Ang dami kong iniisip ngayon.
Research project. Career. Trabaho ko bukas nang pagkaaga-aga. Yung relasyon kong hanging by a thread. My future self. I need to quiet my mind.
But I just cannot stop thinking of these things as they are all intertwined. Yung research project ko can partially, though minutely, determine my future research career. Yung trabaho ko bukas can affect my research project and my future self kasi I need the money to pay an asset (or liability?) I bought sa 'pinas. Yung career and future self ko is somewhat dependent on my relationship, lalo na kung hindi kayo on the same plane ng partner mo. It's irritating. The relationship part irritates me the most. I feel chained. Suppressed. Unsupported. Being in a relationship for almost seven years is taking its toll. It's fucking TOO LONG to stay in this stage and I'm somewhat past the 'romantic age' of getting married in the late twenties. Right now in my early thirties, I'm gung-ho of building my career, my empire, asset acquisition, establishing a reputation. Ang hirap. Nakakasakal. Nakakairita.
Ewan ko where I'm going with this post. Naaantok na ko but I can't sleep yet because my hair is too wet. I've got a physically demanding work tomorrow, fuck it's exhausting, but I just need to keep working for money's sake. And for what? So I can pay off my dues. Tapos may research project pang kinakain ako sa likod ng utak ko.
Minsan yung gusto ko na lang maglaho nang parang bula. Pero kapag inisip ko naman, maganda naman katayuan ko ngayon sa buhay. Meron akong kumpletong pamilya. Masaya ako sa pamilya ko. Alam mo yung magunaw na ang lahat pero yung pamilya ko nandyan pa rin. Sila yung pinakasolid at CONSTANT sa buhay ko. Yung ANKLA ng pagkatao ko. Sobrang saya at swerte ko sa mga magulang ko. I couldn't have asked for better parents. I'm so blessed to have them. Both intelligent, got degrees from UP Diliman, student leaders and activists, may drive sa buhay, yung gustong may ma-achieve sa buhay at hindi yung tipong basta-basta lang. I'm so proud my parents are like that. One reason I try to excel in life is for them to be proud of me because I want them to realize that all the hard work and sacrifices they have made for me will not be for naught. I want them to be proud of me, yung masabi nila na, 'sulit yung sakripisyo at pagod ko para sa anak ko'. Yan yun eh. Yung achievements ko ma-feel nila na achievement din nila. I want to do that for them kasi feeling ko as parents, there's no greater achievement and satisfaction than to see your children succeed in life.
Yes, I want to do that for them.
No comments:
Post a Comment