Para sa aking Ex

Minahal kita nang lubos
Minahal kita nang todo, Martin
Binahagi ko sarili ko sa iyo, mga pangarap ko
Mga agam-agam, mga pag-aalinalangan
Binahagi ko puso ko

Habambuhay ka nang nakaukit
Sa puso't isipan ko
Iisipin na lang ang mga magaganda, masasayang ala-ala
Naging bahagi ka ng buhay ko
Pitong taon at apat na buwan

Ngunit kailangang tanggapin
Ang katotohanang hindi na tayo
Hindi na magiging tayo kailanman
Dahil nakahanap na ako ng iba
At mahal na mahal ko na siya

Magpapaalam na ako
Isasara ko na ang pinto ko sa iyo
Isa na lang tayong ala-ala
At tatandaan na dati kitang minahal
Na higit pa sa buhay ko

Current song mood

Feeling like this towards someone. I really enjoy our sharing of stories together. :)

Diary

Alicia Keys

Lay your head on my pillow
Here you can be yourself
No one has to know what you are feeling
No one but me and you

I won't tell your secrets
Your secrets are safe with me
I will keep your secrets
Just think of me as the pages in your diary

I feel such a connection
Even when you're far away, mm
Oh baby, if there is anything that you fear (anything)
Call 489-4608 and I'll be here

I won't tell your secrets
Your secrets are safe with me
I will keep your secrets
Just think of me as the pages in your diary
(Yeah, mhum, a yeah, you know what?)

Only we know what is talked about baby boy
I don't know how you can be driving me so crazy boy
Baby when you're in town, why don't you come around boy
I'll be the loyalty you need, you can trust me boy

I won't tell your secrets
Your secrets are safe with me
I will keep (I will keep) your secrets (your secrets)
Just think of me as the pages in your diary

Everybody say woo (woo)
Lemme hear you say woo (woo)
Lemme hear you say woo (woo)
I'm saying woo-ooh (woo-ooh)
Lemme hear you say I won't tell (I won't tell)
I won't tell (I won't tell) I won't tell (I won't tell)
Your secrets, your secrets, break it down
Secret secret

Current song mood

Naiindak ako rito sa kanta na ito.

Somebody to Love
Queen

Can anybody find me somebody to love

Ooh, each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
(Take a look at yourself) Take a look in the mirror and cry (and cry)
Lord, what you're doing to me (yeah yeah)
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody (somebody) ooh somebody (somebody)
Can anybody find me somebody to love?

I work hard (he works hard) every day of my life
I work 'til I ache in my bones
At the end (at the end of the day)
I take home my hard earned pay all on my own
I get down (down) on my knees (knees)
And I start to pray
'Til the tears run down from my eyes
Lord, somebody (somebody), ooh somebody
(Please) can anybody find me somebody to love?

Everyday (everyday) I try and I try and I try
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm going crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
Ah, got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe in
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Oh, Lord
Ooh somebody, ooh somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
(Can anybody find me someone to love)

Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat (you just keep losing and losing)
I'm OK, I'm alright (he's alright, he's alright)
I ain't gonna face no defeat (yeah yeah)
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
One day (someday) I'm gonna be free, Lord!

Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love love love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Somebody somebody somebody somebody
Somebody find me
Somebody find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
(Find me somebody to love)
Ooh
(Find me somebody to love)
Find me somebody, somebody (find me somebody to love) somebody, somebody to love
Find me, find me, find me, find me, find me
Ooh, somebody to love (Find me somebody to love)
Ooh (find me somebody to love)
Find me, find me, find me somebody to love (find me somebody to love)
Anybody, anywhere, anybody find me somebody to love love love!
Somebody find me, find me love

Current song mood

Last night, I was listening to my basic phone's radio and this song popped up. Medyo kinilig ako, TBH, hahaha! Hindi ko alam kung tama bang kiligin ako nang ganito kaaga. O dapat WALANG KILIG AT ALL. But anyway, I should always GUARD MY HEART!!! Otherwise sa kangkungan na naman ako pupulutin.

Love Me Like You Do
Ellie Goulding

You're the light, you're the night
You're the color of my blood
You're the cure, you're the pain
You're the only thing I wanna touch
Never knew that it could mean so much, so much

You're the fear, I don't care
'Cause I've never been so high
Follow me to the dark
Let me take you past our satellites
You can see the world you brought to life, to life

So love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do
Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do
Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do
What are you waiting for?

