Today's thoughts: approaching middle age indifference

 

I saw this quote of Sylvia Plath in Instagram Reels while I was busy procrastinating. It got me thinking if, in a way, I resonate with Sylvia's fear. Well, I think I am yet to achieve the 'well-educated' part when I obtain my PhD degree. The brilliantly promising, I will be that when I get to publish numerous novel papers. However, I am close to the point where 'middle age' is starting to become a realty. 

The average life expectancy of a person in the US is 76 years old, while Filipinos' is approximately 73 years old. Let's round that off to 80 years of age. I only have THREE YEARS left before reaching 'middle age' of 40. Am I fading into an indifferent near-middle age woman?

We have to define what indifferent here means. Here's what my quick Google search showed:

I don't know what Sylvia's definition was, but for me, indifferent takes on the definition, "neither good nor bad; mediocre". If there are words in the English language that I am not fond of, mediocre is one. Mediocre doesn't sit well with my attitude. Anything worth doing is worth doing well. So if you are going to do something, better to give it your all than just being half-assed about it. SEGUE: This is one trait of Lady Gaga that I really admire. She doesn't do half-assed works. She gives her 100% into everything: singing, expressing herself through fashion, making bold statements, creating music, performing; Gaga gives it her all. And I want to be like that too, giving everything all I got into what I do. It's going to be hard. It's going to be uncomfortable. It's going to be unbearable. But in all these challenges and the mistakes that come with it, the growth will be tremendous. And this is how I like to learn: by encountering many challenges and by making many mistakes. Because I know that it is here where I will and can learn the most. 

Going back to Sylvia's quote, 'fading out into an indifferent middle age', I guess I would also have to fear this part. To become mediocre, lackluster, second-rate... To lose drive and ambition... I don't want to become like that. I don't want to be indifferent. I don't want to live life by succumbing to mediocrity. 

Sylvia Plath died at the age of 30. She had ten more years prior to reaching middle age. I am 37 and I've lived seven years more than her, and I don't think I am currently indifferent. I am curious however, once I've obtained my PhD degree and reach the age of 40, will I start to fade into indifference?  

We'll know in three years. Right now, this PhD thing is definitely NOT making me indifferent.

Until then,

Preparing for your first PhD semester

I was recently talking to an incoming freshman PhD student and she asked me tips on how to prepare for her first semester. This got me thinking what I wish someone told me prior to starting my PhD journey.

Actually, I think I was ready to a certain extent, as I was 35 years old when I matriculated into my PhD in Public Health (concentration in Epidemiology) program at UNTHSC. I had in me the maturity and wisdom to know that the PhD is not a sprint but a marathon, and that I knew I had to be focused, disciplined, and organized if I want to graduate within the prescribed time (and allotted funding, of course).

I have read and heard many horror stories of PhD students not finishing/completing their degree. Most stories I've heard of dropping out were due to their burn out or mental health suffering in grad school. As an incoming third year student, I've encountered these feelings but not because of grad school per se, rather because of culture shock. 

For my graduate studies, I've lived in Australia and the United States and studied under scholarships. It wasn't the curriculum or workload of both degrees, master's and PhD, that made me depressed or emotionally incapacitated or burned out. It was being in a foreign land, alone (especially in the US), speaking a language that made me communicate and express myself less (despite being proficient in English), and overwhelmed by the feeling of inferiority. This was what culture shock did to me. Fortunately, it was just a phase. It came around in the fourth month of my residency, both in Oz and the US, and lasted for about three to four months. After which things started to pick up again, and that feeling of inferiority slowly diminished. However, sometimes, I still feel a bit uncomfortable expressing myself as a gnawing feeling of, "your English is not good enough", creeps in. Well, I just need to talk more to people to overcome this.

Anyway, as for tips on preparing for your first PhD semester, based on my experience:

It's all about setting up your environment/surroundings for you to be able to execute your routine work (i.e. studying and doing assignments). You need to get your apartment/room/study area/sleeping area/ bathroom/ kitchen, EVERYTHING, ready to work around your routine. Some activities I do include:

    1. Cleaning my entire apartment - this involves dusting my shelves and tables, sweeping and mopping my floors, organizing my kitchen and bathroom, doing laundry (clothes, bedsheets, rags, rugs, throw pillows, shoes), watering my plants, cleaning my pet rats' enclosures.

    2. Preparing meals - I try to cook as little as possible during weekdays so I do meal preps on weekends. This can give me more time to study and work during weekdays instead of cooking and cleaning up.

    3. I make sure to assign a time slot/schedule to all my activities, including resting, gym, and Netflix times. And I make sure to stick to the schedule - I have a big ass clock that I can easily see as I work. 

It's a visual cue to remind me of what I need to be doing and what I need to do and how much time is left. I normally start preparing my dinner by 6PM, then I stop eating by 7PM. This also helps in my time-restricted intermittent fasting. By 9PM I am already starting my nightly skincare regimen (i.e. brushing teeth, washing face, RLT for 15mins, and tretinoin), and by 10PM I start my shut down routine (i.e. write in my planner what I need to do the next day, review the chapter that will be discussed for the upcoming class). By 11PM I crawl into bed, read a book, and by 12MN it's lights off. Unfortunately, I don't immediately fall asleep, which sucks, but then I try not to do anything and just lay there until I fall asleep around 1 or 2AM. 

