SEVERANCE

Today's Thoughts

Ang dami kong iniisip ngayon.

Research project. Career. Trabaho ko bukas nang pagkaaga-aga. Yung relasyon kong hanging by a thread. My future self. I need to quiet my mind.

But I just cannot stop thinking of these things as they are all intertwined. Yung research project ko can partially, though minutely, determine my future research career. Yung trabaho ko bukas can affect my research project and my future self kasi I need the money to pay an asset (or liability?) I bought sa 'pinas. Yung career and future self ko is somewhat dependent on my relationship, lalo na kung hindi kayo on the same plane ng partner mo. It's irritating. The relationship part irritates me the most. I feel chained. Suppressed. Unsupported. Being in a relationship for almost seven years is taking its toll. It's fucking TOO LONG to stay in this stage and I'm somewhat past the 'romantic age' of getting married in the late twenties. Right now in my early thirties, I'm gung-ho of building my career, my empire, asset acquisition, establishing a reputation. Ang hirap. Nakakasakal. Nakakairita.

Ewan ko where I'm going with this post. Naaantok na ko but I can't sleep yet because my hair is too wet. I've got a physically demanding work tomorrow, fuck it's exhausting, but I just need to keep working for money's sake. And for what? So I can pay off my dues. Tapos may research project pang kinakain ako sa likod ng utak ko.

Minsan yung gusto ko na lang maglaho nang parang bula. Pero kapag inisip ko naman, maganda naman katayuan ko ngayon sa buhay. Meron akong kumpletong pamilya. Masaya ako sa pamilya ko. Alam mo yung magunaw na ang lahat pero yung pamilya ko nandyan pa rin. Sila yung pinakasolid at CONSTANT sa buhay ko. Yung ANKLA ng pagkatao ko. Sobrang saya at swerte ko sa mga magulang ko. I couldn't have asked for better parents. I'm so blessed to have them. Both intelligent, got degrees from UP Diliman, student leaders and activists, may drive sa buhay, yung gustong may ma-achieve sa buhay at hindi yung tipong basta-basta lang. I'm so proud my parents are like that. One reason I try to excel in life is for them to be proud of me because I want them to realize that all the hard work and sacrifices they have made for me will not be for naught. I want them to be proud of me, yung masabi nila na, 'sulit yung sakripisyo at pagod ko para sa anak ko'. Yan yun eh. Yung achievements ko ma-feel nila na achievement din nila. I want to do that for them kasi feeling ko as parents, there's no greater achievement and satisfaction than to see your children succeed in life.

Yes, I want to do that for them.

Lakambini ni Ebe Dancel

Para kay K.S.L. 

Hindi lumipas ang isang araw nang hindi kita naisip simula January 2011. Napakahalaga para sa akin ng pagkakaibigan natin.

Lakambini

Ebe Dancel

Kung ito na ang huli kong liham, ayoko syang masayang sa isang paalam,

sa isang paalam Dahil ako ay mabubuhay sa 'yong mga alaala at sa puso mo, diwa ko'y titira 'di mo na ako kailangang hanapin pa pikit ka lang sinta, ako ay nar'yan na Sa buhay mang ito o sa kabilang mundo, hangga't may pag-asang dumadaloy sa akin at sa'yo hangga't pag-ibig ay panig sa atin, kumagat man ang dilim, 'wag mangamba dahil liwanag tayo ng isa't isa O lakambini ko, buhay ng buhay ko, s'an ka man patungo, dalhin mo ako O 'wag ka nang matakot mundo'y hayaan mong umikot darating din ang panahon ng hinahon at 'di mo na ako kailangang hanapin pa pikit ka lang sinta, ako ay nar'yan na sa buhay mang ito o sa kabilang mundo, hangga't may pag-asang dumadaloy sa akin at sa'yo hangga't pag-ibig ay panig sa atin, kumagat man ang dilim, 'wag mangamba dahil liwanag tayo ng isa't isa sa buhay mang ito o sa kabilang mundo, hangga't may pag-asang dumadaloy sa akin at sa'yo hangga't pag-ibig ay panig sa atin, kumagat man ang dilim, 'wag mangamba dahil liwanag tayo ng isa't isa Liwanag

