Sometimes, I wonder if it's Imposter Complex that's attacking me, or my Dunning-Kruger Complex. Or maybe it attacks me both, depending on the situation. But I would be definitely attacked often by the IC, especially in an ultra competitive environment like academia. It's fucking debilitating. Often, I get paralyzed by IC. Destructive and denigrating thoughts about myself would ALWAYS crop up in my mind while doing something, and this will result in me overthinking and overworking, most often to my detriment. It's exhausting.
What's worse, my overly competitive personality is starting to affect my perception of other people. Just because someone else is accomplishing more (at face value) than you doesn't mean you are already underachieving, right? Each individual has their own strengths and weaknesses. But then I would feel so insecure and all these negative thoughts would take over me. Negative thoughts towards myself and the other person. That is BAD. It shouldn't be like that. I know it shouldn't but it happens.
So what's the solution? Well, the panacea for everything seems to be: MINDFULNESS MEDITATION. And my friend, who's a psychiatry clinician, told me I need to train my thought pattern to eschew these negative thoughts about myself. I need to consciously NOT think of these negative thoughts. And Brene Brown also advocates compassion whenever we think ill of ourselves.
I've been doing some meditation recently but I stopped. It's time to CONSCIOUSLY resume it. I should keep a tracker for me to be motivated.
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