    4. Marking important dates on both of my calendars: the hard copy on the fridge, and my Outlook calendar - planning is key. And visualising it on a physical calendar serves as a reminder for me not to procrastinate.

    5. Lastly, on my physical calendar, I cross out the date once I'm done with it - this serves as my 'achievement' board that I was able to go through that day and finished my tasks. On days I'm able to exercise, I cross it out with a green highlight, while the blue highlights mean rest days. 

I also put in here the days I need to do laundry or change my pillowcases and towels and clothes, which is every week. I also put in when I need to water my plants. All these VISUAL CUES serve as reminders for me to complete that task and stay on schedule.

These tips are a product of being in grad school since 2007 (yes, I started my master's in UP in this year). It took me 14 years to EXECUTE all this perfectly. Executing is different from just knowing/learning. I've learned these techniques early on, but knowing what techniques fit me and executing it is a whole different creature altogether. It's a trial-and-error thing wherein I made many mistakes. And through those mistakes, I was able to learn and grow.

It is my hope, that whoever is reading this for the purpose of gaining insight for your PhD journey, that you'd be able find the grad school habits that work for you, and that you'd be consistent in executing them.

Caveat: these tips I'm sharing are based on my experience LIVING ALONE. If you have children or live with your spouse, your schedule would need to accommodate family time, which in turn, may eat up some of  your study time. So, schedule accordingly and STICK WITH YOUR SCHEDULE!

All the best to you and your first semester of PhD!

Until then,

Today's thoughts: Fall 2023 begins next week

As the semester draws near, I am feeling anxious and agitated. I think these feelings are vestiges of trauma from the summer semester. Also, I think I'm starting to fear my advanced epidemiology and biostatistics subjects. Here I am again, venturing into the unknown, with all my insecurities and imposter complex as excess baggage that I can't get rid of.

I go back to the thought of not being an expert in this field. Nay, not even an intermediate in this field. My knowledge and experience only started in 2021. Two years later, as I enter my junior PhD year, I may have gained new knowledge but no wisdom. What am I doing here? How can I even survive in academia with such little wisdom in the field of public health/epidemiology? I know I have something to offer, but right now, I am not yet able to marry my expertise in DRRM and my new field, public health. 

As I delve deeper into public health, I take on the field of Alzheimer's Disease and Related Dementia, and the different socioeconomic and sociocultural risk factors that are associated with the disease. What formal training did I receive to venture into such field? None, really. Except perhaps my biochemistry undergraduate and my current units in PhD. My work experience and master's degrees do not have anything to do with this field of study.

Am I even interested in ADRD? Or is this something that I'm just forced to do because I need to graduate from my program? I remember having qualms about pursuing this field hence, I applied to UCanterbury. I got accepted, yes, but then the question shifted from, "what is it that I want?" to, "when would you want to obtain your degree?" If I go to Canterbury, it would take me three years to obtain my degree. Whereas if I stay at HSC, just two more years and I can graduate. Not only this, I remember weighing so many pros and cons with moving to NZ or staying in the US, getting my training in NZ or in the US, to the point where I just got exhausted from ruminating on the issue. In the end, I just lifted everything to God and laid down some conditions that would help me and Mico choose which path we should end up traversing.

And so the path that was set is to stay here in America, stay in HSC, have Mico come here to take his master's, and for me to finish my PhD. Our plans and options after we both obtain our degrees are not yet fully determined, and we would make our decisions once we bag our degrees. 

So for now, just keep cool, focus on the present, nail your assignments, write your manuscripts, and fucking soldier on. It's okay to be anxious and afraid. What's important is to overcome this and be victorious in the end. Finish strong, Edz!

Until then,

Today's thoughts

I have a lot of things to do but I feel stymied to do them. Here I am again, feeling frozen. Maybe I should read my previous blogs and assess what it is that's causing me to get stymied, then overcome them. Two big things I need to do: 1) SPA; and 2) my manuscript outline. Let's also add another one: 3) prepare for my OpEd workshop on Wednesday. 

Let's break down what I need to do for the SPA:

1. Edit the SPA to include the Texas clause in the document;

2. Print the document

3. Withdraw cash to pay for Notary Public;

4. Message the Notary Public to get the documents notarized;

5. Procure FedEx envelope for Apostille mailing to PH;

6. Fill up order form for the Apostille;

7. Pay Apostille order; and

8. Send Apostille to Austin via UPS.

For my manuscript outline:

1. Look at intro formats of other papers and incorporate this into the outline;

2. Fill in methods and results sections of the outline;

3. Look at discussion formats of other papers and incorporate this into the outline; and

4. Send outline to team using One Drive.

For my OpEd workshop:

1. Look at the preparation notes of the OpEd workshop; 

2. Execute preparation notes; and

3. Come prepared on 9-10 August.

It may seem that the OpEd workshop requires the least number of steps. But in terms of urgency (time-dependent), the manuscript outline is the most urgent one, followed by the SPA, then the OpEd workshop. I'll try to send out the manuscript outline today. It's not that big of a deal. Input from the other writers would still be collected so don't worry about having an incomplete outline.