(mula sa: https://www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/Ebe-Dancel/Lakambini)

My June-July 2017 Manila Visit

I immensely enjoyed my visit to the Philippines this June-July! I met up with my dearest friends, spent precious time and bantered with family, ate all the Filipino food I craved for, drank San Miguel Pale Pilsen (yes, this deserves a special mention), attended my UP graduation and the seventh birthday of my nephew, and hugged/held/kissed/cuddled with our pet cats, oh, and also Martin. I also was the 'model' for my friend who is taking up make-up artistry lessons but I'll save this for another post.

These photos should've been uploaded as an album into Facebook but I wanted it to have a more personal touch and tell a story. My visit in December 2016 was not as memorable as this one, perhaps because I did not meet up with a lot of friends. When I went home last Christmas I just wanted to spend my whole time with family and celebrate Christmas and New Year with them. But this time, it's different. I went to see my mentor and former officemates in PHIVOLCS, met up with my dear high school friends, met up with my beloved choir mates and childhood village friends, met up with my adult mentors - Tita Dina, Tito Jay, Tita Gemma, and Tito Mon - greeted and celebrated with many friends and relatives. All in all, it was a great visit, one that can propel me forward for the last hurrah this semester.

My first meal. Always. Jollibee.

The last time I came home, the first meal I ate coming from the airport was a Jollibee Chicken Joy and Spaghetti meal with rice. Ibang klase tong Jollibee talaga. Sarap na babalik-balikan, sarap na nakakamiss. Because there is no Jollibee here in Australia, for six months I had to just dream about eating this. It finally came to reality when I went home.

Dates with Martin.

Of course my visit will not be complete if I wouldn't go on dates with the person who makes my heart skip a beat for the past six years and seven months (shet ang cheesy). Thank you, Martin, for always being there for me; giving me unwavering support; spending precious time with me for two weeks despite your busyness running your own restaurant; taking in all my craziness and tantrums; unconditionally loving me despite my insecurities and imperfections. I love you with all my hypothalamus and amygdala.

HOHOL with friends.

I have exceeded my socialising meter this June-July much to my delight!!! Yey! I'm not anti-social after all. Maybe people will say that it's not in my vocabulary to be shy but sometimes my introvert personality comes out and I just keep to myself. This time however, partially because of Martin's goading and logistical improvement, I was able to meet up with a lot of friends! YEY!!! I'm so happy!!!

My choir family for 17 years!!! Some here are my childhood friends!!! Inez, Bettina, Anna, Mito, Mabel, Alex, Ate InG, Kiko. I'd take a bullet for these people <3 p="">

Mito, my love, my childhood friend, my running buddy, execom wacky side team leader, promotor ng lahat ng kamunduhan, haha! 

More HOHOL pics with my wonderful and dearest friend, Bian and her husband, Ricky; the architect Christian Aquino (yeah!); and my former Petunia Street neighbors, Tita Carol and Ate Lara (the big sister I never had). :)

And even MORE HOHOL pics with the gang! My grade school and high school barkada, Clang and Gail - I love you both so much - with their husbands, Deo and PJ; Of course, my handsome godchild, Uno and his guapito little brother, Alonzo; the South Pub HOHOL peeps: Ate Tin, Isa, Mito, Angelica, Bettina, Tito Mon, Tita Gemma, and Tito Jay; and of course, one of our mentor couples, Tito Jay and Tita Dina! :)

My nephew's 7th birthday.

So Angelo celebrated last 07-07-2017 his 7th birthday at Kidzoona Ayala South Park, yey! The food was great of course, it was prepared by Martin's Braiser Catering. The venue was perfect for the children and for ME, haha! I knocked myself out in the ball pit, in the inflatable slides and runways, those big balls wherein you can roll inside. I had so much fun playing even if I was in a dress!

