Today's thoughts: Feelings at 0130H

 So I'm glad that I've been crossing off the tasks in my list lately. Doing the Pomodoro Technique really helps get in a lot of productivity points. The thing with that though is you need to be strict with yourself during ON and OFF times. If it's time to work for 25mins., you really have to work at full focus for 25mins. If you need to rest for 5mins., make sure you rest your eyes from an electronic screen, stand up, get moving, try doing some stretches or mini-exercises to increase your heart rate. It greatly helps with the concentration. Try fighting off the urge to look at your phone or email, unless of course it's your adviser contacting you. I find it also helpful that the time zone I'm in only allows for a small chatting window time between Mico and I. Not that I like it, but it helps me concentrate and get things done over extended periods. 

Also, I found a neat way of categorizing my tasks: 1) research; 2) coursework; and 3) personal. Research is what I do that is connected with publishing papers. Coursework, of course, includes the assignments and studying I need to do for my subjects. Personal includes all the never-ending chores and tasks I need to do to live a balanced and organized life. I'm interested in knowing which one actually takes the bulk of my time... Hmmm... Perhaps I'll find a way how to make this electronic so I can set up a pie chart. I need to log my hours... And doing Pomodoro can actually help me count my hours! Okay great, this is what I'll do. 

And of course I can't sign off this blog entry without mentioning BTS, especially Min Yoongi! I swear, BTS will be my ticket to hell, hahaha! Min Yoongi makes me think of doing crazy things. Of course those 'crazy things' will just forever remain in my brain, never to be blurted out or executed. Unless Min Yoongi asks me to, hahaha! See?? See??? No wonder women say, "I would sue you, Min Yoongi!" Anyway, I need to lessen my phone time scrolling through reels with BTS in it. I often get sucked into that rabbit hole that is BTS reels, ugh.

So yeah, I just need to focus and keep a steady stream of willpower while doing my tasks. Think of the habit loop. 

Androgynous

 

September 2022. Second year PhD. 

Fort Worth, TX.

Today's thoughts: Random thoughts while working

 1. Don't you feel that sometimes, even if the task is elementary, it takes a lot of willpower for you to just do it? It's just like the Activation Energy concept in chemistry, defined as the minimum quantity of energy which the reacting species must possess in order to undergo a specified reaction. The minimum quantity of energy you need to start the task is astronomical, that what seems to be a simple task now becomes complex and difficult to execute. Ugh. 

2. When faced with what seems to be an insurmountable task, albeit it being really simple, JUST DO IT. Just get started. Do it. As what SUGA said, just keep on doing it, keep working, keep moving forward. 

3. Was having an academic discussion with my college barkada. We were talking about humility and empathy, and the lack of it in certain situations. I remember Papa, at a very early age in the lives of my brothers and I, taught us the value of humility. He told us that even if we've already achieved and learned so much, that we should remain humble. Because it's not our credentials that will take us to greater heights, but our humility. I miss Papa.

4. So my college barkada and I are working on a Google Sheet, planning our next international travel. OMG I'm so excited!!!

1. 
   

For your second death anniversary, Papa

 Dearest Papa, 

It's been two years since you passed away. All that I wanted to say to you have been bottled up for two years now. And the succeeding stories that I will have will just accumulate and I will never ever get the chance again, ever, to tell them to you. And I will never ever hear you again, your voice, your response, your advice. It saddens me greatly every time this comes to mind. Because for 34 years, I've always told you my stories, my thoughts, my achievements and failures. You've listened to them and I heard your responses. I won't ever get to do that again. Masakit. Hanggang ngayon. Tuwing naalala kita, bumabalik isipan ko sa mga panahong nabubuhay ka pa. 

Thinking about you and recalling our memories together is painful for me because the memories that remain are the very good and very happy memories. And it pains me so much that I will never get to experience these again. They will be just... memories. Replaying in my mind. Over and over. 

Nonetheless, I am forever grateful I was able to spend 34 years with you. I would NEVER exchange that for anything else. Thirty-four wonderful and happy years with you as my father. A very supportive, very caring, and very inspiring father. You and Mama will always be my role models. I am so thankful to have you both in my life. Wala nang makakatumbas pa sainyong dalawa. I always tell Mico that I'm so blessed and lucky to have intelligent and loving parents. I can only hope someday, my children will also see me how I see you and Mama. 

