I'm not really looking forward to writing this entry, but to be compliant to my 2023 goals, I guess I have to. I've already reneged in my goal of bi-weekly blog posting. But I guess I just need to force myself even if I don't want to. It can help build discipline and consistency.
So anyway.
These past days I've been feeling insecure about my competence and capability. I feel like I'm not good enough for this undertaking. I feel so half-baked. I feel like I'm a fraud. Am I really good at this? I may be able to do stuff but can I finish on time? I feel so... fake... a phony... I sometimes think if I actually belong here in this space...
Let me cite some instances. I think I've already written this in my previous post. Doing an assignment. It takes me twice or three times longer than my other classmates to finish assignments and projects. Expressing thoughts and ideas in class. I sometimes think if there's something wrong with my English? I know my vocabulary is pretty good, and I can be precise with my words. But when I'm expressing ideas and explaining things, say in journal club or in my discovery-based paper class, I feel like the way I construct sentences, it gets muddled because my thoughts are faster than what my mouth can utter. It happens when I speak in Tagalog too (yes, Tagalog, not Filipino) but then the nuances in my Tagalog can be filled in by the listeners' thoughts, like they understand me. But when speaking in English, I feel like there are a lot of ideas and nuances lost and I sometimes feel that I just fall flat and nonsensical.
Other instances include doing this paper on Alzheimer's Disease, cognitive function, and discrimination. What the hell do I know about these things? I'm learning as I pore over literature but I feel like it's never enough. I feel like I'm losing focus of what I need to do. I go down into rabbit holes of other stuff related to the topic, but it's not necessarily what I need for my paper. It's tiring, frustrating, and disappointing. It completely zaps my confidence and I'm left to worry and think whether I'm good at this or not. It makes me want to cry sometimes, especially when I'm seeing other people finish things so easily, like they just breeze on by, while I STRUGGLE GREATLY just to produce something. Though people say that what I produce is not mediocre, but still, it doesn't let me vanquish feelings of incompetence, dumbness, and idiocy.
My feelings of being an imposter have been heightened the past days, probably because I keep comparing myself to a colleague who is more than a decade younger than me. I feel like this colleague has got everything down pat, and here I am struggling so much. I feel awful about myself. I'm very happy for my colleague, but feel so disheartened for myself. I know I shouldn't be comparing, but I can't help it. It really makes me doubt my capabilities and question my competence. This environment that I'm in (being in a foreign land speaking a foreign language), I feel like I need to work twice as hard but only to be half as good as my American colleagues. Is this some language disadvantage? An educational system disadvantage? A socio-ecological disadvantage? Is being raised and educated in the Philippines in a middle-class family differ greatly from being raised and educated in a middle-class family in America?
In a way I think there are some superiorities of being raised in a middle-class family in Manila. We have house help. We have chauffeurs. We live in a good community where people interact. We have semi-strict religion practices that help keep us in check within morality and societal norms. And yet, here I am, so unsure and insecure.
Anyway, I've found this link to an article of the APA. This pretty much sums up what I'm feeling and experiencing. A few snippets that I found interesting:
"...impostor phenomenon occurs among high achievers who are unable to internalize and accept their success. They often attribute their accomplishments to luck rather than to ability, and fear that others will eventually unmask them as a fraud."
I'm even having difficulty accepting I'm a high achiever, despite what other people say that I am.
"As an African-American student, Hives says, "I was taught I would need to ‘work twice as hard to be half as good.' While this instills a goal-oriented approach within me, it also keeps me feeling as though my efforts will never be enough."
This part!!! WORK TWICE AS HARD TO BE HALF AS GOOD! I always always always feel this. Studying abroad does this to me, particularly here in America.
"As the youngest student in her program, Mary Guerrant, a second-year doctoral student of community psychology at North Carolina State University, dealt with strong impostor feelings during her first year of study."
In my case, I'm the oldest in my PhD cohort. And this really puts so much pressure for me to perform better and know more than my younger colleagues. I know it shouldn't be the case because each is different, and we have our own strengths and weaknesses. But I can't help but think about this.
"The impostor phenomenon seems to be more common among people who are embarking on a new endeavor, says Imes. In other words, graduate students may be particularly susceptible."
Glad to know I'm not alone though...
"The impostor phenomenon and perfectionism often go hand in hand. So-called impostors think every task they tackle has to be done perfectly, and they rarely ask for help. That perfectionism can lead to two typical responses, according to Clance. An impostor may procrastinate, putting off an assignment out of fear that he or she won't be able to complete it to the necessary high standards. Or, he or she may overprepare, spending much more time on a task than is necessary."
This paragraph describes me to T. Procrastinate or overprepare. THIS IS ME RIGHT NOW. And the problem is, I cannot stop!!! I cannot block this out! I'm stuck!!!
Anyway, I think I need to stop writing now. It's 3AM and I still have to be early in school tomorrow for a clinical experiment. Perhaps I'll make myself fall asleep while reading Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection. It says it helps with overcoming the imposter phenomenon. Let's see.
until then,
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