I am still reeling over Fatty's death. He was euthanized at 3AM at the Animal Emergency Hospital of North Texas. It was my first-ever euthanasia experience.
Two nights ago, Fatty suddenly convulsed in his cage, became limp, and I thought for a moment he was dead. I shook him vigorously, felt his trachea for any obstruction, performed chest compressions by pressing his heart, pressed his abdomen in the hopes of expunging whatever's blocking his airways (if there's any but there's none). Then I saw him blink and saw him breathing. But he wasn't the Fatty before.
After this convulsing episode, his body became limp, he had paresis of the lower limbs, can't move his tail, and he would just crawl to wherever he needs to go. He wasn't eating, wasn't drinking, wasn't peeing, wasn't pooing. But he was alive. When I would lift his hind legs and act as if I were his prosthesis, he would start moving around, with his two forelimbs scurrying under the sofa or the bed.
One night, he nested under the sofa. Then when I awoke the next day, I found him under the bed. It was about a one meter crawl for him. I scooped him up, placed him beside me, right by my armpit where he loves to snuggle, and we just cuddled. He would squirm a bit and move around the space beside me, but he couldn't go far as his legs cannot carry his weight anymore. As I got up, I made a space for him underneath my body pillow at the foot of the bed, surrounded by my soft blanket. He stayed there for almost the whole day. Fatty did try to crawl towards my head pillows, a place he likes to snuggle into also because well, he can smell me among my pillows. And rats have an acute sense of smell. Fatty just wanted to go to places in the apartment where he felt safe and comfy, and I'm glad the bed and my pillows are places where he felt such. He's the only rat that I had that liked doing this.
Then on the third night, he still hasn't consumed nor defecated, and I was really getting worried. Never mind the food, but not to drink anything for the past two days! That's what made me anxious. So things weren't going well at all, but if you see Fatty at this point, he just looked like a cute, chubby, white rat who was resting in pancake position. I went to carry him and placed him on the sofa, he stayed there a bit, I would pet him occasionally, then suddenly, he had this episode of gasping for air! It was scary. It looked like he was drowning or choking and desperately gasping for air. He would also gag and I can see and feel he was really in distress. When I saw this, it compelled me to bring him to the vet, even if it was already 12:30AM. I felt like he can still be saved if I just go to the vet immediately. And so I did. I traveled from Fort Worth to Grapevine, a 45min drive. Quite late to be travelling this far. But anyway, I needed to get Fatty to the vet. So I packed my laptop, my epi book, food, things that would help get through while waiting for Fatty's procedures. I was out of the apartment in 20minutes. (that's pretty fast considering it takes me at least 30minutes to get ready)
I was praying that I get an Uber driver who would take me safely to the vet. The Lord heard me and both my Uber drivers to and from the vet are the nicest Uber drivers I've been with. They are both so kind, patient, and understanding, and I really thank the Lord for giving me such Uber drivers last night. Thank you Lord 💓 Fatty was calm the whole time we were on our way to the vet. He curled up in the box I placed him in, and my hand was petting him until we reached the vet. It's my way of comforting
So I arrived at the vet, they took Fatty in, got some history information from me, and I sat in the waiting room until the vet approached me. She said, "things are not looking good with Fatty." It seems Fatty was suffering multiple illnesses simultaneously. He had respiratory, stomach, and cardiac issues. She said Fatty had a galloping heart rhythm, indicating possible pulmonary edema and heart failure. The vet also said Fatty had something in his stomach, which she cannot identify. It's not a tumour but something that's causing Fatty to have these issues. There's also the issue of blood dripping out of Fatty's left nostril, which I thought was just porphyrin, but it turns out that it's actual blood dripping. I only noticed this when Fatty was already dead, and he's laying on his left side, and I noticed there's blood coming out of his nostril. Fatty was also having episodic attacks of gasping for air and gagging. The vet said there's a "confluence of factors" that makes Fatty's case difficult to specify unless a slew of diagnostics be performed --- all of which would cost money. Bottom line, Fatty needed a LOT of diagnostics and procedures if we wanted him fixed. The x-ray alone costs $400, in addition to the consultation fee of $170. Then there were still the procedures, which we didn't know what to do yet because the diagnostic tests would still need to be done. In short, the costs exceedingly outweigh the benefits. And there's no guarantee that Fatty would be back to normal. Also, the vet knew of my financial situation as well. Dr. McGee was really very understanding and kind. I'm happy she was the vet for Fatty. She knew what she was doing, really. Because the last time I was the there, the vet that Henry had was inexperienced and I think and feel she wasn't able to diagnose Henry that well. Dr. McGee was definitely, highly experienced.