I miss you so so much, Papa. The few days leading to your death, I replay in my mind what happened. And I will never forget that LAST phone call I had with you in the morning of 8 July 2020. "Unahin niyo na ako, mamaya na 'yang mga ginagagawa niyo.", you said, in a slurred manner. I'm so so sorry I wasn't there beside you as you took your final breath. Kuya and I arrived at the hospital you were already gone. I took photos of you and held you as if you were still alive. You were emaciated. Your bones were very prominent. You lost all your muscle and fat. I saw your body and thought that if it would be donated, medical students would have a field day studying your skeletal structure as it seemed like a very good specimen. Standing at 5'11", you have long femurs, tibia, and fibula. Your scapula and ribs looked great too. And so do your humerus, ulna, and radius. It's kinda weird I saw it like that, I'm sorry. But as a woman of science, I can't help but think about it. I'm sure you'll understand. You and I both love science. I'm sure you would've agreed too.

I miss you, Pa. I'm entering my PhD sophomore year this coming August. How time flies. I want to share with you all the trials and tribulations I'm experiencing because I know that you give great advice. You've given me so much the past years, and I always replay them in my mind when I encounter difficulties. Thank you for being that kind of parent. You've given us so much nuggets of wisdom that I think there's a nugget I can use for every situation. Though I wish I could've received more because they're really good. 

I miss you, Pa. I wrote you a quick poem below. I hope you appreciate it. I remember you have this book of poems by your bed side table, the great poets like Emily Dickinson, e.e. cummings, John Keats, Ezra Pound, and your personal favourite, Robert Frost. This poem I wrote will never be at par with any of these greats, but I know you'll like. Because it came from your only daughter. :)

An anchor, to me you are

My guiding light in the darkness

Your voice, deep in the jungle I hear

A compass that points the way

You will always be, to me

A constant amid the variables

An outlier amid the limits

You to me are extraordinary

You are my Papa

The first man who loved me

Upon entering this world

And have always loved me

Until the very end 

I love you and I miss you so much, Papa. I'll see you someday. Not too soon, I hope.

Today's thoughts: On reading journal articles

 I decided to put a photo here just for the heck of it, haha!

So what has been happening with me lately...

Well, recently I've been neck-deep with a lot of searching and reading scientific journal articles. I think this is the most number of publications I've read in two weeks. I skimmed abstracts of more than 150 articles and did a deep read of eight articles. In two weeks. 

There's a technique in skimming through journal articles. For me, I read the abstract, then go to the last paragraph of the introduction because that's where the objectives of the study are written (usually). Next I look at the figures and read the captions and check if the objectives can be answered with the figures. Then I skim through the methodology, then jump to the conclusion section. You'll get faster the more you practice this. Also, IF YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IN A PAPER, then you'll be much faster.

However, doing a deep read is no joke. Especially if these papers are novel ones or papers that I can use as primary sources. I read all sections thoroughly and make annotations. Not only that, doing a deep read requires focus and concentration because you need to understand how the sentences and paragraphs, when put together, form a thought or idea. And in journal articles, because they are written succinctly, ALL sentences seem to be very important. So if you don't understand a sentence, you might lose an important point. But it's a good thing that not all journals are written well because that means you don't have to stress to much in reading and understanding every sentence. 😝 But that can also mean the journal is not of high-quality so it's better to look for another one that's similar but published in a journal with higher impact factor.

Spring/Summer in Fort Worth, TX. 

26 May 2022, Fort Worth Botanic Garden.

I think I'd better stop here. I can feel the effects of Trazodone already. Good night!!

My bed, upon waking up and when I fix it, in the afternoon

It's been almost (got here 16 July 2021 in the US)  year since I left home and lived here in Fort Worth. to pursue my PhD. I've had my fair share of happiness and excitement, depression and loneliness.  CULTURE SHOCK IS REAL. In the eighth month of being here, I've never felt more alone, confused, and utterly depressed. It was bad to the point that I needed to take medication for my depression.

But I'm glad I bounced back around April and the feeling is one of elation. I feel more confident now being here and talking with random people, asserting myself, and just feeling  that I belong. Of course there's still some level of inferiority, being that I'm Asian in a Caucasian-dominated place. Here's the thing though: is it really Caucasian-dominated? 

The more I got to explore my  surroundings, the more I talked to people, I found out that MANY are first-generation Americans or are descendants of immigrants (because hey, America is indeed made up of immigrants. Hello, Mayflower.).  I did not feel alone anymore. I felt that I belonged, in a way. WE ARE IN THE SAME MELTING POT HERE. THIS IS A BIG MELTING POT. 

I figured that the inferiority I felt stemmed from my culture shock; being afraid and anxious living in an unfamiliar place. But as time passed, the unfamiliar became familiar; the unknown became known. I'm happier now and feeling more confident. Still wary but surely overcoming the new obstacles I meet every day. 

