Today's thoughts: Fall 2023 begins next week

As the semester draws near, I am feeling anxious and agitated. I think these feelings are vestiges of trauma from the summer semester. Also, I think I'm starting to fear my advanced epidemiology and biostatistics subjects. Here I am again, venturing into the unknown, with all my insecurities and imposter complex as excess baggage that I can't get rid of.

I go back to the thought of not being an expert in this field. Nay, not even an intermediate in this field. My knowledge and experience only started in 2021. Two years later, as I enter my junior PhD year, I may have gained new knowledge but no wisdom. What am I doing here? How can I even survive in academia with such little wisdom in the field of public health/epidemiology? I know I have something to offer, but right now, I am not yet able to marry my expertise in DRRM and my new field, public health. 

As I delve deeper into public health, I take on the field of Alzheimer's Disease and Related Dementia, and the different socioeconomic and sociocultural risk factors that are associated with the disease. What formal training did I receive to venture into such field? None, really. Except perhaps my biochemistry undergraduate and my current units in PhD. My work experience and master's degrees do not have anything to do with this field of study.

Am I even interested in ADRD? Or is this something that I'm just forced to do because I need to graduate from my program? I remember having qualms about pursuing this field hence, I applied to UCanterbury. I got accepted, yes, but then the question shifted from, "what is it that I want?" to, "when would you want to obtain your degree?" If I go to Canterbury, it would take me three years to obtain my degree. Whereas if I stay at HSC, just two more years and I can graduate. Not only this, I remember weighing so many pros and cons with moving to NZ or staying in the US, getting my training in NZ or in the US, to the point where I just got exhausted from ruminating on the issue. In the end, I just lifted everything to God and laid down some conditions that would help me and Mico choose which path we should end up traversing.

And so the path that was set is to stay here in America, stay in HSC, have Mico come here to take his master's, and for me to finish my PhD. Our plans and options after we both obtain our degrees are not yet fully determined, and we would make our decisions once we bag our degrees. 

So for now, just keep cool, focus on the present, nail your assignments, write your manuscripts, and fucking soldier on. It's okay to be anxious and afraid. What's important is to overcome this and be victorious in the end. Finish strong, Edz!

Until then,