Today's thoughts: check in the day before Finals Week

Well, I'm not really sure what to write in here, but I just feel the need for writing in here prior to starting my work. 

Today, I did laundry, showered, dressed myself, made coffee and a snack, and now I'm sitting in front of my computer, readying myself to work until midnight. I was able to read the paper for my finals last night, it was an interesting read. It was about using hormone therapy to prevent the risk of breast cancer among women with the BRCA1 gene mutation.

So the researchers conducted a matched case-control study of 472 post-menopausal women with BRCA1 mutation, and they matched the women on age, age at menopause, and type of menopause. The cases here are women with the breast cancer and the controls do not have the breast cancer. The exposure is the hormone therapy. So if you plot the 2x2 table and compute for the odds ratio:

                  cases (w/ breast CA)   control (w/o breast CA)    total                         

w/ HT         47                            68                                  115 (total exposed)                                        

w/o HT      189                          168                                257 (total unexposed)

                                                                                          472 (total sample population)

Crude odds ratio: = (47x168)/(189x68) = 0.61 (an OR of 0.61 means that there is 0.61 times the odds of the breast cancer occurring in the group w/o HT. In short, there is a 39% reduction (1-0.61) of breast cancer occurring among women who are exposed to HT.)

The participants were stratified based on the type of menopause they have, the age at menopause, and the age of diagnosis. The adjusted ORs were computed for this to see if there is any confounding based on these factors. I haven't fully analyzed the paper to see if the researchers have found confounding and what they did to account for this, but I would assume they did some statistical adjustments (and they also did stratification) to account for confounding.

Okay, so I went back to the paper and looking at it, they did a multivariable regression analysis. This is a method that can be used to account/adjust for confounding. Based on the type of menopause, the adjusted and unadjusted ORs do not seem to differ greatly, indicating that the type of menopause is not a confounder. For age of menopause and age at diagnosis, adjusted and unadjusted ORs are also close to each other (basically a difference of 0.01), indicating that these two variables are not confounding the measures of association. 

Anyway, these are just thoughts about what I read last night that are going on in my head. I need to get back to work now. At least I was able to think of this and write it down. 

Until then,

Wish me luck!!!

Today's thoughts: Week 15 of Fall 2023

I'm down to Week 15 of  16 of my Fall 2023 semester. As I write this entry down, I'm listening to Berlin Philharmonic's rendition of Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings Op. 11. It's a marvelous piece of classical music, one that I can listen to on a loop all day long. 

Anyway. 

Well, it has come down to this penultimate week, the week where everything comes crashing as final projects are due by Week 16. And I have four major things to do: 1) EPID final project; 2) EPID take home comps-style finals; 3) PHED teaching demo; and 4) BIOS final project. The pressing and most difficult of all are the EPID ones. My epi courses are the ones I find the most difficult, like really. Perhaps because all these concepts are new? Biostatistics, in a way, I've learned them since undergrad and throughout my master's. But epi... Omigosh super alien to me. And there are numerous nuances into it, it's ghastly. Ghastly because it requires you to learn and understand all these nuances to be able to have sensible and scientifically-sound answers to problems, which takes so much thinking and processing it's enough to make someone go crazy. Seriously. But this can be just me, most likely because I have no prior knowledge about epidemiology and everything is so new that my mind is having a stupendously arduous time comprehending higher level concepts. Ugh.

Nonetheless, I find epi interesting enough that I'm shifting gears from environmental science/DRRM to epidemiology. I can still marry both fields, but right now, I can't. Maybe in my post-doc there will be an opportunity.  

Out of the four pressing tasks to do, number one priority is the EPID final project, as it's both urgent and important. Second is the EPID finals, as it's deadline is on 5 December, followed by a teaching demo on 6 December for PHED, and finally the BIOS final project whose deadline is 8 December. 

After all this, I AM FREE!!! Woohoo! FREE TO DO RESEARCH WORK!!! Hahahaha! 😂😂😂 All these coursework assignments hinder me from writing papers and doing stats analysis, ugh. But I love research and the more time I get to spend writing, the better for me. Less distractions (from coursework shenanigans) mean more writing time, which I love. 

Okay, we can do this!!! Let's do this, woo!!! 🎉🎉🎉

p.s. Mico arrives by 18 December, I can't wait!!! 💓

My beloved rat, Henry, 29 August - 26 November 2023 (10:43AM)

After putting Fatty to rest, six days later, Henry followed.

I was telling Mico wouldn't it be poetic if Henry left on the same day he came to me? Henry did just that. I welcomed him and Harry last 26 November 2021. Exactly two years after, Henry left. 

I loved Henry. Well, I loved all of my rats. But Henry, I guess, was different. His will to live and fighting spirit seemed to be the strongest of the three. He also seemed to be the bravest, soldiering on despite having a gaping stomach wound. He seemed to be the fittest of the three. He outlasted both Harry and Fatty. He was also very affectionate, would give me kisses whenever I pet him.

When Harry passed, it was just us two for about a month. I would dance with him while singing, "just the two of us, we can make it if we try, just the two of us...", to which he would remain calm yet terrified at the same time while I clutch him near my (flat) chest, swaying and spinning around the room. When Fatty passed, I sang to him the same song as I cuddled him. He was already weak, but I'm so proud of Henry for being resilient. He's a rat that fought hard. Despite his huge tumor that's hampering his movements, he made a great effort to eat, drink, poo, and pee. Henry taught me a lesson to just keep fighting no matter the odds. He knew he was going to die soon, but I knew he tried to delay death as much as he could. 

With Henry, I have no regrets because I know I was able to care for him until his last breath. I was able to clean him every day, change his bedding, dress his wound, feed him, pet him, spend time with him, cuddle him... I can say I really took good care of him in his sunset days. He wasn't on my lap when he died, but I heard him when he was thrashing in his cage, and I woke and got up despite just having three hours of sleep. Safe to say I was there right beside him, holding him when he expired. He knew I was there. I was there. 