Padayon!!! 

UPDATE, 2256H:

I've finally rolled out the manuscript outline, YAY!!! Now, I can focus on the SPA tomorrow. Woohoo thank you Lord!

UPDATE, 13 Aug, 2355H:

Ang galing lang. I was able to finish everything, all three main tasks, by 9 August, two days after I wrote this blog post. Lalong lalo na yang pakshette na SPA Apostille na yan. Sumakit batok ko kakaisp at kakastress sa pagpapadala ng mga documents. Ang mahal ha! Anyway, gawa ako ng post about this bukas. 

Sometimes, all I need is good stress to act on such things. However, we don't want this happening often. It's better not to procrastinate.

"When having it all means not having children" - Time Magazine, August 2013

This was the cover of Time Magazine in August 2013. Ten years after its publication, this resonates even more among couples. "When having it all means not having children" --- don't you agree? While having children brings with it a certain kind of joy, happiness, and fulfillment, it also brings a certain kind of hardship, frustration, and stress among parents. Honestly, I wouldn't know because I don't have children myself, yet. But there is some truth to the quote above.

So what's the purpose of this post then? I really don't know. Maybe this serves as a documentation in my life where my view on having children ten years ago still somewhat applies ten years later. I don't have anything against children nor having children. I was brought up in a household where children are loved and valued and nurtured. This experience should help me embrace the idea/decision of having children of my own, shouldn't it? But no. What is shaping my decision now are the environments that I have been exposed to. Is it really advantageous nowadays to have children, considering that society is becoming increasingly uber-competitive and that climate change is wreaking havoc across the globe? The children that we bear, should they be brought forth and raised in this kind of environment? 

Maybe instead of creating and birthing children, perhaps the better option is to adopt? This way, we need not add to the burgeoning population, but make do of what we have and improve on that. Though that doesn't make one child-free, but at least not adding another human being in this world lessens the impact to the environment. 

So perhaps the point here I'm making is not that I agree with 'having it all means not having children', but whether or not we should give birth to children and add to the population. 

The idea of having children is not one that I'm shunning however, I am not excited at the thought of it compared to when I was younger. I am at a point in my life wherein regardless if I would bear children or not, it doesn't matter. I give birth to babies, yay. I don't give birth to babies, yay. Either way, it's fine. But what is not fine is the pressure and the judgement that you would get from family members. Just because we decide to nurture a child who does not carry our genes makes the child unlovable and unwanted. That is so morally wrong, scientifically flawed, and highly illogical. 

Unfortunately, the society I grew up in would most likely think this way. And I would be judged as the woman who may be achieving high in her career but failed as a wife and as a potential mother. Despite carefully and meticulously building myself to become a respectable woman in the STEM field, just because I failed to become a mother, then I failed as a woman. That's fucking bullshit. But where I come from, this is true. 

Anyway, I didn't mean for this post to sound as if I'm ranting, just stating what's running in my head. Not sure how to end this, but I guess I just want to float the idea of adopting instead of giving birth. And that this should be COMPLETELY ACCEPTABLE and OKAY, and that no ill judgement should be made by family members. Take note, family members. Because others can say whatever the fuck they want, but I uphold family members (both immediate and in-laws) to a higher standard and they SHOULD RESPECT and ACCEPT whatever decision we make as husband and wife.

Getting the rhythm to exercise

It's not easy to bring your ass willingly to the gym and exercise, especially if you've been not exercising for months. The main reason why I'm able to go to the gym lately is because my classes have ended and I'm looking for productive things to do. I am hoping however, that the routine I'm able to build now, I can carry it over until end of the Fall 2023 semester. Though I remember the times within the semester where I'm just so damn tired, I don't want to go to the gym because I'll be even more tired. 

Anyway, I'm trying my best to maintain this rhythm. I think a way for me to do that is to DELIBERATELY NOT WORK OUT on certain days. Like I should not force myself to exercise more than four days a week. Just keep it at four, no more, no less. Before, I used to like go above and beyond what's expected. But I figured that just zaps my energy and motivation for the next set of exercise.  I need to learn how to put the appropriate intervals not just for exercising, but also for my assignments and projects. If I crossed out my list for the day, I should fucking STOP and not do anything more. What happens is that I put so many things to do on my list, hoping I'll get them all done at the same time. HELL NO. I'm slowly learning that I should only write the tasks I'm able to do for a number of hours for that day, and parse/spread the remaining tasks throughout the week. This way, I'm able to insert some rest times in between and not overwhelm myself trying to accomplish such a huge task in one sitting. 

Here's a photo I snapped after exercising in the gym. I did an unload routine today. Ugh. I'm dreading the next three weeks, hypertrophy is up next! Waaaah!