Angelo was on the verge of crying in the second photo, top row, because he was too tired from smiling and taking photo with the guests, hahaha. At the end of the shoot he really cried!

Laurice, Angelo's mom and my sister-in-law, together with her super friends decorated the reception area. It's so detailed it even has a candy bar and a table of prizes! She even had a poster and sintra board made for Angelo.

Of course, lolo and lola were very happy and proud of Angelo and wished him many blessings that day, I just have forgotten what they were, haha.

Cat time.

I missed cuddling caaaaats!!! Pets are not allowed here in the dorm and strays are rare in Canberra so I haven't had ANY chance of petting a cat unless PARSA, the student council here, hires a petting zoo during exams week.

I think 50% of Martin's photos in his phone are our cats! At first, Martin wasn't into cats but I guess I influenced him too much that he's now adopting kittens off the street, haha. These fur balls are hilarious to watch and are such stress-busters. We'll just lie on the bed and watch these critters do their thang inside Martin's room, haha. Look at those black kittens devour the milk from their mother! Guess how many kittens are there. They're too dark it's hard to tell. 

San Miguel Pale Pilsen. Walang katulad.

Enough said.

Visit to PHIVOLCS.

Back in December I was supposed to meet with my mentor, Dr. Solidum. But December really prevents almost everyone from commuting in a peaceful manner. And as I've said, I just wanted to spend time with my family then. Fortunately, I have gathered enough courage (yes, courage) to meet up with RUS to discuss my mini-thesis here at ANU and also show my face to my former officemates, despite the measly pasalubong I gave them, haha! Pramis next time bongga na talaga!

So proud of my mentor, Dr. Renato U. Solidum, Jr., and so honoured to by his mentee.  

Biboy, Rey, Lem, Pau, Eunice!!! Community Team, yey!!!

UP Graduation. Finally.

I waited for a decade for this. I may have fallen short of the expectations, but nonetheless I still earned a postgraduate diploma in environmental science. The journey was long and arduous. Despite that, here I am.

Talagang ANG LAKI ng mga litrato eh 'no, hahaha! Apparently, nakuhanan pala ako ni Papa gamit yung camera ko nung umakyat ako ng stage, haha! Nako teka, mahabang kwento 'to.

So ang assembly time para sa CS Recognition Rites noong ika-24 ng Hunyo, Sabado, is around 12:30pm ata, tapos syempre medyo na-late kami ng alis sa condo. Parang an hour before kami umalis. Eh syempre galing pa kaming Parañaque EDI WOW na lang ang biyahe namin papuntang Quezon City. Dahil hindi na ako ganun kagaling tumancha ng traffic, dahil medyo anim na buwan ako nawala, edi medyo petiks petiks lang ako at medyo confident na late magsstart ang graduation. EDI WOW NA LANG KASI NA-LATE KAMI NG ISANG ORAS SA CEREMONY.

Eto yung feeling na may halong hiya at tuwa na, 'sa wakas, grumaduate ka na'. Hahaha.

Anyway, syempre bilang isang estudyanteng laging late, sinigurado kong isaisip yung program ng recognition rites. Nakalgay dun na kapag late at hindi nakasali sa assembly, hindi na makaka-register dun sa Head Marshall at HINDI na matatawag sa stage. Kumbaga kapag late ka, eh sorry na lang, umupo ka na lang at kunin yung medal, pin, at certificate mo pagkatapos ng ceremony. EDI WOW umupo na lang ako dun at yung parents ko pinaupo ko na lang together with the other parents at the back.

Aba, lo and behold...

Nung tinatawag na yung mga graduates for diploma in environmental science, punyeta tinawag pangalan ko! HWOW! Ako naman 'tong engerts, tumayo ako sa upuan ko at tumakbo mula sa kina-uupuan at umakyat ng stage! And to think lahat ng mga graduates nakapila, TOGETHER with their parents, dun sa gilid ng stage kasi nga aakyat! So ang layo ng tinakbo ko at mag-isa lang ako umakyat. Heto ang proof:

Medyo hindi pala ako naka-feet together dito, hahaha.