I'm so happy you became part of my life, Henry. For two, happy, beautiful years. I gave it my all for you, Henry. Thank you for allowing me to care for you. I love you, and I will always love you. You will always be my baby rat, Henry. 💓💓💓

Here are some of Henry's last moments:

The night before he passed. He was my working companion. I knew his time was coming, so I made sure he was near me so I could pet and hug him.

I made sure to capture some last photos with him. I had to cover his huge tumour with a paper towel.

Henry's last moments with me.

I love you Henry. You are the first and my last baby rat. I will always love you.

💓💓💓

My pet rat, Fatty, was euthanized 20 November at 3AM

I am still reeling over Fatty's death. He was euthanized at 3AM at the Animal Emergency Hospital of North Texas. It was my first-ever euthanasia experience. 

Two nights ago, Fatty suddenly convulsed in his cage, became limp, and I thought for a moment he was dead. I shook him vigorously, felt his trachea for any obstruction, performed chest compressions by pressing his heart, pressed his abdomen in the hopes of expunging whatever's blocking his airways (if there's any but there's none). Then I saw him blink and saw him breathing. But he wasn't the Fatty before. 

After this convulsing episode, his body became limp, he had paresis of the lower limbs, can't move his tail, and he would just crawl to wherever he needs to go. He wasn't eating, wasn't drinking, wasn't peeing, wasn't pooing. But he was alive. When I would lift his hind legs and act as if I were his prosthesis, he would start moving around, with his two forelimbs scurrying under the sofa or the bed. 

One night, he nested under the sofa. Then when I awoke the next day, I found him under the bed. It was about a one meter crawl for him. I scooped him up, placed him beside me, right by my armpit where he loves to snuggle, and we just cuddled. He would squirm a bit and move around the space beside me, but he couldn't go far as his legs cannot carry his weight anymore. As I got up, I made a space for him underneath my body pillow at the foot of the bed, surrounded by my soft blanket. He stayed there for almost the whole day. Fatty did try to crawl towards my head pillows, a place he likes to snuggle into also because well, he can smell me among my pillows. And rats have an acute sense of smell. Fatty just wanted to go to places in the apartment where he felt safe and comfy, and I'm glad the bed and my pillows are places where he felt such. He's the only rat that I had that liked doing this.

Then on the third night, he still hasn't consumed nor defecated, and I was really getting worried. Never mind the food, but not to drink anything for the past two days! That's what made me anxious. So things weren't going well at all, but if you see Fatty at this point, he just looked like a cute, chubby, white rat who was resting in pancake position. I went to carry him and placed him on the sofa, he stayed there a bit, I would pet him occasionally, then suddenly, he had this episode of gasping for air! It was scary. It looked like he was drowning or choking and desperately gasping for air. He would also gag and I can see and feel he was really in distress. When I saw this, it compelled me to bring him to the vet, even if it was already 12:30AM. I felt like he can still be saved if I just go to the vet immediately. And so I did. I traveled from Fort Worth to Grapevine, a 45min drive. Quite late to be travelling this far. But anyway, I needed to get Fatty to the vet. So I packed my laptop, my epi book, food, things that would help get through while waiting for Fatty's procedures. I was out of the apartment in 20minutes. (that's pretty fast considering it takes me at least 30minutes to get ready)

I was praying that I get an Uber driver who would take me safely to the vet. The Lord heard me and both my Uber drivers to and from the vet are the nicest Uber drivers I've been with. They are both so kind, patient, and understanding, and I really thank the Lord for giving me such Uber drivers last night. Thank you Lord 💓 Fatty was calm the whole time we were on our way to the vet. He curled up in the box I placed him in, and my hand was petting him until we reached the vet. It's my way of comforting 

So I arrived at the vet, they took Fatty in, got some history information from me, and I sat in the waiting room until the vet approached me. She said, "things are not looking good with Fatty." It seems Fatty was suffering multiple illnesses simultaneously. He had respiratory, stomach, and cardiac issues. She said Fatty had a galloping heart rhythm, indicating possible pulmonary edema and heart failure. The vet also said Fatty had something in his stomach, which she cannot identify. It's not a tumour but something that's causing Fatty to have these issues. There's also the issue of blood dripping out of Fatty's left nostril, which I thought was just porphyrin, but it turns out that it's actual blood dripping. I only noticed this when Fatty was already dead, and he's laying on his left side, and I noticed there's blood coming out of his nostril. Fatty was also having episodic attacks of gasping for air and gagging. The vet said there's a "confluence of factors" that makes Fatty's case difficult to specify unless a slew of diagnostics be performed --- all of which would cost money. Bottom line, Fatty needed a LOT of diagnostics and procedures if we wanted him fixed. The x-ray alone costs $400, in addition to the consultation fee of $170. Then there were still the procedures, which we didn't know what to do yet because the diagnostic tests would still need to be done. In short, the costs exceedingly outweigh the benefits. And there's no guarantee that Fatty would be back to normal. Also, the vet knew of my financial situation as well. Dr. McGee was really very understanding and kind. I'm happy she was the vet for Fatty. She knew what she was doing, really. Because the last time I was the there, the vet that Henry had was inexperienced and I think and feel she wasn't able to diagnose Henry that well. Dr. McGee was definitely, highly experienced. 

I brought up the option of euthanasia and Dr. McGee understood that this was my most viable option to consider. Also, just to further confirm her diagnosis and make certain that euthanasia is the option to consider, she discussed with her colleague, who is a small mammal expert, about Fatty's situation and asked her medical opinion. They both agreed that at this point, Fatty would only get worse as he's not eating, drinking, peeing, and pooing. Moving forward, they made me sign papers to go ahead with Fatty's procedure, and asked if I wanted to have him cremated (no ashes would be returned) or take him home with me so I can bury his body. I decided on the latter. 

