An open letter to my Mama on her "forty-something" birthday

This photo is posted in front of my study desk. Do you know it keeps me awake whilst studying? Even if I'm here in Australia I can hear you saying, "Trisha kailangan mo mag-aral, gumising ka." Or when my desk/room is messy I can hear you saying, "Trisha clean-up your room, it's so messy." This photo is powerful indeed!!! 

Dear Mama,

I begin this letter by profusely apologising for its tardiness and briefness. I have just submitted a 2,000-word essay about the political economy of small-scale mining in the Philippines and have been studying for my final exam on cost-benefit analysis. I am struggling with both subjects as everything being taught is alien to me. Anyway, this letter is not about me but you because it is your birthday after all. :)

Today, I would like to take the opportunity to express my gratitude for everything that you have done for me and my brothers. For taking good care of us; for providing us more than the basic needs of life; for instilling in us God-centred values and principles; for being our inspiration to do better; for choosing to dedicate your life to us as our mother. It must have been quite a challenge for you to turn away from your career and assume the role of ilaw ng tahanan. I know how much of an achiever you are, being class salutatorian during grade school and high school; for graduating from UPD with a degree in AB Economics; for taking your MBA at DLSU; and for being a high-ranking employee at DBP. It must have been difficult to give up all these and pursue motherhood but you did. Kuya, Diko, and I will be forever indebted to this great sacrifice you have made. Yes, it is a great sacrifice. I can understand it now.

Today, I wish you a happiest birthday celebrated with Papa, Kuya, Laurice, Audrina, Angelo, and Bingbing. Even if Diko and I are not there to participate, please know that we are always thinking about you and Papa. May God bless you with best of health, more prosperity, more wisdom, more leeway to eat the food you love, more energy to do the things you love, more time to travel to the places you love, more courage and a longer life to fulfill all your heart's desire. It is not yet too late to do them. You now have more resources to do these things and I wish you would pursue them. I know you have many dreams and aspirations because I, too, have many. Kanino pa ba ako magmamana. My dreams have been realised many times because of you and Papa; because you have served as the giants upon whose shoulders I stood on so I can see farther. I wish that in the near future, our roles will be reversed and I will be the one to help you chase after your remaining dreams. Ako na po bibili ng Ensure niyo para may energy kayo pangtakbo, hahaha.

It is never too late for anything, Mama. Tulungan at samahan ko kayong gawin ang mga ito.

I love you very much.

i remain,
patricia

Today's thoughts

So much has happened since my last post in April.

How boring can I get if I just post something mundane like Today's Thoughts when I have a lot of stories to tell, haha. This is my first blog entry ever since I arrived here in Australia last 06 June 2016.  We arrived during winter and it was dreadful. Temperatures reached below zero and sometimes it rained and the wind howled. But that didn't stop us from going to school --- to the Crawford School of Public Policy here at the Australian National University in Canberra. Arriving in winter can get lonely because everyone is spending their vacation in their home countries or somewhere more sunny, warmer, and more vibrant than Canberra. Nevertheless, I still enjoyed going to class.

I would love to tell more stories about my experiences but the past week, this week, and the next two weeks are hell for me and my colleagues. The semester is about to conclude and we have all these crazy finals and assessments to hurdle. As I write this entry it is now spring. The days are longer and warmer but the nights can still get cold. So many developments are happening and I want to post everything here for posterity's sake. It's so nice to look back to the memories I've made with friends in the past; my small accomplishments and achievements; my joys and pains... It's what makes who I am today. I guess my life is not so bad after all. I have so much to be thankful for.

I pray that my way of thanking God is to be of service to others; to always pay gratefulness forward.

Swimming with the whalesharks!

These photos were taken last 13-15 November 2015 in Oslob, Cebu, Philippines. We got up close with the whale sharks and they are these beautiful, gigantic, gentle marine creatures. I wish I wore fins so I could have gone deeper and swam with them. Truly an exhilarating experience! :)

Peek-a-boo I see you whale shark!

We could have had it all you know, diving in the deep...

Hey man wait for me... You seem to be so near and so big but the truth is you're still far from me.

Hey how's it goin'???