Medyo nalungkot ako kasi sayang, sana nakaakyat ang magulang ko. I'm sure they would have been happy and proud to go up there and see their youngest and only daughter receive a degree from their beloved Alma Mater. Pero nagpicture-picture na lang kami nila Ma and Pa sa labas ng theatre. Nakakatawa nga rin kasi isa ako, or ako na, ang pinaka-late na dumating, tapos kami pa ata yung pinakamaagang umalis. Hindi na namin tinapos yung ceremony kasi si Papa hindi na kayang magdrive kapag gabi na dahil sa eye condition niya. So heto kami ni Ma sa mga sunflowers at kay Oble:

Buti na lang at game ang nanay kong mag-posing ng ganito, hahaha. 

I love you Ma. I love you Pa. Para sa inyo ito. :)

So that summarises my awesome vacation! It was such a blast! I feel so blessed and loved by the Lord because of the love and care my family and friends have given me. I am indeed fortunate to live the life that I have and I will do my best to pay it forward. :) <3 p="">

Today's thoughts

Today I received all my grades. It is not the official statement of results released by ANU after every semester but the grade average I computed is what will reflect on that document.

I feel so relieved. So this is how it feels like to have no grade below distinction (70%). My first semester in ANU was not a good one. I received grades of P. P for POTA PASS lang ako. Haha! That cost-benefit analysis subject was a killer for me who do not know anything about economics, shadow pricing, economic and financial valuation, and the like. It was a struggle. I learned the hard way. I had FIVE friggin' subjects for my first semester. Four subjects for the regular semester and one subject for spring. Five subjects. FIVE. WTF. Ayan tuloy my papers were always late and I had to pay the price of being deducted 5% for every day late. It was difficult. But I would just tell myself to FINISH STRONG. No need to waste time and energy wallowing on the past. I should learn from it and make sure not to commit the same mistakes again.

That's what I tried to do this semester. It is a difficult one as we are vying for the research track. Research is difficult and challenging. I love challenges! It makes me grow. It is emotionally and mentally difficult. But what does not kill me make me stronger. Putting myself in the same predicament, just like what happened in my masters in UP, lets me experience again those sleepless nights, self-doubt, hormonal imbalances, relationship problems, etc. But that's what gives meaning to my life. I love that because it makes me tougher. I learn so much and I love learning. I love to learn because it equips me with the right tools to help others, especially the marginalized members of society.

Today's thoughts

CURRENT MOOD (lyrics from here)

"Unti-Unti" (Up Dharma Down)

Unti-unting naglalapit

Ang ating mga mundo

Pag-asa ay ating bitbit

Maligaya’t walang takot

Ang saya at pagsinta’y

Tila walang kapantay

Inaabangan ang bawat pagtagpo

Walang mintis ang tuwa

Sating dalawa

Hinamak ang lahat

Unti unting nawawala

Ang iyong mga salita

Dahan dahang naglalaho

Ang lahat ng pangako

Napapansing lumalayo

Ang 'iyong tingin

Di na alam ang dapat kong gawin

Tuluyan ka na bang mawawala sa 'kin

Ang tamis at aruga

Na laganap sa simula

Ngayo'y nabaon na

Sa puso't isip na mapait

'Di na maibabalik

Sa unang araw.

Ang pait at ang sakit

Na dati'y wala naman

Ngayon ay hindi na mailagan

Ang tanong na walang sagot

Luha ang nadudulot

Sa ating mga mata

Hahanap-hanapin

Ang mga bulong sa gabi

Ulit-ulitin

Ang bawat kwento at sikreto natin

Hanggang wala na

Ang luha sa puso ko

Hanggang sa muli

Tayo rin ang magtatagpo

Another media exposure

But this one is different...

It's in CHINESE!!! Hahaha! I wish I can understand it!!!

Shen Yun Feature

On being 31

Ito na ang huling taon kong nasa kalendaryo pa ang edad ko.