Before they euthanized Fatty, I got to see him one last time. He was wrapped up in a blanket when they brought him to me. I spent around 15minutes cuddling Fatty, petting him, saying goodbye. I felt like he knew he was about to die, and it was something he feared. I felt his fear and his plea not to euthanize him. He still looked like a healthy rat. If one didn't know of his issues, he would seem like a cute chubby playful rat. As I held him, I could sense his fear and sadness. When I put him back on the blanket, he curled up, like trying to get ready to sleep. Little did he know he would not be waking up anymore. As I write this, I miss Fatty so much, my heart hurts. A part of me is regretting I had him euthanized early on, when he still looked healthy. I wish I let him stay longer with me, even just after Thanksgiving. It's painful. I regret having him euthanized early on. I usually don't regret most of my actions, but this one, I'm sort of regretting. I have in my mind's eye, Fatty's expression when I held him the last time. It was of fear and sadness. It wasn't bewilderment or exhaustion. It was fear and sadness.

I wish I could've cared for him longer. I wish he could've been emaciated with me first before bringing him to the vet. I wish I could've spent more time with him until I TRULY felt he was having an excruciating time and he needed to be euthanized. I am full of regret now. The feeling is abominable. I rarely feel regret because when I decide on something, I know I've thought of it long and hard. When I decide on something, I hold on to that decision and I stand up for it. But this time, I'm just regretting I had Fatty euthanized too early. I am deeply sorry, Fatty. I wish you could've stayed with me a little longer until you felt like giving up. I miss you so much already. 

It's the first day that you're gone, and I know when I wake up, I wouldn't be opening your cage anymore, and hugging you, and letting you roam free around the apartment, like what I always did in the past four months I had you. I miss your soft fur, your soft and chubby body. I just miss hugging and cuddling you around my neck, giving you tickles all over your back and belly. I miss you coming to me when I'm in the toilet, in the kitchen, in my study area, wedging yourself in between my feet, being cute to ask for food. It was just so sudden, Fatty. Three nights ago you were just this happy, bouncy chubby rat, prancing around the apartment. Then you had that horrible stroke/aneurysm/thrombosis/whatever episode, and suddenly you were bereft of your good health and were left limp and paralyzed. It was a complete 180 for you and me, and I wasn't at all ready. I didn't know how to respond to such sudden change. I would like to think I'm a resilient person, and I can care for you until your remaining days. I guess I just didn't try hard enough. I wish I kept you longer with me. I wish you could've just died in my arms and not at the vet. I wish you could've breathed  your last breath with me, just like Harry. I had you euthanized too early. My heart is in pain because of the regret I feel. I am sincerely and deeply sorry, Fatty. 

I love you so much, my adopted rat, Fatty. You were with me for four months and I have three keloidal scars from you to remember you by. You would always be with me. I love you, Fatty. Please forgive me.

Sharing some last photos of Fatty here. 💓

Fatty likes to snuggle in between my feet when I'm in the kitchen, in the toilet, in my study, on the sofa.

One of the things I love about Fatty is he likes to snuggle and take naps right beside me or on top of me. Here's one afternoon of that.

Fatty's "casket" with dried rose petals. It's as if he's only sleeping.

Just right after euthanasia. He was still soft and warm, like he was just sleeping

This was before he was to be euthanized.

More photos before euthanasia.

Look at that cute face. Oh Fatty, my heart longs for you.

Fatty also likes to be kissed.

Heehee look at that cute face.

Oh Fatty, I will miss you. I love you.

Today's thoughts

Hey. How's it going?

This is just a quick blog to jot down what I'm currently feeling.

I miss my family. I miss Mama. Today, Mico sent me photos of Mama going around our newly-acquired condo and blessing it with Holy Water. I miss her. Mama likes doing these kinds of things. You can rely on her doing such Catholic traditions and practices. She's getting old. Her body sort of shrunk, and you can see she's a bit frail. I can't help but think the price I have to pay for pursuing my PhD in the US is time spent away from Ma. I left 2021. It's been two years since. She's turning 75 this 2023 and by the time I finish my degree she'll be 77. This is if I finish on time. Thinking about this makes me sad. The window of spending time with her while she can still walk around gets narrower every year she ages. Tatay, my maternal grandfather, died at 77. Well that's because he had cancer. Nanay, on the other hand, died at age 85. We were still able to throw her a nice party at the Manila Hotel for her 80th birthday. I wish we could still throw an 80th birthday party for Mama.

Just thinking about her alone in her condo for 6 out of 7 days in a week makes me sad. But then, what can I do about it? I try to call her once or twice in two weeks, but I guess that may not be enough. 

It makes me think really, if pursuing my degree is worth being away from her for at least four years... When I think about my Delta friends, their parents are with companions. I'm the only one whose parent is alone. That's really making me sad. But what can I do... 

Well, there are many things I can do, right, but at the same time, I also need to set myself up for the academic career path I'm pursuing. And I just don't want to be an academic with mediocre credentials. I want to be an above average academic, if I can. And this means pursuing training abroad, being away from family, sacrificing personal convenience and family priorities to be able to focus on my training and become a good academic. 

Anyway.

I just have to make sure that I get this PhD degree. Whatever it takes. I'm going to get it. So as to justify the time away from my family. Two more years will be fast. I'm already in Week 10 of 16 of Fall 2023. The prize is to graduate by Spring 2025. Eyes on the prize, bitch. You can fucking do this.