Thank you Lord for this most generous and wonderful blessing. 💖💖💖

As I awoke this afternoon, I saw my slept-in bed, perfectly lit up by the diffused sunlight streaming in from the balcony window. I felt the urge to take a photo, to capture and preserve the moment. I felt so grateful and thankful and at peace. Then I got inspired and motivated to do academic work and quickly fixed up my bed.

So this is how it looked like after I fixed it up. Though the sunlight is not as diffused anymore. Nonetheless, mi "bedroom area" en el apartamento es perfecto para soy. Yo amo mis plantas. 💖

Summertime in TX

 

Lazy afternoon in Summer. June 2022.

Pandemic portrait

Circa 2020, newly married at 34. 

 

Today's thoughts: Prof comments on my presentation skillzzz

 We had a group presentation in our class, Foundations of Public Health, last Tuesday and our report was about finding solutions for tobacco use cessation at the policy, community, and individual levels. I would say that our group barely managed to get a B, but what I liked was the comment of the professor regarding my presenting skills. Though I need to improve a lot when it comes to designing the slides, haha. Here's what she said regarding the parts that I presented:

-Solutions- presented very well, engaging. Slides still a bit busy with text- not necessary as the speaker did an excellent job discussing the main points- therefore slides themselves distracted from speaking points.

Socio-ecological levels slide- too busy! Too many images on one slide.

Solutions:

Policy and community level solutions slide- again too much on this slide! This detracts from the speaking points- the actual solution points are good and linked to the different levels of intervention but it is difficult to see this link with slides that are so busy. Good linking with everything you learned in class presented by different professors! I like that you discussed federal, state, and local role in solutions but there were many interventions mentioned- seemed a little unorganized as it was not clear which solutions were a priority.

-Wrap up: touched the main points of the presentation

I really need to improve on my slides!!! But super kilig ako when she said, "presented very well, engaging... speaker did an EXCELLENT job discussing the main points."

Still a long way to go, but I'm glad my speaking skills and the ideas I thought of were good, I just need to do a good job in visually presenting my thoughts. I'm more of a tactile and auditory learner than visual, so I don't put much premium, I guess, on the slides - which is wrong. Because some members of the audience may be more visual than auditory, so I also have to construct a slide deck that will appeal to visual learners. 

Today's thoughts: on being depressed and other things

I've been mostly all by myself since Mico went back home last November 2021. I celebrated Christmas, New Year, and my 36th birthday alone in a foreign land, isolated from the outside world. I think this has to be the saddest Christmas, New Year, and birthday I have ever celebrated. I was all alone with my rats and my plants. I tried to make it fun and light, but deep inside the sadness was already hollowing out my heart.

I remember that morning when it snowed, I went out of the apartment. I didn't see much people out in the streets but I tried to go around the block to enjoy the fallen snow. After some gamboling on street snow and finding out that In n Out was closed, I headed back to the apartment. As I rode the elevator going up to my room, a stranger greeted me a happy new year as he exited the elevator. It was the first time someone spoke to me in person since the school holiday started on 13 December. The joy I felt inside of me welled up tears of happiness, but was immediately replaced by tears of sadness. I have not spoken with anybody in person for almost a month. And as soon as a stranger greeted me, it brought me fleeting happiness but also immense sadness and emptiness. I wouldn't ever forget this feeling. I cried almost the whole day then.   

I didn't go out much of the apartment between November until early February because the winter cold gets me, aside from that time that it snowed. I dislike winter. It gives me the doldrums. Apparently the doldrums carried over until now. I didn't know I had depression until I decided to have myself checked at the clinic. 

It started when I was having sleeping problems that started in October, and got worse in November-December. It continued its decline until now, March. I would sleep at 5/6AM, sometimes even at 11AM or 12NN, and I would wake up around 7PM. I felt like I was working the nightshift. The brain was refusing it, I felt it. But my body was saying otherwise.  Moreover, I experienced waves of melancholy and I'll start crying out of nowhere, like when I'm washing dishes, sitting in front of my computer, or even when I'm in the toilet or showering. Then it finally affected my midterm exams performance. During midterms week, I just didn't feel like studying. I knew I had to but I was refusing it at the back of my mind. I forced myself to study but nothing got retained. Everything just went over my head. It was bad. 

I think it was after midterms week that everything went in a downward spiral. Crying became more frequent, inability to focus was very much there. I entered a dark, dark place and I had difficulty getting out. I knew I had to do something. So I sought professional help and I was given medication. 

Depression is real. I thought it wouldn't happen to me, honestly. But here I am, medicating. 