Fading in, fading out
On the edge of paradise
Every inch of your skin is a holy gray I've got to find
Only you can set my heart on fire, on fire
Yeah, I'll let you set the pace
'Cause I'm not thinking straight
My head spinning around I can't see clear no more
What are you waiting for?

Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do
Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do
Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do
What are you waiting for?

Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (like you do)
Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (yeah)
Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do
What are you waiting for?

I'll let you set the pace
'Cause I'm not thinking straight
My head spinning around I can't see clear no more
What are you waiting for?

Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (like you do)
Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (yeah)
Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do
What are you waiting for?

Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (like you do)
Love me like you do, lo-lo-love me like you do (yeah)
Touch me like you do, to-to-touch me like you do
What are you waiting for?

Today's thoughts

Day 10 of healing

Today started GREAT!!! I had breakfast with my family and we had a wonderful and fun conversation about life, love, and relationships. It was an animated discussion, with my brother being the most emphatic of all, haha! Kulit eh. But I'm really happy that I started the day right. Positive vibes would ripple throughout the day!!

Yes!! Today I'm excited to learn something new again! Very fortunate to take part in DOST's Write Right Workshop. We will tackle how to write business letters, memorandums, and minutes of the meeting. These are basic letters but it's nice to refresh the memory what the standard formats should be.

I've had my fair share of writing, be it technical of feature writing. I'm more a technical writer I guess, as I was trained in the sciences to write succinctly. I also read The Elements of Style by Strunk and White and that helped a lot in fixing my composition. Though I've forgotten its principles, the one that stuck to me is: Omit needless words.

Anyway I would just like to share what happened yesternight. Mama and I (Bettina was there too) attended a talk by Bro. Arun Gogna about managing your wealth, be it financial, spiritual, emotional. etc. My takeaway points are: Give. Save. Spend.; Do not be afraid to give away what's precious to you because God will replace it with something better or greater; at the end of the talk we sang Kunin mo O Diyos. It was beautiful. It's a reminder for me to surrender everything to the Lord: Kunin mo o Diyos, at tanggapin mo, ang aking kalayaan, ang aking kalooba, isip at gunita ko, lahat ng hawak ko, ng loob ko, ay aking alay sa Iyo.


Day 11 of healing

It was a busy day!!! We wrote two big documents today: Progress Report and Project Proposal. I enjoyed writing the latter so much!! My brain got challenged!! I used to only read project proposals and perhaps also contribute a little input but mostly it was my adviser/ supervisor who would write the whole thing. But now, I think this is a crucial ability for me to learn because I am now expected to think MORE on my own; contribute significantly to outputs and decisions; and produce substantive results. Writing proposals is a crucial skill that is needed to get funding from institutions for your project to happen. Wala kang proposal, wala kang trabaho, wala kang pera. 

Day 12 of healing (just two more days and it will be two weeks!!!)

Today I started the day right by having breakfast with my family!! Yey!!! Super happy lately that I get to spend time with them before going to work. It's such a happy primer for me to start the day. I remember my biochemistry class, there needs to be a primer for your DNA to start forming. Parang ganun din yung akin. I need a primer to function properly throughout the day. And what better way than to spend it with family.

In the evening I met up with Arvin, Dennis, and Mico and we went to Dia De Muertes!! :) It was an event sponsored by Ayala Museum together with the Mexican Embassy. It was a fun night! Ayala Museum had this gimmick of touring the participants inside their galleries where there were actors dressed in ghoulish attire. There was also an ofrenda set up at the lobby, it was so nice! Really in accordance with the Dia De Muertes festivity. We also played a loteria game where a giant loteria card was on our table and we needed to block out a column to win, like bingo. We must answer correctly to block one cell in the loteria card. We didn't win but it was a fun experience, especially when four nerds/geeks get together for a quiz night, hahaha! After that we ate at McDonald's and just chatted the night away until it was time for us to go home.

Day 13, 14, 15 of healing (Yaaaas it's been two weeks!!!)