Until then,

My undergraduate thesis and other things (i.e. scholarship journey)

So I was overhauling the format and content of my CV today (it took me five hours, seriously) and I Googled the School of the Department of Environmental Science at Ateneo. I taught in this school under this department for one semester. I didn't find what I intended to look for, but I found this instead:

Link to webpage

Omigoodness it's our undergraduate thesis!!!!! This study was conducted 18 years ago and I came across it again, WOW!!!

Omigosh so I clicked on some other links and look what I found:

Link to webpage

THIS IS JUST SO COOL!!!!!! Oh my heart!!! 

💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

What makes this so cool and amazing is because of all the memories that came flooding my mind when I read the abstract! And I went like, "omigosh I remember all those countless hours we spent in the lab (mostly washing lab glassware and running the rotary evaporator, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)!"

I didn't have good grades in my undergrad, but my goodness the hard times were the best times!!! If someone were to ask me if I would redo my undergrad years and have better grades in exchange for less hardships, less extra-curricular activities, and less time with friends... perhaps when I was younger, in my early- to mid-20s, when I was studying my master's in UP, I would have probably said yes, let me redo my undergrad so I can have better grades in exchange for all the fun that I had. 

But now, now I'm in my mid- to late-30s, received my master's in Australia, and taking my PhD in the US, I would not exchange my undergrad memories, friendships, and experience for anything else. Not at all. My fortitude, resilience, and perseverance were built on my failures as a biochemistry student. I was seen by some faculty members of my department as someone who wouldn't get far and achieve much in life. This was my perception because this was how I felt based on how they were treating me.

Oh well. Look at me now. A bit late, to be honest, in pursuing my PhD. Nonetheless, I'm proud to have studied in the best schools in the Philippines (UP Diliman) and in Australia (ANU). And now, I'm here in the US, at an R1 research university, on my third year as a PhD student. And what makes me even prouder to say is that I FUNDED ALL MY POSTGRADUATE EDUCATION through scholarships, stipends, and salaries. Yep. I did all that. Of course I would be inflating my story if I left out the financial support of my parents and husband. Of course they supported me in terms of the pre-acceptance expenses and other external expenses which my money couldn't finance (e.g., new luggage, winter clothes, 

In UP, I was working as a University Research Associate, and part of our benefits included free six units of coursework. This was also the maximum number of coursework you can take as you're classified as a part-time student and a full-time employee. And because I was working, I also had a "stipend" in the form of employee salary. In ANU, I was fortunate to be the recipient of the prestigious Australia Awards Scholarship. I studied for free and got a monthly allowance that paid for my board and lodging. In UNTHSC, I got accepted into the PhD program and fortunately, when you get admitted, you automatically are enrolled under a scholarship and will receive stipend in the form of employee salary as a graduate research assistant. 

So yeah. I studied for free. Earning while I was studying so I had little money in my pocket to finance my living expenses. The drawback was that I'm not able to save anything because I subsisted on meager stipends. Well, I really don't chase much the money, but I do value the honor and prestige more than anything else.

Anyway, I meant this blog post to be only a short one that features the websites with our undergrad thesis. It ended up being a long one 😅

Until then,

Today's thoughts: I can't fully grasp the assignment

 

So I've been mulling on this assignment for almost four hours, and I can't seem to fully understand how to execute the Extended Cox Proportional Hazards Model. I understand the concept, but I'm not sure if I'm understanding the dataset. What we're analyzing here is the Stanford Heart Transplant Data. Our main goal is to assess whether patients receiving transplants survived longer than patients not receiving heart transplants. 

In survival data analysis, there are two functions in your equation: 1) the survival function; and 2) the hazard function. If you know either of the functions, you can determine the other. While it is more appealing to directly determine the survival function, it is usually the hazard function we are interested in identifying due to mathematical reasons. There are two models that can be used: the Kaplan-Meier model, or a Cox Proportional Hazards (PH) model to estimate survival times. The former estimates survival probabilities (i.e. the survival function) while the latter estimates hazard ratios (i.e. the hazard function). Because of this, and also because if our model is semi-parametric, we would use Cox PH model.

Now in this assignment we are to use a Cox PH model, but the approach is an EXTENDED Cox PH model (the other approach is using a STRATIFIED Cox PH model). I am getting confused as to which variables should be included in my model as the variables are not straightforwardly explained in the assignment dossier or in the book. Also, I am a bit confused what my heaviside functions should be, and what code should I type in to determine my heaviside functions (yes, that's the correct spelling of heaviside. It's a mathematical term. Look it up on Google). Argh! I'm just frustrated because I was hoping to finish this assignment today and ended up not finishing it. Though I'm glad I was able to understand the extended Cox PH model, but I failed to execute the codes. It's frustrating. And I still have a number of other assignments that I need to do. I was hoping I can cross this one off but I guess I I have to park it until Monday.

Times like this I just want to throw a chair out of the window to release stress. I can't help but think I wasted time. I know I shouldn't say this because I learned something new and I know I'm now prepared to ask questions by Monday from our instructor. Nonetheless, it's just a bothersome feeling not to have finished this assignment.

Oh well. Let's move on to the next assignment (I have three more lined up, UGH).

Until then, 

I love expressing myself by dressing up sometimes :)

9 April 2023. Fort Worth, Texas. 

Leather loafers by Bally. Vintage handbag by Ronora. Barrister button-down shirt by Uniqlo J+. Straight cut washed jeans by Levi's.

Charot lang. Masarap minsan mag-feeling, hahaha!

 

Missing NOLA

13 April 2023. New Orleans, Louisiana. 

 

Late post: Week 4 of Fall 2023

 

Link to video

This video was supposed to be uploaded last 12 September. That was when Week 4 just rolled in. A month into the semester, ugh. As I type this, Week 6 has already wrapped up and next week will be the penultimate week leading to midterms (Week 8). Time is flying quickly, everything seems to be a blur when you're busy with many things. But time being fast means the sooner I get to be with Mico. I can't wait for December to come. 💓

Today's thoughts: feeling grateful

Every now and then I would get overwhelming feelings of gratefulness during quiet times or when I'm doing routine activity such as walking (or washing the dishes). 

