Late night (or wee hours of the morning) thoughts

I can't sleep so I decided to catch and write my thoughts here in this blog. Will just be throwing words and ideas so this entry will have no coherence whatsoever.

Why are some people pretentious?
Merriam-Webster defines pretentious as, "having or showing the unpleasant quality of people who want to be regarded as more impressive, successful, or important than they really are." I have numerous friends (or acquaintances? or strangers whom I've browsed over the internet) who are until now, despite being more than five years in the workforce (read: relatively mature and experienced), showing an unnecessary facade just to impress and be in the elite's social circle. Why is this? Why do they have to hide who they are and what they're made of? Are they afraid of isolation? Being ostracised? Do they have low self-esteem that when they show others their true selves, what they are capable of, they'll be ridiculed and shunned? Actually what's more humiliating is that when the circle they're trying to fit into discovers they're phoneys, trying hard, people-pleasers. I don't understand why there has to be a "front", why some make up stories/lies just to impress others. You won't win the affection and company of friends with this, you'll only isolate yourself more.

Anonymity is powerful
These past days I've been commuting the hard way. Hard way means I let go of comfort (goodbye Uber and Grab) and embrace the hardship of riding public utility vehicles (hello jeepneys and MRT). Yes, riding PUVs is difficult. It's physically taxing and harmful to a person's health. You increase the probability of catching some virus or bacterial infection along your commuting path. Not to mention you also increase the number of times you do booger picking in a day, haha! Kadire! But it's true!

There was this instance I commuted looking like crap: I just came from a night-shift monitoring duty with less than four hours of sleep; I had no make-up on; my hair was already clinging to my scalp and was oily; my clothes were a bit crumpled and baggy; my eye bags and skin complexion were just too much to bear when I looked in the mirror. But for a brief moment I revelled in it. It's as if I was another person, a new character in my life's book that felt the ruggedness and hardship and starkness of reality. In this brief moment when I traveled from Quezon City to BGC to Muntinlupa, I felt I was lost in a pool of masses with long faces, trudging within the concrete jungle that is Metro Manila. A very strong sense of empathy welled up in me. I felt like a salesperson in an SM Department Store or grocery; a bystander in the MRT station waiting for God knows what; a sidewalk vendor of candies, cigarettes, peanuts, bottled water, fish crackers, fish ball, calamari, quail eggs; a mall cart vendor of food, sundries, clothing items; a jeepney driver; a security guard in a mall or in the MRT; an employee who's been in the same company for eight years but have not been promoted; a mendicant with two unkempt children sleeping on the overpass; a breadwinner trying to eke out a living to feed her/his family. So many thoughts synapsing in my brain and the more I process this, the more I feel THANKFUL and CONTENTED with what I have. First and foremost I am very thankful for my loving family. They are my life's anchor; the tie that binds my life together. Without them, without the love and care they have given me, I could not have been where I am today.

Much time is wasted while commuting
Many times I find myself staring into nothingness while commuting. This is such a waste of time (in my opinion). The train ride from Magallanes to Quezon Ave. takes 20 minutes.The bus ride from Sucat going to Magallanes take about an hour. The ride from Quezon Ave. going to PHIVOLCS via jeepney takes about 15 minutes. The walk from the intersection of University Ave. and CP Garcia Ave. going to PHIVOLCS is five minutes. All in all a one-way trip going to the office takes 1h40m. One hour and forty minutes of doing nothing. Well if you think about it, what is 1h40m anyway? Well, I've decided to do some habit-forming techniques in this 1h40m commuting time. They are:

1. Listening to an audio book - it hones my listening skills and my brain is not idle.
2. Praying - it is a form of meditation hence, I learn to shut everything out and just focus on praying and talking to God. It refreshes not just my soul  but also my brain.
3. Reading - it practices my reading skills and thought process.
4. Writing down my to-do list in my cellphone - instead of accomplishing this when I get to the office, I use my commuting time to think of my day's activities. This way I can immediately sort and address the urgent and important tasks.


Now I feel sleepy. I guess this entry will suffice for tonight.

My Muai Thai Training Experiences

I enjoy training for Muay Thai but the training is difficult as fuck! I get a lot bruises (much like in dancing), intense lower backache, sore biceps and triceps and calves.

Perhaps the reason I experience all these is because I'm out of shape! Soooobrang nakakapagod! Before I can go through one and a half rounds of sparring but now, just 1.5 minutes in the ring and I'm already giving up, ugh!

My bruised elbow from Muay Thai training :(

Time to stretch again those muscles and train harder!

Today's Thoughts (two days before my 30th)

Sometimes I feel like I just want to quit everything, leave everything behind, just be around the people I love the most.

Sometimes I feel like throwing away my dreams and ambitions and just settle for what I have. I feel I do not want to tire myself of pursuing a higher position and/or a higher pay in my job.