Ano pakiramdam ko? Wala. Hahaha. Sabi nga nila, age is just a number. Sa isang banda totoo ito pero meron ding kabilang bahagi na mararamdaman mong  tumatanda ka na nga talaga. Nailathala ko sa blog na ito yung mga naramdaman kong pagbabago sa sarili ko bawat taon. Napansin kong nagbabago nga talaga ang mga priorities sa buhay. Nagbabago rin ang ugali, ang pananaw sa buhay, ang pamamaraan kung paano ka magiging masaya sa buhay. At higit sa lahat, nagbabago ang TIMBANG ng katawan mo at SIZE ng damit mo. Leche. 

Moving on, anu-ano nga ba ang nagbago?

1. Mahilig ako bumiyahe dati. Ngayon, parang, ano meron kapag nagbiyahe?

Tumatanda na nga ata ako. Sino nga ba hindi gusto mag-travel? It's so nice to explore the different continents and its countries. Pero, what for? Yes, new knowledge, new experience, new everything. But for what? Bragging rights? For self-accomplishment? Puro self self self. Focused lahat sa sarili. Hindi ko alam bakit ganito nafifeel ko. I haven't been to many countries but what's the point in traveling to these places when you're just there for how many days? Iba yung doon ka talaga tumira. Iba yung experience mo kapag matagal kang nasa isang lugar. Siguro kaya ko rin nasasabi ito kasi ang ganda ng Pilipinas. SOBRA. At marami na akong napuntahan sa 'pinas. Yung mga gusto ko nandito. Yung gusto kong mga natural wonders like mountains, caves, beaches, plains, ridges, canyons, coves, lahat nasa 'pinas eh. Yes, yung mga man-made architecture wala like the Eiffel Tower, Sydney Opera House, Statue of Liberty, Tapei 101, Burj Al-arab, Guggenheim, Wiener Staatsoper, etc.. Lahat 'yan wala sa 'pinas. Pero yung mga natural, marami sa Pilipinas. Ang ganda talaga. But don't get me wrong. Opinyon ko lang ito and I am VERY HAPPY for people who go traveling around the world, nakakatuwa. It's just that sa sarili kong pananaw, more than sightseeing, mas gusto ko yung kasama mo yung mga minamahal mo like family and very close friends. Kaya masayang-masaya yung Morocco trip ko is because I'm with my closest friends. Recently, nag-outing pamilya namin dyan lang sa Batangas. But it was so memorable and fun. Batangas lang 'yun ah, nothing special. But being with family is the best.

2. Ayoko na masyadong maglalalabas.

Gusto ko na lang yung may sarili akong mundo, may sariling ginagawa, may mga personal agenda  na tinatapos. Oo, nandito ako ngayon sa Australia and ang daming pwedeng puntahan. Pero inaatake ako ng katams. Hahaha. For example, kamakailan lang pumunta kami dun sa Enlighten eme eme. Ano napala ko? Napagod lang ako. Ano nakita ko? Well, maganda naman pero, once you've seen one, you've seen them all. Mas masaya pa ako sa Lantern Parade ng UP. Shet bakit ko ba nasasabi ito, feeling ko ang tanda tanda ko  na at ang KJ ko! Again, sariling pananaw ko ito sa buhay ko and not anybody else's.

3. I can't stand bullshit and drama altogether. And I can't stop being vocal about it.

May mga taong sadyang madrama. Meron din dala-dala puro ka-bullshitan. Parehong hindi ko ma-take. At hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko sa pagsupalpal sa mga ganitong klaseng tao. Ayan. Tumatanda na nga talaga! Ang negatron dito is ine-alienate ko sarili ko sa mga ganitong tao. Pero ang katwiran ko naman I have other friends. But still, hindi magandang ugali ito. Crass. Siguro iisipin ko na lang, 'keep calm and carry on'.