I had my flu shot today. I walked to and from school, and while walking going back to my apartment, I felt a feeling of overwhelming gratitude of where I am, how I was able to get where I am right now, and thinking that I've been given such a beautiful blessing and I should be maximizing every moment that I have. Maximizing/optimizing moments mean I should not be taking things for granted, and that I should be doing the best that I can in everything that I do. Anything worth doing is worth doing well. Appreciate both the good times and the challenging times. The latter I tend to embrace more as these moments are seeds of growth. I always tell myself that if I'm not being challenged, then I am not growing. The more challenges I encounter, the better I can become. Moreover, I know that overcoming challenges mean traversing a learning curve that can be either steep or gently sloping. Regardless, this just means that it takes time, effort, and mental and physical fortitude (one of my most favourite values, in addition to perseverance) to conquer challenges and eventually find the task/activity easy to do.

I remember when I started my PhD in 2021, I knew NOTHING about R and SAS and the whole epidemiology thing. I remember my subject on intro to epidemiology and also my SAS class, everything was a fucking struggle. I remember despairing over my intro to epi because I had a difficult time identifying the different study designs. I had ZERO knowledge of these things and learning them for the first time was onerous for me. To add to the burden, my mental health was suffering. Sleep was elusive and I found myself spiraling down into depression. Thankfully, I was able to recover and I think this episode might just be the result of culture shock. Adjusting in a foreign place takes about a year for me to be really really stable and confident. 

Fast forward, look at me now. Third year PhD, doing advanced epi. Give me a dataset and I'll wrangle it in SAS and R. I'm now more confident about my statistical and epidemiological knowledge and skills. And it took two years (I started August 2021) to get where I am now. Putting in all that hard work was fucking worth it. Super worth it. Things may continue to be harder, but I know I'll also get better in time. 

All this I was able to do because of God, my husband, and my family. 💗 I will always and forever be grateful, no matter where I am and what I am experiencing in life. 💖

Until then,

Today's thoughts: panic post

Whenever I write here, I think that can be a plausible indicator that I'm procrastinating. I have this argumentative essay that I need to write due tonight (Wednesday); I have to be at school tomorrow by 9AM sharp (Thursday); I have class in the afternoon and I haven't read the required chapter reading; then I need to pack my things and get to the FW train station by 0430H, be a the airport by 0600H, to catch my flight to SFO at 0810H (Friday). 

Now while in California over the weekend, I need to do my homework in epidemiology due by Tuesday night; I have TA duty on Tuesday morning and teach logistic regression; I have a reflection paper due midnight on Wednesday; and I have a survival analysis assignment due Friday. Then the next week I have again a reading quiz assignment due on Tuesday, reflection paper by Wednesday, and survival analysis (SAS mostly) due Friday.

AND on top of this all I need to write my manuscript for my paper on discrimination X ADRD. There's just TOO MUCH on my plate and I feel I don't have enough time to do all of them well. I can do them, but I'll turn in something mediocre, most likely, which I don't like, ugh. :(

AND on top of the top, I have to do household chores (cook, wash dishes, clean the apartment laundry, water plants, care for rats). I haven't been in the gym for the past three days, and I feel bad about it. UGH. There's just too much distractions. What more if I have kids and no yaya to help me out??? It's crazy.

Anyway, I was able to vent out a little with this post. So I will now head to MS Word and start typing away my argumentative essay. 

Here's a comic from Jorge Cham's PhD Comics that rings true for most academics. It's unfortunate that I'm at a stage in my career where this is reality, hahaha. This shouldn't be the case, but academia in America is this.

Until then,

Today's thoughts: just a quick post here

I think I may be procrastinating because I am writing in my blog before working on my assignments, hahaha. Anyway, I don't have anything specific to write about, other than I'm glad I was able to bring my ass today in the gym despite strong opposition from my hormones. It's that time of the month where I am at my most sluggish and exhausted state because of depleted oestrogen level. 

So what did I do to fight it off? First, I checked my Volt app to see what exercises I'd be doing. When I saw I'm in the hypertrophy week and needed to do more reps while lifting lighter weights, that motivated me. I thought that it would be more doable, especially now I'm in my luteal phase, compared to when I'm doing strength training where I push my body to lift heavier weights. And when I saw that the estimated finish time was below one hour, that motivated me even more. 

Another motivator for me is, if I can spend more than an hour scrolling through IG reels and YT shorts, I should be able to spend my time more wisely and more productively by exercising. It's tremendously easy to get sucked into your phone, getting stuck in the same posture of crouching or lying down, and scrolling for videos or doing online shopping. I think that instead of doing this nonsensical and pitifully futile activity, it's better to get my ass in the gym, and do strength training, cardio, or stretching. It surely is a more productive way of spending one hour and I get to tick off exercising in my to-do list.

Anyway, I think I may have written enough and this is the part where I should sign off and start working on my assignments. It's currently 1715H and I still need to work on two assignments: one writing assignment, and one reading assignment.

Until then,

Today's thoughts: Rejection and failure

I blog because I like to record my memories; I like to express myself through writing; and I like to hone my writing skills. Some people draw or paint, some people do vlogs, but writing for me has always been therapeutic. 

Today, I need some therapy. I will record my feelings and experience of being consecutively rejected TWICE in one week. I both got rejections for my HESP grant application and my late-breaker abstract for the American Public Health Association (APHA) 2023 Conference. 