Sometimes I feel like doing minimal, routine, boring technical work. Being a manager is such an arduous and demanding task especially in an organization that is yet to solidify further its structure.

Sometimes I think I'm not cut out for this job, I'm not cut out for my career of being a scientist.

Sometimes I just want to drop everything and help Martin out with his business.

But no. I want to prove I can do it. I can do this.

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

Today's Thoughts

1. I feel sleepy

I just came from lunch and this feeling is just natural.

2. I can do many things if I have many things to do

First time I heard this was during college. It is logical however, the question here is if I can finish these many things I am assigned to do within the deadline.

3. I feel sad because...

I may have achieved my dreams and wants for 2015 but there is this one topic that I always think about before I sleep: Where is my relationship headed? Is there another level to this? Why is there no plan at all? Or if there is, why is the topic evaded every time it is brought up? Pupunta na lang ako ng Australia wala pa ring plano. Hay. And now I'm seriously entertaining the thought of breaking up when I go there so there would be one less baggage for me to think about.

2016 Thoughts

It’s 2016 and so much is in store for this year.

So what IS in store? What are these things I'm looking forward to?

1. My Australia Awards Scholarship Sojourn

My uplift is scheduled on June 2016 and from hereon my life will be completely different. I will be living in a different country for more than a year or two; I will be away from my parents, my friends, and Martin; I don’t know what the future holds- if I would succeed, exceed expectations, or completely be a failure; I don’t know what city I’ll be in, either Darwin or Melbourne or Canberra; I don’t know who will be my roommate/s, whether they will be kind or the complete opposite, Filipino or caucasian.

There are a multitude of uncertainties but if there’s one thing that is certain, it’s my passion of being in service to the Filipino people. I want to be in the thick of everything. Honest, excellent, and conscientious service to the Filipino people. I don’t know why I have this in me. Gusto ko lang naman makatulong sa ibang tao. I feel I have this duty towards others. I hope this feeling will last my entire lifetime. Pwede kasi when I turn 35 all these feelings will be gone. Priorities shift over time but I hope and pray I will still have this passion in me.

         I'm very excited about the new things I will learn, be it as simple as walking down a foreign street or as complicated as doing data gathering in a foreign land in a remote place. So many things to learn, to absorb. And I hope my brain and my senses will be ready to take it all in! I'm also excited about writing it down here in my blog using my brand-spankin'-new, my hard-earned, my i'm-the-one-who-paid-for-this laptop: the new MacBook! In Gold! Woohoo! I remember buying this in the store. It was the realisation of my eight-month dream! I was contemplating already to get a MacBook Air in early 2015 but when this was released in April, I waited for it to arrive in Manila by June then I waited some more to research and contemplate whether I should get one. It's not something cheap and I do not have a job that pays six digits so I needed to weigh my options. And now I have it! I promised myself that I will buy one before the year ends and I got it last December 30! Woohoo! It's MINE! Bad trip lang talaga yung adapter, ang mahal! Pucha, hindi ko alam kung bakit sooooobrang mahal niya, almost four friggin' thousand pesos!

That box right there.

Finally. It's mine. It's. MINE.

I don't understand. Why do you have to be so damn expensive?

2. New improvements and accomplishment in the project team

A lot needs to be improved and changed within the team for 2016. First off, we have a whole new set of goals and objectives for the year. Seminar/workshops and extended field works will be less and be replaced by shorter but more frequent field works. Also, we only have a handful of team members left. Hopefully we can work more efficiently but it also means field works per team member will be more frequent compared before. I need to implement a new style of management for my team, one that functions like an organisation. There will be different committees handling different team tasks. Since field work will be less, office time will be abundant and that can mean more time to meet with teammates and more time to plan. I also want to improve the current monitoring system that we have with the community. Monitoring has taken its toll on our team and I plan to have it automated already before I leave. We can target it by first quarter of 2016. Protocol assessment shall also be accomplished. I look forward to working with fewer teammates as this will be easier to handle.

      Much has been learned from 2015 that can be used to improve the 2016 project year. I just need to make sure that before I leave, the team is self-reliant.

3. I’m turning 30

Ah. 30. The big 3-0. I feel I have turned 30 already this 2015 because I've noticed small changes in the way I think, I understand, I handle people.  But I’m very excited to learn more, do more, and be more  this 2016. When a person ages, wisdom, acquired through numerous triumphs and failures, settles in and this changes the way a person thinks and acts. I’m very excited for this new way of thinking and acting because it can open new doors of opportunity. And this is very exciting indeed. The formation of new habits comes also with age. This also excites me very much. I love imagining that these changes are imprinted on the brain. How dynamic the brain can be. Sobrang galing ng utak. For me, it's the most complex thing that have ever existed (next is the human body), much more complex than how the earth and galaxies were formed and Einstein's Theory of Relativity.

Just three things in store for 2016. But THREE BIG things. I pray to God to give me serenity to accept things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Let's go Lord! :) <3 p="">