The good thing is that here in the US, society views mental health issues seriously unlike in the Philippines. Back home, people would easily dismiss your mental health concerns. And if they know you're taking medication for depression or for any other mental health crisis, they'll view you as someone weak, unstable, nasisiraan ng bait/ulo. There's this stigma that your mentally and emotionally unstable and thereby people would be more wary and cautious approaching you. But in the US, people will offer you a helping hand. They will be genuinely concerned about your condition and encourage you to seek professional help. I wish it would be more like that in the Philippines. The society would be more open and accommodating to discuss mental health issues and actually help people in need, rather than dismissing them as weak. 

In this journey that I'm embarking, the PhD route, it will be very tough. Tough mentally, emotionally, intellectually, socially. But as long as I have God, my spouse, and my family with me, I can hurdle this. I should always go back to the reason why I wanted to come here in the first place, why I wanted to pursue a PhD: because I want to do research, I think this is something I can be good at. I want to be a scientist, I want to be in academia. I don't think I can wedge myself in a corporate setting. I can work in the government, but perhaps as a research scientist. Or I don't know, maybe a government executive when given the opportunity? But for sure, I want to do research. And in order for me to do that, I must learn the appropriate and adequate skills to do research. My PhD training can give me that. So I must do good here, I must be able to learn as much as I can so I can do good research and be a good scientist. 

Today's thoughts: The calm before the storm

 Last day of liberty!

Tomorrow, 18 January, my second semester starts. It will be another 16 weeks of grueling studying and assessments. 

So how did I spend my Christmas vacation so far? Well, it's pretty uneventful. Aside from celebrating Christmas and NYE on my own, I got to go out with Nemboy and family to the Stockyards. Other than that, I'm just isolated in my apartment, busying myself with reading, doing a bit of work for my adviser, exercising, cementing my habits, taking care of my rats, and learning Spanish via DuoLingo. That's about it. Nothing exciting for this 35-year old girl. 

But despite it being uneventful, I'm PERFECTLY FINE with it being like that. DOING NOTHING IS A LUXURY in today's fast-paced, super busy, and highly critical world. I'm happy to be just chilling out with my rats, reading my books while sipping tea, or doing series marathon of Money Heist and The Witcher Season 2, and of course doing tons of cleaning every day.

And yeah, all of that is the calm before the storm because I'll be in such deep shit starting tomorrow. 

Let's make this fucking semester count! Woo!!! I finished with two As and a B last semester, let's see if I can still have that kind of grade!!! All for the love of my PhD!

Today's thoughts

 Since I've been trying to be consistent with my actions lately, I want to add another habit that I would do daily: writing in my blog. 

I tried to do this before already but I did not succeed. I'm not sure why, but I'm pretty sure I came up with a lot of reasons not too.

Just like in exercising, I would not focus on being too intense when writing a blog entry. Rather, I'd focus on being consistent: opening my blog, writing something in it even if it's something very simple. The goal is to be consistent and not intense. Intensity is something that I can build on later once I become consistent.

So... today's thoughts... 

I just want to recount what Mico and I discussed last night and what I've been ruminating on until today: only confident and highly secure men are able to handle and be a partner to a high-achieving woman. Those men who are insecure and weak tend to go for so-so women, sometimes bordering cheap.

I think that weak men are so afraid of being emasculated that they can't accept if a woman is achieving more than them. Weak men try to compensate for their weakness by trying to be on top of things all the time. They don't want their lights to be dimmed because to begin with, it's already dim anyway. So they get underachieving women (I don't want to define what an underachieving woman is, that one would just stay in my head), those who are less intelligent, less wealthy, less classy, lower in the socioeconomic status, younger in age compared to them. Basically, a lesser individual whom weak men think they can overpower and take control of. 

Meanwhile, those self-assured. strong, and confident men, they do not cower nor feel emasculated if their woman is a high achiever or even achieving more than them. Strong men celebrate women who are high achievers. Strong men get women whose intelligence is at par with them or even greater, women who are classy, are in the same socioeconomic status or higher, and women who are either older or the same age as them. Strong men don't care if their woman achieves a lot, they even celebrate and are proud of their women for being like that. 

Anyway, this is just an observation. Hmmm. Maybe I should check if there are journal articles written about this....  

My theme for 2022: PATIENCE

I looked back at my posts regarding to the value themes I've set for myself at the start of the year. Apparently, there are only two themes that I've identified and written: Frugality (2013) and Consistency (2019). Six years apart. Dang. I can't say I've been frugal in between 2013 and 2019, but at least frugality was on my mind. Still working on this aspect.

At least this time around it didn't take me six years to identify a new theme I would revolve around for a year. For 2022, I would like to center on PATIENCE.