How did I feel? Certainly, there were feelings of dejection, dispiritedness, and self-doubt. The imposter complex reared its ugly head again. However, the feelings were fleeting. HESP rejection lasted about a day, while the abstract rejection lasted for a few hours. I guess what lingered a little longer was the feeling of failure of having been rejected back-to-back in one week. I described it to Mico as a one-two punch then the right hook. Usually though, such feelings of failure would take at least three days for me to overcome. I would wallow in my dismalness at first, then mull over my mistakes. This time around, I was able to get over it in less than 72 hours.

Perhaps because I did not have any regrets in what I did, and because I knew I gave it my 100%. I burned the midnight oil writing that grant. There were many exchanges between me and my adviser, and he also spent time and effort checking my work. But despite not winning the grant, I do not feel that bad about it. What mattered to me was the journey rather than the destination. Writing a simple grant application (yes, this was way simple compared to a real grant proposal) was challenging and tough, especially for me who's a new wannabe researcher in the field of Alzheimer's Disease and Related Dementia (ADRD). However, I learned a lot through the whole ordeal, and that's what's more important for me. Going through this arduous task taught me precious lessons in writing, critical and novel thinking, and 'selling' yourself to a scientific panel. This experience gave me a glimpse of my future as an academic here in the United States (that is, if staying here in the US is something I'd pursue), and I saw how competitive it is. In order to succeed, I must work conscientiously and consistently so I can develop and grow myself, and be really good.

As for my late-breaker abstract rejection, I got rejected not because my research sucked or it was useless, the abstract got rejected because it didn't qualify as a late-breaker abstract. The studies submitted for late-breakers are usually ground-breaking or novel, something that is outside the qualifications of a regular abstract submission. My abstract should have been submitted during the regular abstract submission. I didn't do so because initially, I did not have plans of submitting an abstract to any conference at all. I only decided to submit months after the regular submissions have ended. I never had an abstract rejected so this came as a shock to me. But then I was comforted by the fact that late-breaker abstracts are studies that are beyond the scope of regular abstract submissions. If I submitted during the regular time, I'm pretty sure my abstract would have been accepted. Anyway. I guess I won't be traveling to Atlanta by November. 

Anyway, what is past, is past. This experience and the feelings associated with it serve as important lessons in navigating academia. Rejections and failures serve as opportunities for growth. I can become stronger because I've faced many challenges and failed many times. Such events make me rethink my strategies and strengthen my mettle so that next time I'm faced with obstacles, I can overcome them. There is no way but up.

Until then,

Today's thoughts: approaching middle age indifference

 

I saw this quote of Sylvia Plath in Instagram Reels while I was busy procrastinating. It got me thinking if, in a way, I resonate with Sylvia's fear. Well, I think I am yet to achieve the 'well-educated' part when I obtain my PhD degree. The brilliantly promising, I will be that when I get to publish numerous novel papers. However, I am close to the point where 'middle age' is starting to become a realty. 

The average life expectancy of a person in the US is 76 years old, while Filipinos' is approximately 73 years old. Let's round that off to 80 years of age. I only have THREE YEARS left before reaching 'middle age' of 40. Am I fading into an indifferent near-middle age woman?

We have to define what indifferent here means. Here's what my quick Google search showed:

I don't know what Sylvia's definition was, but for me, indifferent takes on the definition, "neither good nor bad; mediocre". If there are words in the English language that I am not fond of, mediocre is one. Mediocre doesn't sit well with my attitude. Anything worth doing is worth doing well. So if you are going to do something, better to give it your all than just being half-assed about it. SEGUE: This is one trait of Lady Gaga that I really admire. She doesn't do half-assed works. She gives her 100% into everything: singing, expressing herself through fashion, making bold statements, creating music, performing; Gaga gives it her all. And I want to be like that too, giving everything all I got into what I do. It's going to be hard. It's going to be uncomfortable. It's going to be unbearable. But in all these challenges and the mistakes that come with it, the growth will be tremendous. And this is how I like to learn: by encountering many challenges and by making many mistakes. Because I know that it is here where I will and can learn the most. 

Going back to Sylvia's quote, 'fading out into an indifferent middle age', I guess I would also have to fear this part. To become mediocre, lackluster, second-rate... To lose drive and ambition... I don't want to become like that. I don't want to be indifferent. I don't want to live life by succumbing to mediocrity. 

Sylvia Plath died at the age of 30. She had ten more years prior to reaching middle age. I am 37 and I've lived seven years more than her, and I don't think I am currently indifferent. I am curious however, once I've obtained my PhD degree and reach the age of 40, will I start to fade into indifference?  

We'll know in three years. Right now, this PhD thing is definitely NOT making me indifferent.

Until then,

Preparing for your first PhD semester

I was recently talking to an incoming freshman PhD student and she asked me tips on how to prepare for her first semester. This got me thinking what I wish someone told me prior to starting my PhD journey.

Actually, I think I was ready to a certain extent, as I was 35 years old when I matriculated into my PhD in Public Health (concentration in Epidemiology) program at UNTHSC. I had in me the maturity and wisdom to know that the PhD is not a sprint but a marathon, and that I knew I had to be focused, disciplined, and organized if I want to graduate within the prescribed time (and allotted funding, of course).

I have read and heard many horror stories of PhD students not finishing/completing their degree. Most stories I've heard of dropping out were due to their burn out or mental health suffering in grad school. As an incoming third year student, I've encountered these feelings but not because of grad school per se, rather because of culture shock. 

For my graduate studies, I've lived in Australia and the United States and studied under scholarships. It wasn't the curriculum or workload of both degrees, master's and PhD, that made me depressed or emotionally incapacitated or burned out. It was being in a foreign land, alone (especially in the US), speaking a language that made me communicate and express myself less (despite being proficient in English), and overwhelmed by the feeling of inferiority. This was what culture shock did to me. Fortunately, it was just a phase. It came around in the fourth month of my residency, both in Oz and the US, and lasted for about three to four months. After which things started to pick up again, and that feeling of inferiority slowly diminished. However, sometimes, I still feel a bit uncomfortable expressing myself as a gnawing feeling of, "your English is not good enough", creeps in. Well, I just need to talk more to people to overcome this.