Okay so our family went to PUNTA FUEGO in Nasugbu, Batangas, YEY!!! It was a super fun getaway for our family! A 2N/3D outing to celebrate the 40th Wedding Anniversary of Ma and Pa! Super saya because we were all together in a beautiful resort with awesome facilities. Also, this really helped me pour out and weed out whatever bitter emotions I have left in me. My family is my stronghold. They listened to my stories, my rants, all the bitterness spewing out of my heart. They were patient and forgiving and non-judgmental, all of which are very important to me when sharing my hardships and ordeals. I will try to post something about this trip.

Day 16 of healing

Jazz night with Mico, yey! So we went to Single Origin in BGC to listen to this jazz duo play relaxing jazz music while we were eating. The food was good, their drinks, better. Had a fun night talking about a lot of stuff; from personal experiences to the mundane activities we do. I like talking with Mico, his range of conversation topics is really broad. And I like that we can discuss serious and deep stuff and we can both understand each other. Love that part.

Day 17 of healing

Half day at work today! Yey!!! It will give me more time to prepare for the Poblacion Halloween night with Jennie, Mito, and Alexis! I plan to wear this heavily sequined dress in leopard print! Tingnan na lang natin kung hindi magreflect sakin yung mga ilaw, haha!

Update: so happy that Alex and Mico were with us! :) the night became even more fun! We did a birthday salubong for Mico whose birthday falls on All Saints' Day.

It was super traffic going to Poblacion! We bar hopped from Agimat to Apartment to whatever bar that was not so full of people. Grabe ang daming taooooo! I am not sure if I'm still cut out for that kind of scene, but perhaps if I would set my mind to it, kakayanin naman.

All in all it was super fun! Spent Halloween with super good friends! Mej may kilig factor din on my part, HAHAHAH!

Day 18-22 of healing (1 to 5 Nov)

A lot has happened during the long weekend. To sum it up:

1 Nov - had an impromptu date with Mama at ATC. I took her out to lunch at Hokkaido Ramen Santouka. We had a great time together :) I also bought gifts and personal effects. Joskoh ang bilis ng pera.

Later that night I went out with Bea and Diale and we watched Bohemian Rhapsody. It was such an awesome movie! :)

2 Nov - It was our choir's Halloween Party! Our group won the mashup contest, woo!!! Sad though that Ex was there and we were even worse than strangers. We just ignored each other the whole night, as in. Walang pansinan at all. Oh well, let's move on. I guess it's like that. Negativity out, positivity in! :)

3 Nov - In the morning, Papa and I went to Festival Mall to have the PC repaired. I also bought myself a Nokia basic phone worth PhP890. Haha! Finally, my 16y/o Smart Postpaid number will be used in a phone again. Bonded din with Papa in the morning. In the afternoon, Noey, Kitt, and I met up at Starbucks at the condo and discussed our PPCRV Voter's Ed module. We divided the tasks and somewhat got a bit overwhelmed with what we need to do. Para sa bayan talaga ito!!

Later that night, I met up with Arvin who's leaving on the 10th! Huhu! My heart is breaking :( But this is temporary. He will be back after seven months.

4 Nov - uuuugh, last day of vacation!!!

Today, Kuya, Laurice, Audrina, Angelo, and I went to The Mind Museum in BGC and we toured around the facility and had such a blast!!! We saw a replica of a T-rex's bone structure, it was huge! Also had fun in the applied sciences section in the second floor and the natural sciences section at the ground floor. Taught Audrina and Angelo basic science to pique their interest. Hopefully I can 'clandestinely' convince them of pursuing science, haha!

After which we heard mass at 7:30pm and ate at Max's for dinner. Super saya!!! It was a complete family day!!! Perfect to begin the work week!!! :)

5 Nov - uuuuugh. Work continues.

Need to draft an outline for the DOST Security Strategy Plan. I need to do this well. I know I can do it. I just need to focus.

Later, I'll go to the gym, woo!! I miss doing Aerial Yoga and BodyPump. Need to have those cuts appear again!

P.S. It was during this week I swam my first kilometer in 40mins and I was able to do 600m in 18mins, woo!!!