Field work memories: Almeria, Biliran

The bridge connecting Leyte to Biliran

A cat and a dog and my shoes

Photo-op in Biliran's rice fields

EG, Marjorie, and Heinz

Isports Illustration ang peg

Biboy, Heinz, Marj, and EG

Love is the answer

MacArthur's Landing in Leyte

Field work memories: Britannia Group of Islets, San Agustin, Surigao del Sur

Kuya Cocoy our driver,  Roy, me, Claud, Kyle, and Minggoy

I think this was a photo in Hagonoy Island

A no filter photo

My favourite shoes for the beach: Five Fingers

One of my lifelong dreams achieved

Thank you very much Lord!!! Thank you for helping me fulfil my dreams! :) :) :)

Today's Thoughts (1 March 2016)

Journal entry for 1 March 2016

Ang dami kong oras, I think. Sobrang dami na pwede ako mag-compose ng journal entry for today, haha. I think it’s just a matter of turning on my laptop, which is very easy to do compared to my old laptop. So… what happened to me today?

Well, we gave our last follow-up training for the first leg of our field work. We’ve traveled to seven sites namely:

Benguet Province

1. Brgy. Poblacion, Bakun
2. Sitio Labey, Ambuklao, Bokod
3. Brgy. Puguis, La Trinidad
4. Sitio Mamuyod, Ambassador

Mt. Province

1. Brgy. Antadao, Sagada
2. Brgy. Tue, Tadian

La Union Province

1. Brgy. Nagyubuyuban, San Fernando

It was an arduous journey, filled with countless hours of traveling on the road. It was tiring even if we were not the ones driving. I wanted my commuting time to be productive but with the zigzag roads of Benguet and Mt. Province it was almost impossible to do anything when the ride can get dizzying. So what’s left to do was to observe the beautiful and picturesque sceneries that Halsema hi-way offered us. If we had a photography enthusiast with us I’m sure s/he will always request for stopovers to take amazing photos. But I am not sure if a regular DSLR can capture the beauty that the mountains possess. Sobrang ganda eh. Parang ang hirap kuhanan ng picture, hindi makatarungan. One has to see it to marvel at its beauty.

The first time I rode through Halsema hi-way was in 2010 and I even made an entry about it because it was something memorable for me. Until now it still leaves me breathless. I think isa na ito sa magandang napuntahan kong lugar sa Pilipinas. Maraming magandang tanawin sa Pinas pero itong Benguet, at lalo na ang Mt. Province, I find the place “consistent” with its “surprises” and “goodies”. Yung kahit saan ka tumingin ang gaganda ng mga tanawin. Maliban sa tanawin ang babait ng mga tao rito. Lahat ng nakasalimuha ko, honest. Yung walang pag-aalinlangan, yung alam mong tatratuhin ka ng tapat. And dito, walang feeling na they’re just volunteering for the sake of money. Hindi eh. Alam mo kapag inako nila ang isang trabaho, gagawin nila yun dahil gusto nila, naniniwala sila sa layunin na inihain mo sa kanila at hindi dahil magbibigay ka ng pera (operational allowance) sa kanila.

I remember one time nung nag-seminar kami sa Sagada. Itong storyang ito paulit-ulit kong ikinukwento kasi hindi ko talaga malimutan. Bahagi ng seminar ang pagkakaroon ng botohan para sa mga opisyal ng local landslide monitoring committee officers (LLMC). Usually kami ang nagfafacilitate ng botohoan and the usual routine of nominating and voting commences. However, dito sa Sagada, iba yung nangyari. May BIGLANG dumating na elderly woman tapos umepal talaga siya (in a respectable manner) sa amin and she suggested that instead of votation, mag-usap usap na lang daw sila among themselves at sila na bahala mag-elect ng officers. Pagkatapos nung usapan na iyon, nagkaroon na ng set of officers at iyong officers na iyon ay hanggang ngayon, patuloy na nagagampanan ang kanilang tungkulin bilang LLMC officers. Ang galing! Pagkatapos nun si elderly woman ay nag-disappear na. Kumbaga dumating lang siya doon to facilitate the appointment of officers then she left na. Namangha ako kasi mayroon talagang POWER ang mga elders ng Mt. Province and people give them the respect they have earned throughout the years. Parang Council of Elders ang peg, ang astig lang!!!! :D

Kaya simula nun, lagi na namin hinahayaan mag-usap ang mga participants ng seminar at sila na mismo ang pumili ng kanilang officers instead na kami pa ang magfafacilitate ng voting. Ang galing lang talaga ng   a-ha moment na iyon sa Sagada.

