Today's thoughts

Day 9 of healing

I can't believe it's been a little over a week. And I am not feeling anxious nor melancholic. I just feel... steady and composed. And aware and present. Not completely balanced yet, but improving, definitely. There are bouts of sadness somewhere but I am now able to sail through it gracefully and with ease and there is no more physical pain being felt. I cannot say I am 100% okay yet, but I WILL BE OKAY. Before, saying this phrase was impossible. But now, I can. I WILL BE OKAY. :)

I suddenly had a Eureka moment: my priorities are different now. Wow. This is quite a big step for me to be honest. I still have my life goals, but the PEOPLE priority is now different. Shet. Ang sarap ng pakiramdam makawala sa ganung kahon. The people I prioritise now in my life are different. WOW. Teka hindi ako makaget over kasi it only dawned upon me na iba na ang mga taong nasa priority list ko!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!!! Omigosh what a relief!!! :) So this is what nine days can do to a recovering soul! Huhuhu ang saya saya! I'm sure it can only get better in the coming days, weeks, months! Shet what an epiphany! It took a while to dismantle the priority list but now that I've re-examined it, I became happier and at peace. :) Thank you Lord for this. Super happy. Super looking forward to the opportunities You have in store for me.

I will be okay. :)

Today's thoughts

I've got so much catching up to do with my healing journal but good thing I wrote them down on my phone!

Day 4 of healing

Celebrated with family 40th wedding anniversary of Ma and Pa- 7am mass at Pope Pius; ate breakfast at Century Hotel; went to National Museum (fine arts and natural history); Tokyo health link and Parmigiano restaurant; packed stuff for day climb. More about my parent's 40th anniversary celebration in a different post!!

Today was a good day. My heart is OVERWHELMED with love for family. Truly, the best times are spent with family. Super thankful to God for an awesome life anchor.

Day 5 of healing

Third day of workshop. Feeling sleepy, sobra. Crafting a logical framework for response the response pillar; feeling positive today! :)

1424H- there are still some remnants of negative thoughts lingering in my mind. 

1616H- so we finished our logframe for our group. Ganda raw ng indicator for the outcome. Hahaha. Naaantok uli ako. Will just take a nap. Proud to report my social media fasting is working. Slowly getting off the habit of frequent social media browsing. 

1900H- I’m sitting currently on the floor of one of the alleys here in Megamall. There’s a sale so you can just imagine the foot traffic here and how stressful that is for everyone. I have a funny story to tell. So I’m strolling and window shopping, looking at all the items that take my fancy. But I can’t seem to bring myself to buy them. There was this beautifully embroidered dress priced at 1k which I wanted to buy. But then I thought i have already the clothes that i need. So i just put it back on the rack and proceeded to window shop some more. Then i came across a shoe clinic. Hahaha bigla akong napabili ng shoe brush made of horse hair and shoe wax! Natawa ako kasi pang-tanders purchase siya! And take note, hindi siya mura ah! I didn’t mind the price actually because I wanted to buy it, hahaha. No to clothing apparel, yes to shoe paraphernalia, hahahaha! Tanders alert!

2300H- left McDo Greenfields for Mt. Ulap in Itogon, Benguet. Slept through most of the trip. 

Day 6 of healing

Started this day at 6:30am, started to climb at around 7am and ended 2pm; seven hours total of trekking. Punyeta ang dami kong realisations now that I'm older and still climbing, hahaha! Will blog about that soon. Showered with Benguet-cold water upon descent. Tired but happy and fulfilled. :)

Day 7 of healing

It’s a quiet Sunday for me, doing housework and sleeping a lot. Got some aching muscles from the climb. Times like these I miss him. Cried a bit today. I know this shouldn’t happen. I must tell myself that I should be courageous, kind, and happy. And that I should always imbibe the values of peace, patience, and fortitude. 

I will get over this. God and my family is always by my side. Good things are coming. :)

Day 8 of healing (it has been a week, YEY!!!)

It has been a busy day! Drafted a briefer for a meeting. My mind was focused on work and I refrained from letting negative thoughts enter my mind; it was good!!! Always positive and happy!!! However, there was a moment that I slipped back into my old habit. I really have to divert my attention elsewhere kapag ganun. Identify the cue and the reward then change the routine. I can do this!!!

Super happy that it has been a week of healing!!! SUPER HAPPY and LESS NEGATIVITY!!! I can do this! I have to push myself to do this, it's for my own good. I need to be healthy to prepare myself for whatever is coming into my life. I am also happy that my appetite is improving but that means I need to workout more so I won't get fat, haha.

This will be awesome! :) 

Today's thoughts

Day 3 of healing.

Today's a busy day so I am looking forward to focus on the task at hand and keeping negative thoughts at bay.

It's good that I am in a meeting and I am enjoying myself; learning a lot; connecting my newly-learned thoughts to my old learnings and making a web out of all the information that I know. It's like I am painting a picture and the colours and images in the painting are all being assembled.