Things will just keep getting better from hereon. I will be okay. :)

Today's thoughts

Day 9 of healing

I can't believe it's been a little over a week. And I am not feeling anxious nor melancholic. I just feel... steady and composed. And aware and present. Not completely balanced yet, but improving, definitely. There are bouts of sadness somewhere but I am now able to sail through it gracefully and with ease and there is no more physical pain being felt. I cannot say I am 100% okay yet, but I WILL BE OKAY. Before, saying this phrase was impossible. But now, I can. I WILL BE OKAY. :)

I suddenly had a Eureka moment: my priorities are different now. Wow. This is quite a big step for me to be honest. I still have my life goals, but the PEOPLE priority is now different. Shet. Ang sarap ng pakiramdam makawala sa ganung kahon. The people I prioritise now in my life are different. WOW. Teka hindi ako makaget over kasi it only dawned upon me na iba na ang mga taong nasa priority list ko!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!!! Omigosh what a relief!!! :) So this is what nine days can do to a recovering soul! Huhuhu ang saya saya! I'm sure it can only get better in the coming days, weeks, months! Shet what an epiphany! It took a while to dismantle the priority list but now that I've re-examined it, I became happier and at peace. :) Thank you Lord for this. Super happy. Super looking forward to the opportunities You have in store for me.

I will be okay. :)

Today's thoughts

I've got so much catching up to do with my healing journal but good thing I wrote them down on my phone!

Day 4 of healing

Celebrated with family 40th wedding anniversary of Ma and Pa- 7am mass at Pope Pius; ate breakfast at Century Hotel; went to National Museum (fine arts and natural history); Tokyo health link and Parmigiano restaurant; packed stuff for day climb. More about my parent's 40th anniversary celebration in a different post!!

Today was a good day. My heart is OVERWHELMED with love for family. Truly, the best times are spent with family. Super thankful to God for an awesome life anchor.

Day 5 of healing

Third day of workshop. Feeling sleepy, sobra. Crafting a logical framework for response the response pillar; feeling positive today! :)

1424H- there are still some remnants of negative thoughts lingering in my mind. 

1616H- so we finished our logframe for our group. Ganda raw ng indicator for the outcome. Hahaha. Naaantok uli ako. Will just take a nap. Proud to report my social media fasting is working. Slowly getting off the habit of frequent social media browsing. 

1900H- I’m sitting currently on the floor of one of the alleys here in Megamall. There’s a sale so you can just imagine the foot traffic here and how stressful that is for everyone. I have a funny story to tell. So I’m strolling and window shopping, looking at all the items that take my fancy. But I can’t seem to bring myself to buy them. There was this beautifully embroidered dress priced at 1k which I wanted to buy. But then I thought i have already the clothes that i need. So i just put it back on the rack and proceeded to window shop some more. Then i came across a shoe clinic. Hahaha bigla akong napabili ng shoe brush made of horse hair and shoe wax! Natawa ako kasi pang-tanders purchase siya! And take note, hindi siya mura ah! I didn’t mind the price actually because I wanted to buy it, hahaha. No to clothing apparel, yes to shoe paraphernalia, hahahaha! Tanders alert!

2300H- left McDo Greenfields for Mt. Ulap in Itogon, Benguet. Slept through most of the trip. 

Day 6 of healing

Started this day at 6:30am, started to climb at around 7am and ended 2pm; seven hours total of trekking. Punyeta ang dami kong realisations now that I'm older and still climbing, hahaha! Will blog about that soon. Showered with Benguet-cold water upon descent. Tired but happy and fulfilled. :)

Day 7 of healing

It’s a quiet Sunday for me, doing housework and sleeping a lot. Got some aching muscles from the climb. Times like these I miss him. Cried a bit today. I know this shouldn’t happen. I must tell myself that I should be courageous, kind, and happy. And that I should always imbibe the values of peace, patience, and fortitude. 

I will get over this. God and my family is always by my side. Good things are coming. :)

Day 8 of healing (it has been a week, YEY!!!)

It has been a busy day! Drafted a briefer for a meeting. My mind was focused on work and I refrained from letting negative thoughts enter my mind; it was good!!! Always positive and happy!!! However, there was a moment that I slipped back into my old habit. I really have to divert my attention elsewhere kapag ganun. Identify the cue and the reward then change the routine. I can do this!!!

Super happy that it has been a week of healing!!! SUPER HAPPY and LESS NEGATIVITY!!! I can do this! I have to push myself to do this, it's for my own good. I need to be healthy to prepare myself for whatever is coming into my life. I am also happy that my appetite is improving but that means I need to workout more so I won't get fat, haha.