Anyway, as for tips on preparing for your first PhD semester, based on my experience:

It's all about setting up your environment/surroundings for you to be able to execute your routine work (i.e. studying and doing assignments). You need to get your apartment/room/study area/sleeping area/ bathroom/ kitchen, EVERYTHING, ready to work around your routine. Some activities I do include:

    1. Cleaning my entire apartment - this involves dusting my shelves and tables, sweeping and mopping my floors, organizing my kitchen and bathroom, doing laundry (clothes, bedsheets, rags, rugs, throw pillows, shoes), watering my plants, cleaning my pet rats' enclosures.

    2. Preparing meals - I try to cook as little as possible during weekdays so I do meal preps on weekends. This can give me more time to study and work during weekdays instead of cooking and cleaning up.

    3. I make sure to assign a time slot/schedule to all my activities, including resting, gym, and Netflix times. And I make sure to stick to the schedule - I have a big ass clock that I can easily see as I work. 

It's a visual cue to remind me of what I need to be doing and what I need to do and how much time is left. I normally start preparing my dinner by 6PM, then I stop eating by 7PM. This also helps in my time-restricted intermittent fasting. By 9PM I am already starting my nightly skincare regimen (i.e. brushing teeth, washing face, RLT for 15mins, and tretinoin), and by 10PM I start my shut down routine (i.e. write in my planner what I need to do the next day, review the chapter that will be discussed for the upcoming class). By 11PM I crawl into bed, read a book, and by 12MN it's lights off. Unfortunately, I don't immediately fall asleep, which sucks, but then I try not to do anything and just lay there until I fall asleep around 1 or 2AM. 

    4. Marking important dates on both of my calendars: the hard copy on the fridge, and my Outlook calendar - planning is key. And visualising it on a physical calendar serves as a reminder for me not to procrastinate.

    5. Lastly, on my physical calendar, I cross out the date once I'm done with it - this serves as my 'achievement' board that I was able to go through that day and finished my tasks. On days I'm able to exercise, I cross it out with a green highlight, while the blue highlights mean rest days. 

I also put in here the days I need to do laundry or change my pillowcases and towels and clothes, which is every week. I also put in when I need to water my plants. All these VISUAL CUES serve as reminders for me to complete that task and stay on schedule.

These tips are a product of being in grad school since 2007 (yes, I started my master's in UP in this year). It took me 14 years to EXECUTE all this perfectly. Executing is different from just knowing/learning. I've learned these techniques early on, but knowing what techniques fit me and executing it is a whole different creature altogether. It's a trial-and-error thing wherein I made many mistakes. And through those mistakes, I was able to learn and grow.

It is my hope, that whoever is reading this for the purpose of gaining insight for your PhD journey, that you'd be able find the grad school habits that work for you, and that you'd be consistent in executing them.

Caveat: these tips I'm sharing are based on my experience LIVING ALONE. If you have children or live with your spouse, your schedule would need to accommodate family time, which in turn, may eat up some of  your study time. So, schedule accordingly and STICK WITH YOUR SCHEDULE!

All the best to you and your first semester of PhD!

Until then,

Today's thoughts: Fall 2023 begins next week

As the semester draws near, I am feeling anxious and agitated. I think these feelings are vestiges of trauma from the summer semester. Also, I think I'm starting to fear my advanced epidemiology and biostatistics subjects. Here I am again, venturing into the unknown, with all my insecurities and imposter complex as excess baggage that I can't get rid of.

I go back to the thought of not being an expert in this field. Nay, not even an intermediate in this field. My knowledge and experience only started in 2021. Two years later, as I enter my junior PhD year, I may have gained new knowledge but no wisdom. What am I doing here? How can I even survive in academia with such little wisdom in the field of public health/epidemiology? I know I have something to offer, but right now, I am not yet able to marry my expertise in DRRM and my new field, public health. 

As I delve deeper into public health, I take on the field of Alzheimer's Disease and Related Dementia, and the different socioeconomic and sociocultural risk factors that are associated with the disease. What formal training did I receive to venture into such field? None, really. Except perhaps my biochemistry undergraduate and my current units in PhD. My work experience and master's degrees do not have anything to do with this field of study.

Am I even interested in ADRD? Or is this something that I'm just forced to do because I need to graduate from my program? I remember having qualms about pursuing this field hence, I applied to UCanterbury. I got accepted, yes, but then the question shifted from, "what is it that I want?" to, "when would you want to obtain your degree?" If I go to Canterbury, it would take me three years to obtain my degree. Whereas if I stay at HSC, just two more years and I can graduate. Not only this, I remember weighing so many pros and cons with moving to NZ or staying in the US, getting my training in NZ or in the US, to the point where I just got exhausted from ruminating on the issue. In the end, I just lifted everything to God and laid down some conditions that would help me and Mico choose which path we should end up traversing.

And so the path that was set is to stay here in America, stay in HSC, have Mico come here to take his master's, and for me to finish my PhD. Our plans and options after we both obtain our degrees are not yet fully determined, and we would make our decisions once we bag our degrees. 

So for now, just keep cool, focus on the present, nail your assignments, write your manuscripts, and fucking soldier on. It's okay to be anxious and afraid. What's important is to overcome this and be victorious in the end. Finish strong, Edz!

Until then,

Today's thoughts

I have a lot of things to do but I feel stymied to do them. Here I am again, feeling frozen. Maybe I should read my previous blogs and assess what it is that's causing me to get stymied, then overcome them. Two big things I need to do: 1) SPA; and 2) my manuscript outline. Let's also add another one: 3) prepare for my OpEd workshop on Wednesday. 

