Anyway, I was already in bed when I suddenly felt the urge to write this entry. I was reflecting and the question that came to me was, "am I becoming a bad person?". Well, 'bad' has many interpretations but to extend further my query, I am asking if I have become judgmental and critical of others too much? Yes, too much. Now that I'm 31, there are certain human attitudes and behaviour I cannot anymore tolerate. I cannot tolerate loquacious people; self-centered individuals talking too much about themselves; implicit and explicit show-offs; know-it-alls, and the like. I cannot. Most of the time, I prefer to be in the company of my family, Martin, with two to three friends at a time. Anything larger than a group of seven people perhaps would tire me.
I wonder why. When I was younger, because having many friends and relationships mattered in building self-image, I go to most, if not all, events that I can go to, talk to all kinds of people: dubious, self-serving, conceited, judgmental, and the like. Now, I prefer to have a few, extraordinary friends, to whom I can build sincere and altruistic relationships with; void of excessive noise, arrogance, and hubris. Friends whom I can just be myself with, relax with, and have no stress or fuss in getting along with each other.
However, do not get wrong. This feeling only applies in social/friendship circles and not professionally. When the occasion calls for socialising, say in a conference or a networking activity where you need to get aggressive and assertive in introducing yourself to potential people furthering your career, that is a completely different ball game.
Am I getting old that is why I am feeling this? Or am I just turning into a 'bad' person? Or I am thinking maybe my life needs something to divert my attention like having a family perhaps? Are these upwelling of emotions a biological signal of focusing my efforts somewhere else? Somewhere where it requires more fulfillment?
Maybe I should be kinder and accommodating? But it takes a colossal amount of effort for me! I do not know why! Perhaps because I already have a solid family where I get most of my strength and emotional support, a loving and patient partner from whom I get attention and love, a number of great and true friends from whom I get affirmation and sincerity. I am contented. I have enough.
But is having enough making you exclude other people who want to establish friendship with you? And if you do not entertain them you are seen as cold, indifferent, 'bad'?
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