This will be awesome! :) 

Today's thoughts

Day 3 of healing.

Today's a busy day so I am looking forward to focus on the task at hand and keeping negative thoughts at bay.

It's good that I am in a meeting and I am enjoying myself; learning a lot; connecting my newly-learned thoughts to my old learnings and making a web out of all the information that I know. It's like I am painting a picture and the colours and images in the painting are all being assembled.

1043H- While my mind drifts from time to time to depressing thoughts, I immediately eschew it by thinking of the present: where I am, why I am here, and what am I doing here. And suddenly all ugly thoughts and assumptions disappear. I just also think of God's beautiful plans for me in my life.

1121H- I feel so sleepy, uuuugh. I already nodded off and thank goodness I caught myself awake before falling face first on the table.

1200H- So I just got an email from ADB considering me as one of the several candidates for a consultancy assignment. OMG. ADB. One of my lifelong dreams. Now I just have to contend with the pros and cons of this while keeping my current job.

1208H- okay it's lunch break. I can write some more, haha. I am happy that I was able to eat heftily this lunch. Usually I would have no appetite but today at least, I ate properly. Big step yun ah. This time around, I should prioritise myself; my happiness; my well-being. All actions and efforts are to be directed to myself. Tonight, I have a meeting for a volunteer work I joined. This should keep my mind busy and my time occupied.

1322H- I decided that there should be no mention anymore of anything negative during my healing process. I still get hurt though. But I should learn to channel positivity every time I get engulfed with bad vibes. I am open to anything that can happen; not closing doors on anything. I just pray to God that He gives me what He thinks is the best for me. I trust in God's plan, always.

1526H- it's recess. About to start the workshop. Grabe antok na antok ako dun sa talk. But it was nice. Takeaway points: there is a glaring discrepancy between allocation and utilisation of DRR budget across the board (NGAs, LGUs). Utilisation is low compared to allocation. Ang laki ng hinihingi pero ang baba ng nagagastos. Bakit? Akala ko naghihirap Pilipinas pero hindi pala! Hirap pa gastusin ang pondong nakalaan para sa mga proyekto.

1710H- We discovered there was something wrong with our group's work. Sooooo we have to redo some of it. But I have to be in Makati by 6:45pm. I need to leave soon.

I can't say that this day has gone smoothly, anxiety sporadically crept up within the day. But I tried to consciously fight it off, which is good. I fought it off with good thoughts and prayers. I should really develop a habit of  mindful meditation and praying.

I love you Lord. We can do this.

Today's thoughts

Day 2 of Healing.

Yesterday was a good day. :) Today, it will be better. :)

There will be some fasting from social media; a lot of praying and meditation; and a couple of happy times with friends and colleagues. Oh, I also need to do a lot of work to be productive and keep my mind off negative thoughts.

Today's thoughts

Last 8 May 2018 I wrote in my blog that I shall choose to be happy.

Today, I am reiterating that choice. I am recalling the feeling when I wrote that down. And I felt so free. Only difference now is this time, I shall stand FIRM on my decision. Tama na ang drama. Ibaon na ang mga panget na nakaraan at alalahanin na lang ang magagandang nakalipas.

It has been six months. And it's high time to let go and move on. Start the healing process once and for all. From hereon, dapat wala nang masasakit at mapapait na salitang papakawalan; lahat puro masasaya at mababait na salita. Wala nang paghuhukay pa ng dati, lahat dapat looking forward to a bright future with lots of opportunities. And that is so exciting!!! I should leave some dignity and respect for myself but still helping and not forgetting anybody along the way.

To let go and just be free of all burden and negativity; to block out unhappy thoughts and assumptions; to have courage and be kind, in whatever aspect.

Today, I choose to be a courageous, kind, and happy girl. :)

My thoughts on the Concept Note on Parliamentary Leadership Promoting Peace and Development in the Age of Innovation and Technological Change

Probably one of the more beautiful concept notes I have read on this topic. The full PDF Concept Note can be accessed HERE.

Meanwhile, I have some excerpts from the text that I found relevant and on-point:

 Science can and should inform policymaking on a wide range of issues but as technologies evolve, a legislative perspective is needed on how to answer to the significant shifts experienced by the global economy over the last decades.