Today's Thoughts (12 February 2016)

Today is the first day for our follow-up in Sitio Labey, Ambuklao, Bokod, Benguet. The weather is, as always, cool throughout the day. However, in the afternoon at 12NN, the sun’s heat energy becomes overpowering that it can get hot inside a building without roof insulation. But this lasts only about two  hours. At around 5PM it will become drastically cooler. A visitor in this area will know that the farmers have accomplished most of their farming duties; the children have gone home from school; housewives start preparing dinner for their families. It is because the minimal noises coming from the highlands begin to sound even fainter. Silence and calmness envelop the area. A cool breeze sweeps over the mountains. 

At this point, a myriad of emotions start to flood my brain: nostalgia, peace, contentment, empathy. After feeling these, my brain would start dissecting why do I feel these, what are the other emotions related to these feelings, and eventually I start to think deeper about myself; I start to reflect; I start to evaluate myself. And most of the time, the end emotion that I fall into is sadness that is quickly replaced with gratitude. 

Despite my failures and achieving below what I expect for myself, my brain still justifies what I’ve done in my life. Perhaps that’s why I still feel grateful. I’ve read an article that our brains are rationalising machines. We rationalise many things so that we can accept situations even if we consciously know it is against societal norms, against morality, against our health, against everything. It’s amazing how brains work; I’m so fascinated by it. The  human brain is, perhaps, the most POWERFUL computing machine ever! And I’m not just talking about conscious computing, like being amazing in Algebra, Calculus, Statistics, solving Differential Equations or deriving Integrals (yuck!). What if we create a code for every bodily function, can you imagine that? WOW! Just think of the complex algorithms needed for EVERY reaction that happens in our body!  And the brain is the  central processing unit of all that! It blows my mind every time! 

Today's Thoughts (29 February 2016)

I’m sad. Nag-away kami ni Martin eh. Dahil doon hindi tuloy kami nag-uusap. Nakakamiss. Ganun talaga ‘no, kapag mahal na mahal mo yung isang tao, pagkatapos ng isang matinding away, parang magi-guilty agad feeling mo. Tapos parang gusto mong yakapin at hagkan ang mahal mo tapos pag-usapan niyo ng matino yung nangyari at gumawa ng resolution para roon.

Marami na kami naging away ni Martin, as in. Most are petty fights but it always transitions to big fights. There are so many I’ve lost count. Madalas kami mag-away noon nung bago pa lang kami. I think four times a week kami nag-aaway in the first two to three years of our relationship. Grabe, as in. But when we approached our third/fourth year, we mellowed and seldom fought with each other. As for MAJOR fights, there are a couple na mabibilang sa isang kamay. Yesterday’s argument I think I’ll classify it as a major fight. Grabe. Intense kami mag-away ni Martin, yung tipong nakakapaosan ng boses tsaka ako maraming hand gestures at kadalasan nagdadabog. Intense kung intense. 

But after parting ways after a major argument with Martin makes me feel sad and guilty and a bit remorseful. Sana nahahawakan ko si Martin ngayon. Sana nahuhug ko siya and we’ll just hug each other then everything will be alright. 

Today's Thoughts (25 February 2016)

We are here in Brgy. Tue, Tadian, Mt. Province conducting our follow-up training. This place is nice and serene. The view is amazing and the weather, cool. The water coming out of the tap feels like it came from the freezer. In the morning when the sun comes out and the cool breeze hits my face, ang sarap. Tapos ang tahimik ng paligid, I feel like i am in touch with my inner self.

My inner self is someone who is content with what she has, someone who is not ambitious. someone who loves her family very much, someone who is reflective and empathetic, someone who is simple and detached from the outside world. Yung kuntento sa kung anong meron ako. Kung hindi lang mahirap mabuhay, ang saya sana. Walang away-away. Walang greediness. Walang pretensions. Walang drama. Simple lang. We all live in Utopia. Minsan ang sarap lang maging mangmang. Yung wala kang kailangang isipin sa labas. Yung simpleng pamumuhay lang. You plant and grow what you eat. You have your own family, raise your children, they need not go to school. Kumbaga self-sustaining yung family. They need not interact with the outside world. The family is just an isolated entity and they live in harmony. Their family is their own community.

