Today's Thoughts

My health condition's fluctuating today. There are times I feel okay, then I feel sluggish, then I feel alive, then I feel weak... Hay. Hirap nang may lagnat/sipon/ubo/sinat. Ewan ko ba. Immune system is down.

I've been playing this song of John Mayer since yesterday and it's so fitting for what I'm going through right now.

Hearbreak Warfare

John Mayer

Lightning strike
Inside, my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain

[Chorus]
Clouds of sulphur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love,
Why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
Why don't you say so?

Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain, pain, pain

[Chorus]

Just say so

How come the only way to know how high you get me
Is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
But I can't break through at all.

It's a heart, heartbreak

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and Ambien
You're talking shit again, it's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak, heartbreak

It's heartbreak warfare
It's heartbreak warfare
It's heartbreak warfare

Read more: John Mayer - Heartbreak Warfare Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Today's Thoughts

Late ako pumasok ngayon kasi masama pakiramdam ko pagkagising ko. Masakit lalamunan ko at medyo kumikirot katawan ko. Hanggang ngayong 7pm, masakit pa rin lalamunan ko at palagay ko lumalala na kundisyon ko. Baka bukas lagnatin na ako nang tuluyan, Pupurgahin ko na lang sarili ko ng Berocca.

Kanina, tumawag sa akin ang butihin kong kaibigan at mayroon siyang ibinalita sa akin na maganda at nakakakilig na balita. Syempre secret kung ano ito. At pagkatapos nagkaroon din kami ng diskusyunan tungkol sa current relationship ko ngayon. Ayun. Nakakapanghina pag-usapan. Hindi ko na alam ano gagawin e. Nagugulumihanan na ako sa mga nangyayari at sa mga pangyayari. Ayaw ko sanang sulatin ito sa blog dahil napaka-bukas nitong blog ko sa publiko. Well, hindi ko rin naman alam kung may nagbabasa ba talaga nitong mga entry ko. Pero gusto ko lang maglabas ng saloobin; ng mga nararamdaman.

Hindi ko alam kung dala na rin ito ng pagod o dahil magkakasakit ako kaya hindi masyado gumagana utak ko. Pero wala akong nararamdaman na pagkamuhi o pagkalungkot sa mga nangyayari. Kalituhan at kahinaan meron. Pero lungkot o galit, wala. Parang normal na araw lang ito. Normal na walang nangyayaring espesyal, walang nagtetext na espesyal, walang naiisip na espesyal. Wala lang. Trabaho lang. Day-to-day activities ang peg. Parang walang pinagkaiba sa dati.

Ang weird. Mali ba itong nararamdaman ko? Ano ba dapat gawin ko? Sa ngayon ito na lang muna kakantahin ko:

Half of My Heart
John Mayer

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

[Chorus]
Oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
Oh, with half of my heart

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself
Lonely was the song I sang, 'till the day you came
Showing me a another way and all that my love can bring

[Chorus]

Your faith is strong
But I can only fall short for so long
Down the road, later on
You will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart
But I can't stop loving you
(I can't stop loving you)
I can't stop loving you
(I can't stop loving you)
I can't stop loving you with half of my

Half of my heart
Oh, half of my heart

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination
Half of my heart's got you
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That half of my heart won't do

Half of my heart is a shotgun wedding
To a bride with a paper ring
And half of my heart is the part of a man
Who's never truly loved anything

Half of my heart
Oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart
Oh, half of my heart
Half of my heart
Oh, half of my heart

From: MetroLyrics 

Minsan lang akong mag-rant pero ilalagay ko na rin dito sa blog ko

Kapag nagsusulat ako sa blog, bihira lang ako mag-rant. Baka nga first time ko ito mag-rant sa blog e. Syempre gusto ko positive vibes lang all the way. Plus, maaari ka kasing ma-misjudge ng mga tao. Iisipin nila ang negatron mo, tapos sasabihin nila judgemental ka. Ayos. Pero dahil hindi  ko mapigilan ang silakbo ng damdamin ko, magrarant na lang din ako. At gusto ko documented siya. Para maramdaman ko that to get angry is part of being human, part of feeling.

Napagtanto ko na yung ibang ka-close kong kaibigan can be SO RIGHTEOUS about themselves. Sila na ang perpekto. Sila na ang tama. Sila na ang mangdidikta ng buhay mo at kung paano ka gagalaw sa lipunan. Ngayon lang ako nakaramdam ng ganitong inis sa kanya. So fucking righteous. Kala mo walang maling ginagawa sa buhay. Kung makasita ng mga tao, IKAW NA! You may have achieved a lot pero pwede ba, if you can't say something nice just keep your judgemental opinions to yourself! You feel like you're doing this country a huge privilege by devoting your time to society! To a certain extent yes, I'll give you that. Pero pota, just because feeling mo ang galing galing mo, you devote your whole self to being the best in serving others, THAT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE FUCKING RIGHT TO JUDGE OTHERS. And I'm not saying this because you misjudged me. I'm not ranting kasi kung mapagsabihan mo ako wagas. I can take your criticisms. You can lambaste me all you want and I'll take all of them. And I would take it all constructively because I can understand your points. 