This sentence struck me because it is NOT only science and technology that should be in the spotlight, but it also shows the importance of policy- and lawmakers to be well-versed in the changing times where science, technology, and innovation (STI) are a burgeoning industry. I liken it to a vaccine that is inoculated into a patient. The drug (the healing component) is the S&T but the drug carrier (the membrane or 'package' of the drug) is the legislation. It is so important to get these two things right when administering a vaccine in order to treat the disease. A wrong carrier cannot bring the drug to the target zone while a wrong drug cannot cure the illness.

...scholars have started to study how cutting-edge technologies can help to develop pro-peace innovations. [sic] Real-time use of big data, for instance can be instrument for a better understanding of conflict dynamics.

Investing in the mechanisms that link science to development and peace can pay high dividends for many countries. Cooperation models developed by the world of science, based on joint projects and common objectives, can also substantively contribute to intercultural dialogue and peace. Science can help to identify and better understand long-term threats and emerging trends like to impact upon the well-being of future generations, and help to shape the policies to address them.

I think this is my first time to read a statement connecting SCIENCE and PEACE. Really. I know that science explains a lot of things and phenomena but peace? How? Now I know. By using big data and analysing it to see trends and patterns within conflicts (or perhaps societies) that can be addressed with sound solutions and eventually resolve the problem. To solve a problem, one must understand the problem first. Science can help understand the problem more from different perspectives. And THAT can resolve conflicts to create peace. Galing. I suddenly remember the Arab Spring conflict. I've read a few papers about it. Some argue that what exacerbated the Arab Spring was climate change. Because of this, it created chaos that started within Tunisia and spread across Libya, Egypt, Bahrain, Yemen, and Syria. At first I cannot comprehend how climate change can create conflict. How can the shift of global temperatures cause upheavals? Well, it definitely affects food security. Change in climate will affect many natural processes and can affect food production and supply. If the people/scientists cannot find solutions or the technology to produce more food to feed earth's growing population amidst global warming, there will chaos. Just like what happened in Arab Spring. Now I have an example of what it means to link science with peace.

Although science is generally considered to play a beneficial role in society, quite often it is not involved early enough or in a structured manner in the discussions on the major challenges facing societies and in the design of the related policies. In some cases, science and scientific knowledge are simply being undermined, underfunded, and marginalised.

Clearly, there is a need to include SCIENCE in policymaking. While science is not forgotten, there needs to be a wider consciousness among policymakers, and a significant number of them, to include /consider/ incorporate science in their decisionmaking. I do not, however, advocate for the science-trumps-all thinking because there are details that science miss out on. So there should be a balance between hard science and social science when gathering and analysing data. 

Today's thoughts

Eto na naman tayo. Same old, same old. But with something far heavier and burdensome in my heart. Ang hirap. Saan ba ako magsisimula.

Sigh.

Akala ko tapos na yung mga umagang paggising ko, may nakadagan sa dibdib ko. Akala ko tapos na yung mga araw na iiyak na lang ako bigla mapa-umaga, hapon, o gabi dahil sa lungkot at sakit na nararamdaman ko. Akala ko tapos na yung nagigising ako sa kalaliman ng gabi, nalulungkot, makararanas ng sakit, at biglang iiyak. Akala ko mabilis at madali lang ang paglaya ko mula sa nakaraan.

Hindi pala. Wala pang natatapos dito.

Marami, kung hindi, lahat nagsasabi tigilan ko na raw ito. Kumalas na ako nang tuluyan. Pigilan ko ang sariling malugmok sa kapaitan dulot ng pagkadurog ng puso. Sana nga ganun kadali. Sana ganun kadali kumalas at kalimutan ang lahat at umusad, kahit dahan-dahan, patungo sa kasiyahan at mapayapang hinaharap. Pero hindi. Punyeta.

Mahirap. Ang hirap hirap. Mahirap kalimutan at kumalas sa taong minahal mo ng higit sa pitong taon. Nasanay na kayo sa isa't-isa. Alam niyo na ang kilos at kibot ng bawat isa. Ugali, dinaramdam, mga pangarap, katauhan, alam na alam niyo na. Paano ito basta-basta na lang malilimutan?