4. Naghahanap na ako ng sarili kong mundo kung saan ako lang at ang future family ko (kung magkakaroon man) ang superdupermegaOA sa solid

Hindi ko alam pero biological ba ito??? Physiological??? Yung pakiramdam na may hinahanap na akong iba. Hinahanap ko na ang magkapamilya. Parang yun ang susunod na dapat mangyari sa buhay ko kasi pakiramdam ko, kahit na magpursigi ako sa career, kahit magkaroon ng sense of fulfilment, kulang ng meaning. Kulang ng saysay ang buhay. Bakit ganito nararamdaman ko??? Dati rati, career career career. Career ang gusto ko. Ayaw kong magkapamilya. Me, myself, and I ang peg. Me, myself, and my career. Totoo, may fulfilment sa career. Pero nakukulangan ako. Baka naman yung career ko naman kasi walang meaning. Hahahaha! Or baka natatakot ako kasi matanda na parents ko. When the time comes, wala na akong paghuhugutan ng lakas at ng inspirasyon. At ayokong mangyari yun. Yung wala kang takbuhan. 

Kung career ang pipiliin mo, sino tatakbuhan mo? Mga journals? Mga kapwa guro mo na may kaniya-kaniyang pamilya? Mga kaibigan mo na single din? Kaya nga kayo single kasi pare-pareho kayo ng utak. Same shit, different day lang ang maririnig niyo sa isa't-isa. Ang hinahanap ko yung magcocontradict sakin. Yung magbibigay linaw sa lahat ng kalabuan sa utak ko. Sieympre nandyan si Lord, ang forever takbuhan. Pero mahirap din minsan yung gusto mong umiyak, pero walang yayakap sayo. Ikaw ang may kayakap. Kayakap mo ang unan mo o alaga mong pusa, na kapag pumiglas makakalmot ka pa. 

O baka naman nararamdaman ko ito kasi malayo ako sa pamilya ko at may dinaramdam lang ako ngayon. Ay ewan.

5. Dati, masaya ako sa spontaneity. Ngayon, leche anong spontaneity yan, the best magkaroon ng plano!

Bakeeeeeet??? Gusto ko ngayon mas maayos ang buhay ko. Yung may order. May routine na sinusunod. May road map. May direksyon. Ayoko na nung magtatravel ka tapos walang itinerary! Juice ko ang inefficient lang ha! Although guilityng guilty talaga ako dyan. Dati yan, ganyan ako. Walang itinerary. Pagpunta sa isang lugar, come what may. Eh ngayon, EKIS! Dapat may itinerary para maayos tayo at para ma-maximise ang mga bagay-bagay!

Parang ang dami kong angst 'no? Part ba ito ng pag-tanda? Char! Hahaha. Bakit ganitoooooo. Nagtatagka talaga ako sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko lately. Hindi ko maintindihan kung dapat bang tanggapin ko na lang o labanan ko. Labanan kasi may mga bagay na mas maganda dati kumpara ngayon. Katulad ng isyu #3 ko. Mali yan eh. Diba nga, wa-class, bordering on taklesa/palengkera. Pero minsan kasi gusto mo lang talaga ilagay sa lugar yung tao. Aaaargh! O kaya yung issue #5. Oo, maganda naman may order pero sana may spontaneity rin. Nangyayari kasi sakin ngayon kapang walang plano, burubot na ako eh. Pakiramdam ko nasayang yung buong  araw kasi walang plano. 

Sa kabilang banda maganda rin naman tanggapin ang mga bagay-bagay kasi it's all part of growing up. Kaya ko rin nirerecord itong mga peelings, este, feelings ko kasi balang araw magbabago ito. Hindi na ako yung Patricia tulad ng dati. Ang gusto ko malaman, kung sobrang laki ba ng deviation ko sa luma at kasalukuyang Patricia? At kung may pagbabago man, nakasama o nakabuti ba ito sa kinatatayuan ko ngayon?

Hay buhay! Makahanap na nga ng magbibigay meaning sa buhay ko.