1043H- While my mind drifts from time to time to depressing thoughts, I immediately eschew it by thinking of the present: where I am, why I am here, and what am I doing here. And suddenly all ugly thoughts and assumptions disappear. I just also think of God's beautiful plans for me in my life.

1121H- I feel so sleepy, uuuugh. I already nodded off and thank goodness I caught myself awake before falling face first on the table.

1200H- So I just got an email from ADB considering me as one of the several candidates for a consultancy assignment. OMG. ADB. One of my lifelong dreams. Now I just have to contend with the pros and cons of this while keeping my current job.

1208H- okay it's lunch break. I can write some more, haha. I am happy that I was able to eat heftily this lunch. Usually I would have no appetite but today at least, I ate properly. Big step yun ah. This time around, I should prioritise myself; my happiness; my well-being. All actions and efforts are to be directed to myself. Tonight, I have a meeting for a volunteer work I joined. This should keep my mind busy and my time occupied.

1322H- I decided that there should be no mention anymore of anything negative during my healing process. I still get hurt though. But I should learn to channel positivity every time I get engulfed with bad vibes. I am open to anything that can happen; not closing doors on anything. I just pray to God that He gives me what He thinks is the best for me. I trust in God's plan, always.

1526H- it's recess. About to start the workshop. Grabe antok na antok ako dun sa talk. But it was nice. Takeaway points: there is a glaring discrepancy between allocation and utilisation of DRR budget across the board (NGAs, LGUs). Utilisation is low compared to allocation. Ang laki ng hinihingi pero ang baba ng nagagastos. Bakit? Akala ko naghihirap Pilipinas pero hindi pala! Hirap pa gastusin ang pondong nakalaan para sa mga proyekto.

1710H- We discovered there was something wrong with our group's work. Sooooo we have to redo some of it. But I have to be in Makati by 6:45pm. I need to leave soon.

I can't say that this day has gone smoothly, anxiety sporadically crept up within the day. But I tried to consciously fight it off, which is good. I fought it off with good thoughts and prayers. I should really develop a habit of  mindful meditation and praying.

I love you Lord. We can do this.

Today's thoughts

Day 2 of Healing.

Yesterday was a good day. :) Today, it will be better. :)

There will be some fasting from social media; a lot of praying and meditation; and a couple of happy times with friends and colleagues. Oh, I also need to do a lot of work to be productive and keep my mind off negative thoughts.

Today's thoughts

Last 8 May 2018 I wrote in my blog that I shall choose to be happy.

Today, I am reiterating that choice. I am recalling the feeling when I wrote that down. And I felt so free. Only difference now is this time, I shall stand FIRM on my decision. Tama na ang drama. Ibaon na ang mga panget na nakaraan at alalahanin na lang ang magagandang nakalipas.

It has been six months. And it's high time to let go and move on. Start the healing process once and for all. From hereon, dapat wala nang masasakit at mapapait na salitang papakawalan; lahat puro masasaya at mababait na salita. Wala nang paghuhukay pa ng dati, lahat dapat looking forward to a bright future with lots of opportunities. And that is so exciting!!! I should leave some dignity and respect for myself but still helping and not forgetting anybody along the way.

To let go and just be free of all burden and negativity; to block out unhappy thoughts and assumptions; to have courage and be kind, in whatever aspect.

Today, I choose to be a courageous, kind, and happy girl. :)

My thoughts on the Concept Note on Parliamentary Leadership Promoting Peace and Development in the Age of Innovation and Technological Change

Probably one of the more beautiful concept notes I have read on this topic. The full PDF Concept Note can be accessed HERE.

Meanwhile, I have some excerpts from the text that I found relevant and on-point:

 Science can and should inform policymaking on a wide range of issues but as technologies evolve, a legislative perspective is needed on how to answer to the significant shifts experienced by the global economy over the last decades.

This sentence struck me because it is NOT only science and technology that should be in the spotlight, but it also shows the importance of policy- and lawmakers to be well-versed in the changing times where science, technology, and innovation (STI) are a burgeoning industry. I liken it to a vaccine that is inoculated into a patient. The drug (the healing component) is the S&T but the drug carrier (the membrane or 'package' of the drug) is the legislation. It is so important to get these two things right when administering a vaccine in order to treat the disease. A wrong carrier cannot bring the drug to the target zone while a wrong drug cannot cure the illness.

...scholars have started to study how cutting-edge technologies can help to develop pro-peace innovations. [sic] Real-time use of big data, for instance can be instrument for a better understanding of conflict dynamics.

Investing in the mechanisms that link science to development and peace can pay high dividends for many countries. Cooperation models developed by the world of science, based on joint projects and common objectives, can also substantively contribute to intercultural dialogue and peace. Science can help to identify and better understand long-term threats and emerging trends like to impact upon the well-being of future generations, and help to shape the policies to address them.