Marami nang nagbigay ng kanilang mga payo tungkol sa dapat gawin sa ganitong sitwasyon. Sobra. Minsan nakakapagod na makinig dahil paulit-ulit ang mga sinasabi. Ako rin naman, paulit-ulit ang sinasabi at ginagawa. Sa sobrang paulit-ulit, alam ko na kung ano ang DAPAT gawin. Pero hindi ko pa rin. Hindi ko pa rin magawang sundin ang mga payo na ito. Para na akong sirang plaka. Subalit kung mayroon man akong patuloy na ginagawa upang maginhawaan ang aking pakiramdam, iyon ang pagdarasal. Araw-araw. Kumakapit ako kay Lord para bigyan niya ako ng peace, patience, at fortitude para malampasan ang mga sakit at pait na nararamdaman ko araw-araw. Humihingi rin ako ng kalinawan sa mga nangyayari. At alam mo kung ano ang naririnig kong payo ni Lord? Listen and do what you feel with your HEART. Hindi na utak. Hindi na logic. Kaya kahit na masakit, paulit-ulit nasusugatan ang puso, dahil ito ay puno ng pagmamahal, pasensya, at hindi napapagod, patuloy pa rin ang pagpursigi ko; ang pagkapit ko sa walang kasiguraduhan. Sinasabi ko na lang sa sarili kong hindi ako ilalagay ni Lord sa isang sitwasyong hindi ko kakayanin.

Sa puntong ito, kung ano ang nararamdaman ng puso ko, iyon ang ginagawa ko. Napagpasiyahan kong isugal lahat. All in. LAHAT. Kung matalo sa dulo, siguradong warak. Durog. Basag. Mahirap muling buuin. Pero ganun talaga. Kapag sobrang sadsad na, wala rin naman ibang gagawin kundi ang umahon mula sa putik at lumipad patungo sa mga bituin. Ad astra per aspera, 'ika nga. At least alam kong ginawa ko ang pinakatodo kong kayang gawin.

Ikaw na bahala, Lord. I love you.

Today's thoughts

I haven't had the appetite to write down anything lately. But today, I shall try.

Usually I write when I feel like writing because of strong emotions, be it happy or sad or somewhere in between. Today, I do not know where I fall within that spectrum. So I do not know what I should write about. However, I did read an article on how to protect oneself from the world's negativity, including heartbreak. And that is with GRATITUDE. I shall write down the things that I am very grateful for in my life:

1. My parents and my family.

I have always thanked the Lord for the Gift of Family. Our family is a cohesive one, closely knit, and complete. I am very thankful I was born into this family and I have such loving and wonderful parents, full of wisdom and very loving and caring. Of course, we have our fair share of ups and downs but bottom line is, I cannot thank the Lord enough for the family He has blessed me with. I am forever grateful for this.

2. My job and all its amazing benefits.

Great location. Good pay. Nurturing and amazing mentors and colleagues. Beautiful office grounds (there are so many trees!!). I get to walk around during lunch break and merienda break to ease my mind off office tasks. However, there are no field works at all but this is the job wherein I have more time on my hands to do other things.

3. A healthy and able body.

I am able to do all the things I do now because of the wonderful body that I have. I am fit. I am strong. I am healthy. Indeed, health is wealth. I thank God every day for having a healthy body as it allows me to live my life to the fullest. But I should also be careful not to abuse it; eat a balanced diet; exercise moderately; and do not indulge in vices that can harm the body.

4. Super supportive and understanding friends.

My friends have been tremendously supportive of me since time immemorial. I am very luck to have an amazing set of friends from elementary to post-grad days. I would get the occasional scolding from them but it is not without love and concern. They teach me lessons and give me advice, most especially at the lowest point/s of my life.

Well yeah, there's so much more to be thankful for. I should stop worrying about the future, forget the past, and just focus on the present. BE PRESENT. It is difficult actually to do this, that's why I turn to praying to God about my problems and anxiety. Sobrang hirap.