Today's thoughts

I lay awake in bed going over today's activities, moments, and memories. I just watched the movie, Hidden Figures. Such an amazing and inspiring film. It reminded me of the exhilaration and desire I felt when I watched October Sky when I was still in high school (circa 1999). How I wanted to be an astronaut. How I wanted to be one of those people working on spacecrafts and designing rocket ships.  I guess I strayed tremendously far from this dream but my desire for science has never and will never wane.

Anyway, I was already in bed when I suddenly felt the urge to write this entry.  I was reflecting and the question that came to me was, "am I becoming a bad person?". Well, 'bad' has many interpretations but to extend further my query, I am asking if I have become judgmental and critical of others too much? Yes, too much. Now that I'm 31, there are certain human attitudes and behaviour I cannot anymore tolerate. I cannot tolerate loquacious people; self-centered individuals talking too much about themselves; implicit and explicit show-offs; know-it-alls, and the like. I cannot. Most of the time, I prefer to be in the company of my family, Martin, with two to three friends at a time. Anything larger than a group of seven people perhaps would tire me.

I wonder why. When I was younger, because having many friends and relationships mattered in building self-image, I go to most, if not all, events that I can go to, talk to all kinds of people: dubious, self-serving, conceited, judgmental, and the like. Now, I prefer to have a few, extraordinary friends, to whom I can build sincere and altruistic relationships with; void of excessive noise, arrogance, and hubris. Friends whom I can just be myself with, relax with, and have no stress or fuss in getting along with each other.

However, do not get wrong. This feeling only applies in social/friendship circles and not professionally. When the occasion calls for socialising, say in a conference or a networking activity where you need to get aggressive and assertive in introducing yourself to potential people furthering your career, that is a completely different ball game.

Am I getting old that is why I am feeling this? Or am I just turning into a 'bad' person? Or I am thinking maybe my life needs something to divert my attention like having a family perhaps? Are these upwelling of emotions a biological signal of focusing my efforts somewhere else? Somewhere where it requires more fulfillment?

Maybe I should be kinder and accommodating? But it takes a colossal amount of effort for me! I do not know why! Perhaps because I already have a solid family where I get most of my strength and emotional support, a loving and patient partner from whom I get attention and love, a number of great and true friends from whom I get affirmation and sincerity. I am contented. I have enough.

But is having enough making you exclude other people who want to establish friendship with you? And if you do not entertain them you are seen as cold, indifferent, 'bad'?

My Australia Awards Scholarship Video Feature :)

I was fortunate to be chosen by AAS Philippines to be featured in one of their promotional videos. :)

So humbled by this :)

Thank you, Lord!

30

UNFINISHED POST.

Wow. I'm 30.

I remember in my early 20s, my friends and I were talking about earning our first million before 30. We didn't make it as a target but we were suggesting challenges among ourselves. I do not know if my friends have achieved that; I know I did not.

But now I'm 30, I would like to think I've gained wisdom and realised that it doesn't matter if you have a million or two. What matters is how you carry yourself, how you deal and interact with others, and how were you able to contribute in the greater scheme of things. Or maybe I'm saying this to justify my lack of funds right now, haha! The brain does love to rationalise itself.

In some ways I've changed. Here is a list of some changes I've noticed:

27, 28, 29:

- Overly gregarious that can misconstrued as rambunctious
- Reactive
- Can be arrogant on first meeting and tries to impress others
- Sleeps late
- Neglects health and fitness (read: YOLO)
- Tries to fit in and please everyone
- Is nice to everybody

Today's thoughts

Today, I feel sad because of my impending departure for Japan. I have spent more than a month already here in Manila but the thought of leaving my family and loved ones once again and pursuing the less traveled road (relative to the road traveled by majority of the world’s population) of studying abroad makes me feel despondent. I can sometimes feel the loneliness of the journey (but I think the road to PhD is lonelier); the feeling of traversing through a darkened path and when you call out to ask for help no one responds. Loss of courage and confidence becomes frequent and I feel despair. This leads to shifts in attitude and behaviour that can jeopardize my study habits, which in turn jeopardizes my performance in assessments and lead to poor grades.