Today's thoughts

Hey. How's it going?

This is just a quick blog to jot down what I'm currently feeling.

I miss my family. I miss Mama. Today, Mico sent me photos of Mama going around our newly-acquired condo and blessing it with Holy Water. I miss her. Mama likes doing these kinds of things. You can rely on her doing such Catholic traditions and practices. She's getting old. Her body sort of shrunk, and you can see she's a bit frail. I can't help but think the price I have to pay for pursuing my PhD in the US is time spent away from Ma. I left 2021. It's been two years since. She's turning 75 this 2023 and by the time I finish my degree she'll be 77. This is if I finish on time. Thinking about this makes me sad. The window of spending time with her while she can still walk around gets narrower every year she ages. Tatay, my maternal grandfather, died at 77. Well that's because he had cancer. Nanay, on the other hand, died at age 85. We were still able to throw her a nice party at the Manila Hotel for her 80th birthday. I wish we could still throw an 80th birthday party for Mama.

Just thinking about her alone in her condo for 6 out of 7 days in a week makes me sad. But then, what can I do about it? I try to call her once or twice in two weeks, but I guess that may not be enough. 

It makes me think really, if pursuing my degree is worth being away from her for at least four years... When I think about my Delta friends, their parents are with companions. I'm the only one whose parent is alone. That's really making me sad. But what can I do... 

Well, there are many things I can do, right, but at the same time, I also need to set myself up for the academic career path I'm pursuing. And I just don't want to be an academic with mediocre credentials. I want to be an above average academic, if I can. And this means pursuing training abroad, being away from family, sacrificing personal convenience and family priorities to be able to focus on my training and become a good academic. 

Anyway.

I just have to make sure that I get this PhD degree. Whatever it takes. I'm going to get it. So as to justify the time away from my family. Two more years will be fast. I'm already in Week 10 of 16 of Fall 2023. The prize is to graduate by Spring 2025. Eyes on the prize, bitch. You can fucking do this.

Until then,