But with God, everything will be alright. :)

Kathang isip para sa araw na ito

Dumating ang umaga Ako'y nagising Paglingon sa tabi Ika'y himbing na himbing Sa pagtulog ayaw magising Pinagmasdan ko iyong mukha Nakatingin, nakatitig Kay sarap sarap mong pagmasdan Hinaplos ko ang iyong mukha Ang iyong buhok Ang iyong tenga Hinawakan iyong labi Hindi ka umimik Ngunit ang noo'y kumunot Tinanggal ko aking kamay Maya-maya'y tumalikod Naiwan akong nakatitig Sa likod mong malapad Napaluha, hindi alam gagawin Ako'y tumahimik, napahiya Umahon ako mula kama Nagbihis, nagsapatos Lumingon ako para tingnan ka Ngunit likod mo pa rin aking nakita Binuksan ko ang pinto Ika'y napalingon Nagkatinginan tayo Pero wala pa ring imik mula sa'yo Patuloy akong lumabas Hindi ka gumalaw Walang ibang narinig Kundi ang puso kong nadudurog

I SUDDENLY REALISED.

I DON'T WANT TO BE.

TREATED LIKE SHIT.

08.08.2018

Today's thoughts

I've been meaning  to write, not sure if this is a poem, something like this ever since April. It's something  simple, but takes a lot of burden off my shoulders. Well, here goes.

Untitled

Marami nang nakilala

Naging masaya ang mundo

Pero sa dulo ng araw

Matapos ang lahat ng kaguluhan 

Isa lang ang hinahanap-hanap ko

Kapayapaan, katahimikan

Balanse, katatagan

Lahat ng ito, ramdam ko sa iyo

Sa gitna ng kaguluhan

Ikaw ang ankla ko

Paulit-ulit nagtanong sa sarili

Naging sigurado sa iyo

Ngunit biglang nagunaw, ika’y lumisan

Ang kirot kailanma’y

Hindi nilubayan

Nalaglag sa kinatatayuan

Nawala sa nilalakaran

Nabasag, nadurog

Napitpit nang todo

Ang pusong sumasamo

Bawat paggising

Ang kirot tila’y umiigting

Sinubukan kalimutan ka

Nakipagkilala, nakisalimuha

Maraming kinilala

Pero ikaw ang katangi-tangi

Hinahanap ng katauhan ko

Makasama habambuhay

Ikaw pa rin

Bakit hindi mo dinggin?

Lubos na pagmamahal

Malalim, lumalagablab

Matibay, walang kupas

Totoo at tunay

Ang kaya kong ibigay

Kailanma’y hindi dapat mangamba

Wala ni isang karampot

Ng pag-aalinlangan

Handang ibigay 

Buong isip, puso, at pagkatao

Current song mood

Para sa susunod na taong darating sa buhay ko, kung sino ka man:

Gusto Ko (Pagsundo)

Up Dharma Down 

Dahan-dahang nagbabagong

hugis ng mundong

ating ginagalawan

Ako'y paparito

ika'y paparoon

'di na natutulad sa buhay

natin noon

Mamumulat ang matang

paalis ka na pala

Hindi mapigil na isiping

may nagbago nang talaga

Ngunit sa kabila ng lahat ng to

ikaw parin ang nais makasama ko

Ohh

ito na nga ba'y pang habangbuhay

Uuhh ohh

walang pagpapanggap

totoo at tunay

Kung nais mong ako

ang makasama mo

Wag kang mag-alala

nandito lang ako

Naghihintay sa iyong

pagsundo

Gusto mo, gusto ko

Kaya mo, kaya ko

Sama tayo

Bawa't araw at gabi

tayo pa ring magkatabi

Kahit minsa'y magkalayo

Sa gitna ng pagsubok,

isang tawag

ako'y susugod

kailanman 'di ka tatalikuran

Palagi kang sinasisip

gising man o nananaginip

walang katulad na bigkis tayo

Sa dinadami ng makikilala mo

sana'y ako parin ang siyang piliin mo

Ohh

ito na nga ba pang habang panahon

Uuhh ohh

kay raming pinagdaanan

noon at ngayon

Ang nais ko parin

tayo ang magkapiling

Walang pag aalinlangan

Abangan ako sa aking

pagdating

Uuhh ohh ohh
Uuhh ohh

Gusto mo, gusto ko

Kaya mo, kaya ko

Sama tayo

Gusto mo, gusto ko

Kaya ko, kaya mo

Sama tayo

Gusto mo, gusto ko

Kaya mo, kaya ko

Sama tayo