Kaya lang naman nagkaroon ng mga drama at kung anu-anong gulo sa buhay dahli ang daming opinion ng mga tao. And society is cruel. Everyone can be condescending to each other. Everyone has the right to judge others. Sino ang nagbigay nun sa kanila? Yung ganung power to judge others? Minsan masaya maging mag-isa. Hindi kailangang makibagay sa lahat. If you just have five pieces of clothing in your closet, it doesn’t matter. To whom will you dress up for anyway? As long as you’re comfortable with what you’re wearing without looking shabby then that’s good. But no. Society makes us buy a lot of unnecessary items because if you don’t, people will judge you with what you look like. Napaka-shallow. Society can be shallow. And dumb. And stupid. 

However, they say that no man is an island. There are also disadvantages of being alone, isolated. One can feel lonely, ostracised, dejected. That feeling you were abandoned. Also, chances of survival is higher if one lives in a community. But again having a family is like having a small community already.

Field Work Memories

Field work in Benguet Province/Mt. Province, January 2015. What a beautiful (weathered) outcrop of sedimentary beds behind me.

Why I love the MacBook 2015: 11 reasons from a regular, non-techie girl

I love my MacBook. I've named it Chewy, short for Chewbacca. By the way,
that one on the left is not a mouse. It's a cowry shell, given to us in one of our
field works around the Philippines. :)

I love my MacBook 2015 in gold. So much that it has already altered my habit of interacting with a notebook/laptop. MacBook's UI/UX is highly intuitive and logical that the brain easily adapts to it. One week of using it and I find myself doing the Mac gestures on a PC notebook. Before I go to the details of why I like it, let me first describe myself.

I'm just a regular girl who is not so techie but willing to pay extra for functionality and aesthetics. I'm logical and rational as my profession needs me to be (I am a scientist). Before I buy anything, I thoroughly research about it but I have a tendency to give in to my whim if I find the product aesthetically pleasing despite a hefty price tag on the item. My normal day would consist of doing office work utilising MS Word, MS Excel, and numerous emails most of the time. I commute to and from work every day and meetings in the office usually occur in different locations throughout the day.  Field works are also frequent, rugged, most of the time dusty and dirty, and we oftentimes stay in areas where electric outlets are scarce.

To sum it up, my lifestyle needs need a laptop that is:

1. Lightweight
2. Has long battery life
3. Aesthetically pleasing
4. Sturdy and built to last

The MacBook was launched in April 2015 in Apple's Spring Forward event and thereon, I knew THIS was the laptop for me. But due to its astronomical price relative to my monthly salary, it had to wait. Aside from that, it wasn't due to come out in Manila until June. So I waited. Then June came, I read up so many reviews in between, obsessing on the MacBook, browsing weekly for new reviews. Because it was pricey, I need to thoroughly weigh the advantages and disadvantages of getting one. I even asked my parents if I can purchase this because of course, they have more wisdom to guide me whether to buy something this expensive. I was also waiting for a sign: if I get accepted into the scholarship, I'd buy one. If not, then I just have to settle with my crappy 15" Lenovo office laptop.

Then come 27 November I learned that I got accepted into the scholarship (yey, thank you Lord!). This must be it! I can now buy the MacBook! But wait, do I really NEED it NOW??? So again I went through the process of questioning, researching, and analysing. True, I need one because when I go to AUS I need a laptop, right? But the question now is, do I need it NOW? Christmas and New Year were coming up and my 30th birthday was coming up on January too. So four big reasons (for me) to go and reward myself! :)

So let's get to the bottom of this. What do I really, really, really like:

1. Trackpad
The MacBook's trackpad is a dream to use. When they said it has a haptic feedback mechanism I didn't know what that meant so I didn't pay much attention to it. But now I know how it feels like, I tried comparing it to an ordinary PC laptop trackpad. Oh boy. This is indeed a habit-altering trackpad. It's so easy and intuitive to use I carried the same gestures on a PC laptop trackpad. It's such a standout feature for me. It's also quiet and you only need a gentle touch/click to make a command. It's also very sensitive hence, when I use it I get the feeling that I am moving my finger over the screen's interface. I didn't know that using a trackpad can be this welcoming/"hospitable". I got used to having a mouse all the time but the Mac's trackpad, who needs a mouse when you're only doing minimal notebook work (meaning you are not doing any graphic designing)?

2. Keyboard
This is one of the highlighted features of the new MacBook. It boasts of a butterfly mechanism, which chief product designer Jony Ive created. Reading some reviews, not all are happy with the feeling of a butterfly mechanism keyboard. But I AM. I'm so happy with it because it does not require me to push deep into the keypad and it's so quiet you can work while someone is asleep beside you. I love the feel of this and it makes me feel I type faster even if I am not. Hahahaha. Moreover, the butterfly mechanism allows me to press anywhere on the keys and it would still register. I don't have to aim for the centre of the keys unlike in the scissor mechanism, where you'll get an uneven feeling of pressing the keys, which can trigger your brain into questioning if the key you hit registered the letter you pressed. Less stress for this butterfly mechanism.