In November 2021, I started to embrace being consistent in exercising. As what I kept seeing on Instagram about working out: Consistency over intensity. This adage stuck with me. I started examining why I can't be consistent with my workouts and figured it's because I always make my exercise as intense as I can. I wasn't satisfied with a 20-min jog/walk on the treadmill, nor was I feeling accomplished at doing just three sets exercises. I wanted to push myself EVERY SINGLE TIME I work out. I was being hard on myself. 

Then I decided to change my mindset. I decided to go easy on myself, for ticking the box and considering as having worked out for that day even if it meant just doing a brisk walk on a treadmill for 20mins, or doing 15mins of HIIT, or dancing for 15mins, or opting to walk going to Target, or opting to walk going to school. I decided to change my definition of "I have exercised today" by doing movement that is not too intense and something that I consciously need to do every single day. By allowing leniency on the intensity of my workouts, I was able to allow myself to tick the box of "I have exercised today". It was through these incremental changes that I was able to develop consistency. 

Where does patience come in though? Well, when we exercise, we immediately want to see results. We want immediate gratification for putting all that hard work in. But I realise, no. I may have exercised 19 days out of 30 (that's about ~4-5x per week in a month) in November-December, but it doesn't guarantee I would immediately see chiseled arms, abs, and legs. That effin' FUPA is still there and won't go away. Those love handles are so stubborn I just want to shave them off me. But I did see a flatter tummy, and cuts are developing around my upper arms and shoulders. I think there may also be some decrease of girth around my hips as some of my pants felt more comfortable to wear compared before. Incremental changes brought by consistency require patience. I should not feel deflated if I don't immediately see results because they will come IN TIME, provided I stay consistent to my exercise regimen. Heck, it took me a DECADE to realise my PhD dream. Good things take time. 

Additionally, being consistent (it's really a conscious effort to do this, the willpower needed in the beginning is tremendous!) brought changes to other aspects in my lifestyle as well. Because I love how I was able to hit my short-term goal of exercising at least 4x a week, it made me feel so good and fulfilled and accomplished. Yes, I allowed myself to feel accomplished when I exercise at least 4x/week. I love celebrating small wins. This feeling made me inspired to apply consistency changes to my sleeping habit.

I sleep very late (around 8 or 9AM), I wake up very late (around 4 or 5PM). It's a fucking vicious cycle. I even went to a physician just to treat this very ugly sleeping habit and got diagnosed with insomnia. It messed up things for me, but I'm thankful that despite this, I still managed to get two As out of three subjects at the end of the semester. So anyway, applying what I did to my workout issue, I did the same for my sleeping habit: consistency (which, by the way, sleep pattern loves). I decided to go easy on myself: if by 9pm I'm already feeling sleepy but there are still some dishes left on the sink, I just allow that to go unwashed and try to catch the sleepy feeling. If by 10pm I'm already feeling sleepy and have not done my nightly skincare routine, I drop the skincare routine and just sleep. I prioritised sleep, I made it consistent and just dropped everything that prevented me to get my zzzs on time. And lo and behold, I am now in bed between 10PM-12MN (the 12MN can be further improved) and set my alarm not at a specific time, but the NUMBER OF HOURS I need to sleep. For example, when I go to bed at 11PM, I'd ask Google to wake me up after eight hours - this allows me 30mins of falling asleep time (I usually read a book), clocking in a total of 7h30m of sleep, just what I need to get a full rest.

After doing this for about a month, I was able to identify the time wherein I would already feel sleepy: around 10-11PM. So if this is the time I would go to bed, I make sure to prepare dinner before 6PM, eat between 6-7PM, talk with Mico in between, wash the dishes, clean the kitchen and the floor, feed my rats, floss, brush my teeth, do my skincare by 9PM, and do other stuff. Then by 10PM when I'm sleepy, I've already finished all the chores that I need to do before going to bed. 

It's interesting that just by being consistent, sticking with that attitude, I was able to change many routines, which in turn made me feel happy and accomplished. So I'm trying to just be consistent, but if I want to see changes, then I must be patient. For this year, that's what I'm going to do. To see changes, one needs to be patient. Because by being patient, one can understand and appreciate the process of change, hence motivating oneself to stick with the process and be consistent. 

I'm excited what other routines I'll be able to change. Right now, I'm just really happy with my exercise routine and my improved sleeping and waking up habits (I don't lollygag in bed anymore, yay!!! I get up when I've had 7.5hrs of sleep).

When the semester starts on 18 January, let's see how this newfound consistency and patience can help me in my study habits.

Happy 2022!