I brought up the option of euthanasia and Dr. McGee understood that this was my most viable option to consider. Also, just to further confirm her diagnosis and make certain that euthanasia is the option to consider, she discussed with her colleague, who is a small mammal expert, about Fatty's situation and asked her medical opinion. They both agreed that at this point, Fatty would only get worse as he's not eating, drinking, peeing, and pooing. Moving forward, they made me sign papers to go ahead with Fatty's procedure, and asked if I wanted to have him cremated (no ashes would be returned) or take him home with me so I can bury his body. I decided on the latter.
Before they euthanized Fatty, I got to see him one last time. He was wrapped up in a blanket when they brought him to me. I spent around 15minutes cuddling Fatty, petting him, saying goodbye. I felt like he knew he was about to die, and it was something he feared. I felt his fear and his plea not to euthanize him. He still looked like a healthy rat. If one didn't know of his issues, he would seem like a cute chubby playful rat. As I held him, I could sense his fear and sadness. When I put him back on the blanket, he curled up, like trying to get ready to sleep. Little did he know he would not be waking up anymore. As I write this, I miss Fatty so much, my heart hurts. A part of me is regretting I had him euthanized early on, when he still looked healthy. I wish I let him stay longer with me, even just after Thanksgiving. It's painful. I regret having him euthanized early on. I usually don't regret most of my actions, but this one, I'm sort of regretting. I have in my mind's eye, Fatty's expression when I held him the last time. It was of fear and sadness. It wasn't bewilderment or exhaustion. It was fear and sadness.
I wish I could've cared for him longer. I wish he could've been emaciated with me first before bringing him to the vet. I wish I could've spent more time with him until I TRULY felt he was having an excruciating time and he needed to be euthanized. I am full of regret now. The feeling is abominable. I rarely feel regret because when I decide on something, I know I've thought of it long and hard. When I decide on something, I hold on to that decision and I stand up for it. But this time, I'm just regretting I had Fatty euthanized too early. I am deeply sorry, Fatty. I wish you could've stayed with me a little longer until you felt like giving up. I miss you so much already.
It's the first day that you're gone, and I know when I wake up, I wouldn't be opening your cage anymore, and hugging you, and letting you roam free around the apartment, like what I always did in the past four months I had you. I miss your soft fur, your soft and chubby body. I just miss hugging and cuddling you around my neck, giving you tickles all over your back and belly. I miss you coming to me when I'm in the toilet, in the kitchen, in my study area, wedging yourself in between my feet, being cute to ask for food. It was just so sudden, Fatty. Three nights ago you were just this happy, bouncy chubby rat, prancing around the apartment. Then you had that horrible stroke/aneurysm/thrombosis/whatever episode, and suddenly you were bereft of your good health and were left limp and paralyzed. It was a complete 180 for you and me, and I wasn't at all ready. I didn't know how to respond to such sudden change. I would like to think I'm a resilient person, and I can care for you until your remaining days. I guess I just didn't try hard enough. I wish I kept you longer with me. I wish you could've just died in my arms and not at the vet. I wish you could've breathed your last breath with me, just like Harry. I had you euthanized too early. My heart is in pain because of the regret I feel. I am sincerely and deeply sorry, Fatty.
I love you so much, my adopted rat, Fatty. You were with me for four months and I have three keloidal scars from you to remember you by. You would always be with me. I love you, Fatty. Please forgive me.
Sharing some last photos of Fatty here. 💓
Fatty likes to snuggle in between my feet when I'm in the kitchen, in the toilet, in my study, on the sofa.
One of the things I love about Fatty is he likes to snuggle and take naps right beside me or on top of me. Here's one afternoon of that.
Fatty's "casket" with dried rose petals. It's as if he's only sleeping.
Just right after euthanasia. He was still soft and warm, like he was just sleeping
This was before he was to be euthanized.
More photos before euthanasia.
Look at that cute face. Oh Fatty, my heart longs for you.
Fatty also likes to be kissed.
Heehee look at that cute face.
Oh Fatty, I will miss you. I love you.