3. Super thin dimensions
This in itself is a breakthrough for Jony Ive and his team. Everything that was designed for the MacBook's notebook predecessors needed to be reinvented to come up with a MacBook that offers the same UX but in a completely thin and functional notebook. It completely needed to be a new design if its this thin. At 13.1mm thin, the MacBook is Apple's notebook with the thinnest retina display ever. I even used a Manila envelope as its initial casing.

4. Super Lightweight
The MacBook is less than 1 kg and is the lightest Apple notebook to date. I carry it with me everywhere, just like an iPhone. It's very light compared with other laptops and it's as if I am not carrying a laptop with me. But of course to maximise this carrying feeling, the MacBook needs to be ensconced in a lightweight material, such as a neoprene cover. It's thick and durable enough to protect your notebook from scratches but light enough to not add significant weight to your MacBook.

5. LED Backlight
I was blown away that the backlight does not spill out onto the sides of the keys (unlike other PC laptops) and even more so when the backlight can be DIMMED or brightened just like the screen! Haha! Wow man! Super blown away by this feature! I know it's something small but sometimes its the small things that matter! :-D

6. Good speakers despite the size
I've read a review that described the MacBook's speakers as tinny speakers. This may be something subjective but for me, the sound produced by the speakers is clear enough to hear as long as I am working in front of the laptop. Also, I tried turning up the volume into full blast and the speakers still sounded okay. It wasn't amazing but it was okay.

7. Once I started using the MacBook, the USB Type-C did not matter anymore
Because I was paranoid that I might not transfer my files to an external hard drive for archiving, I also bought a why-the-hell-are-you-so-expensive adapter (it costs PhP3,990!!!) for my laptop which included ports for an HDMI cable, a standard USB, and a Type-C. But as I started using my MacBook, I realised I did not need an adapter at all! I only used the adapter less than ten times in a span of two months and I used it mainly for presentations with an LCD projector using an HDMI cable. And this usage was somewhat forced because I wanted to justify why I bought the adapter in the first place, haha!

Reviews say that this can be a deal breaker but the truth is, there is always the INTERNET to transfer files and store them in a cloud drive. And for some gadgets (e.g., mouse, printer, scanner, etc.), there's always the Bluetooth technology. And for projecting presentations, you can always ask a colleague to use his laptop instead. :-D

8. Good battery life (for my use and probably because it's still new)
I run my MacBook all day in the office with normal usage of Pages, Numbers, Safari, and Music. It lasts me almost eight hours and I only charge once a day to keep it full again. And it charges really fast too.

9. Stunning display
You know I really do not understand when reviewers say it has a RETINA DISPLAY and I snort every time I hear this. Hahaha. For me it just means that a retina display provides a clearer, more vivid, and sharper display. I'd like to think of it like a person who has astigmatism (in this case, me) wherein light/images are not clearly defined and they always seem dispersed. Light looks like a fireworks display for someone with astigmatism. So when you have a retina display, the images do not look dispersed but it's smooth and crisp and outlined clearly, giving you visually stimulating images.

10. Amazing tech support
Just recently I had a software problem that needed to be addressed by Apple's tech support. I accessed their website and got in touch with their tech support. Wow. Katarina, my tech support, was knowledgeable, articulate, helpful, kind, and professional. I love how she made me feel I wasn't alone in my problems with my Mac (specifically downloading and installing El Capitan). I like how easy it is to contact Apple's tech support and their communication means: call, chat, email, or self-help menu.

11. Sturdy enough
My work involves a LOT of field work and I'm always on the move. Chewy is two months old and I think it has handled my sudden flips and accidental slamming quite well, haha. I've been to places where it gets really dusty, to the point that when I left my Macbook open for about five minutes, when I got back, it was already rough to my touch, like the grains of silt and clay flew onto my notebook. But the laptop is still working fine nonetheless.