Pero yung i-judge mo ibang tao na walang ginagawang masama sa'yo, TIGIL-TIGILAN mo yang kayabangan mo! Kung makapag-husga ka, kala mo ikaw na ang infallible! I extremely hate that about you.  You'll see me nodding and agreeing to your comments most of the time but deep inside, when you start talking about the flaws of other people and how you are disgusted by them, I cringe at how low you've become. Dong, hindi umiikot ang mundo sa'yo. At hindi parati ikaw ang bida. 

My father would always ALWAYS discourage me from talking about other people. And now I can completely see his point. Siguro I have to thank you for that for making me see clearly my father's point. Ang panget nga talaga pag-usapan ang ibang tao, at lalong-lalo na yung jinujudge mo sila. Alam mo, magtataka ka why some of your close friends turned their backs against you. It's probably because of your uncouth ways of degrading and judging others. Nakakarindi. Nakakapuno. Nakakairita. You're not perfect. And though you're trying to be, your being judgemental will not make you one.

Kung Ibig Mo Akong Makilala ni Ruth Elynia S. Mabanglo

Nagkukwentuhan kaming magkakaibigan tunkgol sa pagpapakilanlan sa sarili nang mabanggit ng isang kaibigan ko ang katagang, "hubad ako roon, mula ulo hanggang paa". Tinanong ko kung naisip niya ba iyon o nahango niya sa isang maikling kwento o tula. Nakuha niya raw ito sa tula ni Ruth Mabanglo: Kung Ibig Mo Akong Makilala. Aming hinanap ito kay Google at nais kong isulat at ibahagi ito sa aking blog. 

Nakakamiss din ang panahon noong kolehiyo pa ako, sama-sama kami ng mga kaibigan kong artistic-minded na uupo sa amphitheatre ng unibersidad, nakatingin sa madilim na langit habang nakahiga sa mainit-init na semento at tiles, kung saan sumasayaw ang anino ng mga puno dahil sa mahina at malamig na hangin ng takipsilim.

Magbabasa kami ng mga tula o maikling kwento nila Danton Remoto, Vicente Groyon, Anna Luz Jacinto, Cristina Pantoja-Hidalgo, at iba pang mga manunulat ng Philippine Literature. Ramdam ko ang tuwa at sayang nababalot sa pagiging bata noon. Panahong lumipas ngunit sariwa sa aking ala-ala...

Kung ibig mo akong makilala

ni Ruth Elynia S. Mabanglo

Kung ibig mo akong makilala,

lampasan mo ang guhit ng mahugis na balat,

ang titig kong dagat–

yumayapos nang mahigpit sa bawat saglit

ng kahapon ko’t bukas.

Kung ibig mo akong makilala
sunduin mo ako sa himlayang dilim
at sa madlang pagsukol ng inunang hilahil,
ibangon ako at saka palayain.

Isang pag-ibig na lipos ng lingap,
tahanang malaya sa pangamba at sumbat
may suhay ng tuwa’t ang kaluwalhati’y
walang takda–ialay mo lahat ito sa akin
kung mahal mo ako’t ibig kilalanin.

Kung ibig mo akong kilalanin,
sisirin mo ako hanggang buto,
liparin mo ako hanggang utak,
umilanlang ka hanggang kaluluwa–
hubad ako roon: mula ulo hanggang paa.

Thank you Lord for this blessing :)

I have hurdled the third stage of my four-stage journey in applying for a scholarship abroad. I am so blessed for I have received word today that I made it through the initial screening of my scholarship application. This came in the email today:

Ms. Edna Patricia Mendoza

edz.mendoza@gmail.com

Dear Ms. Mendoza,

In view of your application to the Axxxxxx Axxxxxx Scholarships  for the June 2016 Intake, it is with great pleasure that I write to confirm that you have been shortlisted and will move on to the next selection process which is the Panel Interview . Axxxxxx Axxxxxx Scholarships in the Philippines is managed by the ............. We received a large number of applications for the Open Category and the selection process was highly competitive.

Again, congratulations and we look forward to seeing you.

I was BLOWN AWAY when I read this email. I'm still reeling from the ecstasy I felt. Grabe Lord THANK YOU PO!!!! :) This is a BIG DEAL for me because I know that I didn't have stellar grades in college. I didn't graduate with Latin honours but I know in my heart that I want to serve the people and the country. Moreover, I applied under the Open Category which is a MORE DIFFICULT category to apply in since it has a more cut-throat competition amongst applicants.  Lord I pray that I pass the Panel Interview! Let's do this! Yehey!!!