Let's break down what I need to do for the SPA:

1. Edit the SPA to include the Texas clause in the document;

2. Print the document

3. Withdraw cash to pay for Notary Public;

4. Message the Notary Public to get the documents notarized;

5. Procure FedEx envelope for Apostille mailing to PH;

6. Fill up order form for the Apostille;

7. Pay Apostille order; and

8. Send Apostille to Austin via UPS.

For my manuscript outline:

1. Look at intro formats of other papers and incorporate this into the outline;

2. Fill in methods and results sections of the outline;

3. Look at discussion formats of other papers and incorporate this into the outline; and

4. Send outline to team using One Drive.

For my OpEd workshop:

1. Look at the preparation notes of the OpEd workshop; 

2. Execute preparation notes; and

3. Come prepared on 9-10 August.

It may seem that the OpEd workshop requires the least number of steps. But in terms of urgency (time-dependent), the manuscript outline is the most urgent one, followed by the SPA, then the OpEd workshop. I'll try to send out the manuscript outline today. It's not that big of a deal. Input from the other writers would still be collected so don't worry about having an incomplete outline.

Padayon!!! 

UPDATE, 2256H:

I've finally rolled out the manuscript outline, YAY!!! Now, I can focus on the SPA tomorrow. Woohoo thank you Lord!

UPDATE, 13 Aug, 2355H:

Ang galing lang. I was able to finish everything, all three main tasks, by 9 August, two days after I wrote this blog post. Lalong lalo na yang pakshette na SPA Apostille na yan. Sumakit batok ko kakaisp at kakastress sa pagpapadala ng mga documents. Ang mahal ha! Anyway, gawa ako ng post about this bukas. 

Sometimes, all I need is good stress to act on such things. However, we don't want this happening often. It's better not to procrastinate.

"When having it all means not having children" - Time Magazine, August 2013

This was the cover of Time Magazine in August 2013. Ten years after its publication, this resonates even more among couples. "When having it all means not having children" --- don't you agree? While having children brings with it a certain kind of joy, happiness, and fulfillment, it also brings a certain kind of hardship, frustration, and stress among parents. Honestly, I wouldn't know because I don't have children myself, yet. But there is some truth to the quote above.

So what's the purpose of this post then? I really don't know. Maybe this serves as a documentation in my life where my view on having children ten years ago still somewhat applies ten years later. I don't have anything against children nor having children. I was brought up in a household where children are loved and valued and nurtured. This experience should help me embrace the idea/decision of having children of my own, shouldn't it? But no. What is shaping my decision now are the environments that I have been exposed to. Is it really advantageous nowadays to have children, considering that society is becoming increasingly uber-competitive and that climate change is wreaking havoc across the globe? The children that we bear, should they be brought forth and raised in this kind of environment? 

Maybe instead of creating and birthing children, perhaps the better option is to adopt? This way, we need not add to the burgeoning population, but make do of what we have and improve on that. Though that doesn't make one child-free, but at least not adding another human being in this world lessens the impact to the environment. 

So perhaps the point here I'm making is not that I agree with 'having it all means not having children', but whether or not we should give birth to children and add to the population. 

The idea of having children is not one that I'm shunning however, I am not excited at the thought of it compared to when I was younger. I am at a point in my life wherein regardless if I would bear children or not, it doesn't matter. I give birth to babies, yay. I don't give birth to babies, yay. Either way, it's fine. But what is not fine is the pressure and the judgement that you would get from family members. Just because we decide to nurture a child who does not carry our genes makes the child unlovable and unwanted. That is so morally wrong, scientifically flawed, and highly illogical. 

Unfortunately, the society I grew up in would most likely think this way. And I would be judged as the woman who may be achieving high in her career but failed as a wife and as a potential mother. Despite carefully and meticulously building myself to become a respectable woman in the STEM field, just because I failed to become a mother, then I failed as a woman. That's fucking bullshit. But where I come from, this is true. 

Anyway, I didn't mean for this post to sound as if I'm ranting, just stating what's running in my head. Not sure how to end this, but I guess I just want to float the idea of adopting instead of giving birth. And that this should be COMPLETELY ACCEPTABLE and OKAY, and that no ill judgement should be made by family members. Take note, family members. Because others can say whatever the fuck they want, but I uphold family members (both immediate and in-laws) to a higher standard and they SHOULD RESPECT and ACCEPT whatever decision we make as husband and wife.

Getting the rhythm to exercise

It's not easy to bring your ass willingly to the gym and exercise, especially if you've been not exercising for months. The main reason why I'm able to go to the gym lately is because my classes have ended and I'm looking for productive things to do. I am hoping however, that the routine I'm able to build now, I can carry it over until end of the Fall 2023 semester. Though I remember the times within the semester where I'm just so damn tired, I don't want to go to the gym because I'll be even more tired. 

Anyway, I'm trying my best to maintain this rhythm. I think a way for me to do that is to DELIBERATELY NOT WORK OUT on certain days. Like I should not force myself to exercise more than four days a week. Just keep it at four, no more, no less. Before, I used to like go above and beyond what's expected. But I figured that just zaps my energy and motivation for the next set of exercise.  I need to learn how to put the appropriate intervals not just for exercising, but also for my assignments and projects. If I crossed out my list for the day, I should fucking STOP and not do anything more. What happens is that I put so many things to do on my list, hoping I'll get them all done at the same time. HELL NO. I'm slowly learning that I should only write the tasks I'm able to do for a number of hours for that day, and parse/spread the remaining tasks throughout the week. This way, I'm able to insert some rest times in between and not overwhelm myself trying to accomplish such a huge task in one sitting. 

Here's a photo I snapped after exercising in the gym. I did an unload routine today. Ugh. I'm dreading the next three weeks, hypertrophy is up next! Waaaah!