Dahil gusto ko lang asarin yung wagas makapaglagay ng brand ng kanilang gamit sa picture (hahaha!):
My new MacBook in gold, cowry shell from Davao Oriental, Bigelow Fine Teas green tea with lemon, mug coaster souvenir from my friends' wedding, The Secret of Teams book by  Mark Miller, Vincent Van Gogh blank notebook which functions as my bullet journal, Composition notebook present from a friend in Hawaii, Evita Peroni hair clip, Apple EarPods [cannot be seen in photo: dust from our imported AC unit; hahaha]

Aside from these 11 reasons I've stated above, I just love and admire the WORK, the DESIGN, the IDEA, the CONCEPT that Jony Ive and his team created to come up with a flawless and beautiful piece of technology. Imagine the brain synapses that were spent; the fluctuating levels of hormones (read: stress); the sleepless days, hours, minutes spent; all those creative juices that were exhausted trying to come up with something beautiful and breathtaking as the new MacBook. Wow. It's like buying a (reproducible) magnificent piece of art. And I just love it. I love how this MacBook is a product of the great minds of Jony Ive and his team in Apple. That's why this is the model that I chose.

Thank you Jony Ive and team for making a beautiful and functional piece of technology.

p.s. I hope Apple's team in the software department could create something as beautiful and functional as its hardware.

Field Work Thoughts

Today is the first day for our follow-up in Sitio Labey, Ambuklao, Bokod, Benguet. The weather is, as always, cool throughout the day. However, in the afternoon at 12NN, the sun’s heat energy becomes overpowering that it can get hot inside a building without roof insulation. But this lasts only about two  hours. At around 5PM it will become drastically cooler. A visitor in this area will know that the farmers have accomplished most of their farming duties; the children have gone home from school; housewives start preparing dinner for their families. It is because the minimal noises coming from the highlands begin to sound even fainter. Silence and calmness envelop the area. A cool breeze sweeps over the mountains. 

At this point, a myriad of emotions start to flood my brain: nostalgia, peace, contentment, empathy. After feeling these, my brain would start dissecting why do I feel these, what are the other emotions related to these feelings, and eventually I start to think deeper about myself; I start to reflect; I start to evaluate myself. And most of the time, the end emotion that I fall into is sadness that is quickly replaced with gratitude. 

Despite my failures and achieving below what I expect for myself, my brain still justifies what I’ve done in my life. Perhaps that’s why I still feel grateful. I’ve read an article that our brains are rationalising machines. We rationalise many things so that we can accept situations even if we consciously know it is against societal norms, against morality, against our health, against everything. It’s amazing how brains work; I’m so fascinated by it. The  human brain is, perhaps, the most POWERFUL computing machine ever! And I’m not just talking about conscious computing, like being amazing in Algebra, Calculus, Statistics, solving Differential Equations or deriving Integrals (yuck!). What if we create a code for every bodily function, can you imagine that? WOW! Just think of the complex algorithms needed for EVERY reaction that happens in our body!  And the brain is the  central processing unit of all that! It blows my mind every time! 

Okay I seem to have digressed from the topic. Let’s go back to being grateful…

I read a quote that says: If life throws you lemons, make lemonade. Hahaha! So instead of wallowing on what's negative, turn it into something positive! At the end of the day I reflect on what happened and I count my blessings. And this helps me to turn my lemons into lemonade. I love my life and my family and I've been blessed abundantly by the Lord. I'm very thankful for the life I've been given and I want to live it to the fullest by serving others. :)

Audrina :)

Our little princess is growing up fast!

One of my most favourite photo with my niece and nephew.

Tita is such a photo bomber.

Shi Lin photo session

Me and Audrina at night

Late night (or wee hours of the morning) thoughts

I can't sleep so I decided to catch and write my thoughts here in this blog. Will just be throwing words and ideas so this entry will have no coherence whatsoever.

Why are some people pretentious?
Merriam-Webster defines pretentious as, "having or showing the unpleasant quality of people who want to be regarded as more impressive, successful, or important than they really are." I have numerous friends (or acquaintances? or strangers whom I've browsed over the internet) who are until now, despite being more than five years in the workforce (read: relatively mature and experienced), showing an unnecessary facade just to impress and be in the elite's social circle. Why is this? Why do they have to hide who they are and what they're made of? Are they afraid of isolation? Being ostracised? Do they have low self-esteem that when they show others their true selves, what they are capable of, they'll be ridiculed and shunned? Actually what's more humiliating is that when the circle they're trying to fit into discovers they're phoneys, trying hard, people-pleasers. I don't understand why there has to be a "front", why some make up stories/lies just to impress others. You won't win the affection and company of friends with this, you'll only isolate yourself more.