I think this is my first time to read a statement connecting SCIENCE and PEACE. Really. I know that science explains a lot of things and phenomena but peace? How? Now I know. By using big data and analysing it to see trends and patterns within conflicts (or perhaps societies) that can be addressed with sound solutions and eventually resolve the problem. To solve a problem, one must understand the problem first. Science can help understand the problem more from different perspectives. And THAT can resolve conflicts to create peace. Galing. I suddenly remember the Arab Spring conflict. I've read a few papers about it. Some argue that what exacerbated the Arab Spring was climate change. Because of this, it created chaos that started within Tunisia and spread across Libya, Egypt, Bahrain, Yemen, and Syria. At first I cannot comprehend how climate change can create conflict. How can the shift of global temperatures cause upheavals? Well, it definitely affects food security. Change in climate will affect many natural processes and can affect food production and supply. If the people/scientists cannot find solutions or the technology to produce more food to feed earth's growing population amidst global warming, there will chaos. Just like what happened in Arab Spring. Now I have an example of what it means to link science with peace.

Although science is generally considered to play a beneficial role in society, quite often it is not involved early enough or in a structured manner in the discussions on the major challenges facing societies and in the design of the related policies. In some cases, science and scientific knowledge are simply being undermined, underfunded, and marginalised.

Clearly, there is a need to include SCIENCE in policymaking. While science is not forgotten, there needs to be a wider consciousness among policymakers, and a significant number of them, to include /consider/ incorporate science in their decisionmaking. I do not, however, advocate for the science-trumps-all thinking because there are details that science miss out on. So there should be a balance between hard science and social science when gathering and analysing data. 

Today's thoughts

Eto na naman tayo. Same old, same old. But with something far heavier and burdensome in my heart. Ang hirap. Saan ba ako magsisimula.

Sigh.

Akala ko tapos na yung mga umagang paggising ko, may nakadagan sa dibdib ko. Akala ko tapos na yung mga araw na iiyak na lang ako bigla mapa-umaga, hapon, o gabi dahil sa lungkot at sakit na nararamdaman ko. Akala ko tapos na yung nagigising ako sa kalaliman ng gabi, nalulungkot, makararanas ng sakit, at biglang iiyak. Akala ko mabilis at madali lang ang paglaya ko mula sa nakaraan.

Hindi pala. Wala pang natatapos dito.

Marami, kung hindi, lahat nagsasabi tigilan ko na raw ito. Kumalas na ako nang tuluyan. Pigilan ko ang sariling malugmok sa kapaitan dulot ng pagkadurog ng puso. Sana nga ganun kadali. Sana ganun kadali kumalas at kalimutan ang lahat at umusad, kahit dahan-dahan, patungo sa kasiyahan at mapayapang hinaharap. Pero hindi. Punyeta.

Mahirap. Ang hirap hirap. Mahirap kalimutan at kumalas sa taong minahal mo ng higit sa pitong taon. Nasanay na kayo sa isa't-isa. Alam niyo na ang kilos at kibot ng bawat isa. Ugali, dinaramdam, mga pangarap, katauhan, alam na alam niyo na. Paano ito basta-basta na lang malilimutan?

Marami nang nagbigay ng kanilang mga payo tungkol sa dapat gawin sa ganitong sitwasyon. Sobra. Minsan nakakapagod na makinig dahil paulit-ulit ang mga sinasabi. Ako rin naman, paulit-ulit ang sinasabi at ginagawa. Sa sobrang paulit-ulit, alam ko na kung ano ang DAPAT gawin. Pero hindi ko pa rin. Hindi ko pa rin magawang sundin ang mga payo na ito. Para na akong sirang plaka. Subalit kung mayroon man akong patuloy na ginagawa upang maginhawaan ang aking pakiramdam, iyon ang pagdarasal. Araw-araw. Kumakapit ako kay Lord para bigyan niya ako ng peace, patience, at fortitude para malampasan ang mga sakit at pait na nararamdaman ko araw-araw. Humihingi rin ako ng kalinawan sa mga nangyayari. At alam mo kung ano ang naririnig kong payo ni Lord? Listen and do what you feel with your HEART. Hindi na utak. Hindi na logic. Kaya kahit na masakit, paulit-ulit nasusugatan ang puso, dahil ito ay puno ng pagmamahal, pasensya, at hindi napapagod, patuloy pa rin ang pagpursigi ko; ang pagkapit ko sa walang kasiguraduhan. Sinasabi ko na lang sa sarili kong hindi ako ilalagay ni Lord sa isang sitwasyong hindi ko kakayanin.

Sa puntong ito, kung ano ang nararamdaman ng puso ko, iyon ang ginagawa ko. Napagpasiyahan kong isugal lahat. All in. LAHAT. Kung matalo sa dulo, siguradong warak. Durog. Basag. Mahirap muling buuin. Pero ganun talaga. Kapag sobrang sadsad na, wala rin naman ibang gagawin kundi ang umahon mula sa putik at lumipad patungo sa mga bituin. Ad astra per aspera, 'ika nga. At least alam kong ginawa ko ang pinakatodo kong kayang gawin.

Ikaw na bahala, Lord. I love you.