Anonymity is powerful
These past days I've been commuting the hard way. Hard way means I let go of comfort (goodbye Uber and Grab) and embrace the hardship of riding public utility vehicles (hello jeepneys and MRT). Yes, riding PUVs is difficult. It's physically taxing and harmful to a person's health. You increase the probability of catching some virus or bacterial infection along your commuting path. Not to mention you also increase the number of times you do booger picking in a day, haha! Kadire! But it's true!

There was this instance I commuted looking like crap: I just came from a night-shift monitoring duty with less than four hours of sleep; I had no make-up on; my hair was already clinging to my scalp and was oily; my clothes were a bit crumpled and baggy; my eye bags and skin complexion were just too much to bear when I looked in the mirror. But for a brief moment I revelled in it. It's as if I was another person, a new character in my life's book that felt the ruggedness and hardship and starkness of reality. In this brief moment when I traveled from Quezon City to BGC to Muntinlupa, I felt I was lost in a pool of masses with long faces, trudging within the concrete jungle that is Metro Manila. A very strong sense of empathy welled up in me. I felt like a salesperson in an SM Department Store or grocery; a bystander in the MRT station waiting for God knows what; a sidewalk vendor of candies, cigarettes, peanuts, bottled water, fish crackers, fish ball, calamari, quail eggs; a mall cart vendor of food, sundries, clothing items; a jeepney driver; a security guard in a mall or in the MRT; an employee who's been in the same company for eight years but have not been promoted; a mendicant with two unkempt children sleeping on the overpass; a breadwinner trying to eke out a living to feed her/his family. So many thoughts synapsing in my brain and the more I process this, the more I feel THANKFUL and CONTENTED with what I have. First and foremost I am very thankful for my loving family. They are my life's anchor; the tie that binds my life together. Without them, without the love and care they have given me, I could not have been where I am today.

Much time is wasted while commuting
Many times I find myself staring into nothingness while commuting. This is such a waste of time (in my opinion). The train ride from Magallanes to Quezon Ave. takes 20 minutes.The bus ride from Sucat going to Magallanes take about an hour. The ride from Quezon Ave. going to PHIVOLCS via jeepney takes about 15 minutes. The walk from the intersection of University Ave. and CP Garcia Ave. going to PHIVOLCS is five minutes. All in all a one-way trip going to the office takes 1h40m. One hour and forty minutes of doing nothing. Well if you think about it, what is 1h40m anyway? Well, I've decided to do some habit-forming techniques in this 1h40m commuting time. They are:

1. Listening to an audio book - it hones my listening skills and my brain is not idle.
2. Praying - it is a form of meditation hence, I learn to shut everything out and just focus on praying and talking to God. It refreshes not just my soul  but also my brain.
3. Reading - it practices my reading skills and thought process.
4. Writing down my to-do list in my cellphone - instead of accomplishing this when I get to the office, I use my commuting time to think of my day's activities. This way I can immediately sort and address the urgent and important tasks.


Now I feel sleepy. I guess this entry will suffice for tonight.

My Muai Thai Training Experiences

I enjoy training for Muay Thai but the training is difficult as fuck! I get a lot bruises (much like in dancing), intense lower backache, sore biceps and triceps and calves.

Perhaps the reason I experience all these is because I'm out of shape! Soooobrang nakakapagod! Before I can go through one and a half rounds of sparring but now, just 1.5 minutes in the ring and I'm already giving up, ugh!

My bruised elbow from Muay Thai training :(

Time to stretch again those muscles and train harder!

Today's Thoughts (two days before my 30th)

Sometimes I feel like I just want to quit everything, leave everything behind, just be around the people I love the most.

Sometimes I feel like throwing away my dreams and ambitions and just settle for what I have. I feel I do not want to tire myself of pursuing a higher position and/or a higher pay in my job.

Sometimes I feel like doing minimal, routine, boring technical work. Being a manager is such an arduous and demanding task especially in an organization that is yet to solidify further its structure.

Sometimes I think I'm not cut out for this job, I'm not cut out for my career of being a scientist.

Sometimes I just want to drop everything and help Martin out with his business.

But no. I want to prove I can do it. I can do this.

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

Today's Thoughts

1. I feel sleepy

I just came from lunch and this feeling is just natural.

2. I can do many things if I have many things to do

First time I heard this was during college. It is logical however, the question here is if I can finish these many things I am assigned to do within the deadline.

3. I feel sad because...

I may have achieved my dreams and wants for 2015 but there is this one topic that I always think about before I sleep: Where is my relationship headed? Is there another level to this? Why is there no plan at all? Or if there is, why is the topic evaded every time it is brought up? Pupunta na lang ako ng Australia wala pa ring plano. Hay. And now I'm seriously entertaining the thought of breaking up when I go there so there would be one less baggage for me to think about.

2016 Thoughts

It’s 2016 and so much is in store for this year.

So what IS in store? What are these things I'm looking forward to?

1. My Australia Awards Scholarship Sojourn

My uplift is scheduled on June 2016 and from hereon my life will be completely different. I will be living in a different country for more than a year or two; I will be away from my parents, my friends, and Martin; I don’t know what the future holds- if I would succeed, exceed expectations, or completely be a failure; I don’t know what city I’ll be in, either Darwin or Melbourne or Canberra; I don’t know who will be my roommate/s, whether they will be kind or the complete opposite, Filipino or caucasian.

There are a multitude of uncertainties but if there’s one thing that is certain, it’s my passion of being in service to the Filipino people. I want to be in the thick of everything. Honest, excellent, and conscientious service to the Filipino people. I don’t know why I have this in me. Gusto ko lang naman makatulong sa ibang tao. I feel I have this duty towards others. I hope this feeling will last my entire lifetime. Pwede kasi when I turn 35 all these feelings will be gone. Priorities shift over time but I hope and pray I will still have this passion in me.

         I'm very excited about the new things I will learn, be it as simple as walking down a foreign street or as complicated as doing data gathering in a foreign land in a remote place. So many things to learn, to absorb. And I hope my brain and my senses will be ready to take it all in! I'm also excited about writing it down here in my blog using my brand-spankin'-new, my hard-earned, my i'm-the-one-who-paid-for-this laptop: the new MacBook! In Gold! Woohoo! I remember buying this in the store. It was the realisation of my eight-month dream! I was contemplating already to get a MacBook Air in early 2015 but when this was released in April, I waited for it to arrive in Manila by June then I waited some more to research and contemplate whether I should get one. It's not something cheap and I do not have a job that pays six digits so I needed to weigh my options. And now I have it! I promised myself that I will buy one before the year ends and I got it last December 30! Woohoo! It's MINE! Bad trip lang talaga yung adapter, ang mahal! Pucha, hindi ko alam kung bakit sooooobrang mahal niya, almost four friggin' thousand pesos!

That box right there.

Finally. It's mine. It's. MINE.

I don't understand. Why do you have to be so damn expensive?

2. New improvements and accomplishment in the project team

A lot needs to be improved and changed within the team for 2016. First off, we have a whole new set of goals and objectives for the year. Seminar/workshops and extended field works will be less and be replaced by shorter but more frequent field works. Also, we only have a handful of team members left. Hopefully we can work more efficiently but it also means field works per team member will be more frequent compared before. I need to implement a new style of management for my team, one that functions like an organisation. There will be different committees handling different team tasks. Since field work will be less, office time will be abundant and that can mean more time to meet with teammates and more time to plan. I also want to improve the current monitoring system that we have with the community. Monitoring has taken its toll on our team and I plan to have it automated already before I leave. We can target it by first quarter of 2016. Protocol assessment shall also be accomplished. I look forward to working with fewer teammates as this will be easier to handle.

      Much has been learned from 2015 that can be used to improve the 2016 project year. I just need to make sure that before I leave, the team is self-reliant.

3. I’m turning 30

Ah. 30. The big 3-0. I feel I have turned 30 already this 2015 because I've noticed small changes in the way I think, I understand, I handle people.  But I’m very excited to learn more, do more, and be more  this 2016. When a person ages, wisdom, acquired through numerous triumphs and failures, settles in and this changes the way a person thinks and acts. I’m very excited for this new way of thinking and acting because it can open new doors of opportunity. And this is very exciting indeed. The formation of new habits comes also with age. This also excites me very much. I love imagining that these changes are imprinted on the brain. How dynamic the brain can be. Sobrang galing ng utak. For me, it's the most complex thing that have ever existed (next is the human body), much more complex than how the earth and galaxies were formed and Einstein's Theory of Relativity.

Just three things in store for 2016. But THREE BIG things. I pray to God to give me serenity to accept things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Let's go Lord! :) <3 p="">