Today's thoughts

Every now and then, or should I say more often than not, I languish in the imposter phenomenon. Those bouts of inadequacy, fraudulence, incompetency, insecurity... the list goes on. No matter what I have achieved in 39 years, they still seem miniscule, particularly in the realm of science and academia. When I was younger, I thought that perhaps, having a PhD would make me a competent scientist. But then suddenly, despite almost on the brink of obtaining one, I still feel... inadequate in my profession. 

I thought that perhaps obtaining a PhD, returning home to the Philippines, I could get a job that I love, be compensated commensurately for it, and have that feeling of accomplishment. This seems to be not true. As I got more exposed to academia outside the Philippines, my weltanschauung has expanded greatly. I suddenly wanted to do more things, explore new things, immerse myself in research while being in a place that enables me to do so. Unfortunately, my desire to go back home has diminished because the research that I'm doing is not necessarily a good fit in the PH context. 

This suddenly throws me into a limbo state, asking myself, "where do I want to go?", "what is it that I really want after my PhD?", "what choices or opportunities do I have?", "when do I actually start saying no to every life-changing opportunity because I need to settle in an optimal place once and for all?"

We only have one more year left before Mico and I finally settle down in a place where we will earn well and thrive for the next 10 to 20 years. In this settling down, questions like "what will be our jobs and career paths?", "will we give it our best shot to really conceive?", "will it be okay if we won't have children?", "how do we set up our retirement fund?", "do we actually go back home instead?"

So many questions that will be answered this year and the next. It will be exciting but scary at the same time. There's so much uncertainty and uncontrolled variables. Also, financial capital is needed to jumpstart the move, something that Mico and I currently don't have. 

But anyway, let's see. I already have secured a postdoc position here in the U.S. Sadly though, Mico and I will be physically apart because he will have to go home. Sweden is a potential opportunity, but that one's not yet in the bag. 

We will see. For now, just trust the Lord, lift up all worries and anxiety to Him, and everything will be alright. 💖

Until then,

My APHA 2024 experience with friends :)

Last post was 31 October 2024. It has been FIVE MONTHS and A LOT has happened then. I want to look at my phone's photos to remember what happened in all those months, but I can't even remember which phone they're in since I changed phones! 

Okay so I checked. For my trip with family to UAE-Georgia-Armenia, I remember having my Flip 6 phone already because Audrina was tripping with it, haha! 

For this post, I want to record my memory of attending the American Public Health Association Annual Meeting 2024 in Minneapolis, Minnesota where I attended with my colleagues last 26-30 October. It was really nice because there were a number of us who attended, and they are colleague friends whom I jibe with well. 

Shilpa, Roi San, Idara, and myself booked an AirBnB near the Convention Center and we spent like four nights five days together (I think) in this apartment. Rohit booked another place but we were all together for most of the time. Here are some photos for remembrance:

I remember taking this photo with Idara, Roi San, and Shilpa at the DFW Terminal E airport. We were to depart for Minneapolis. Notice we have our posters with us! :)

This was our first meal upon arriving in Minneapolis. I forgot the name of this Italian restaurant, but it was one of the more popular ones near our AirBnB. It was popular based on Google Search and it was one of the more "institutionalized" Italian restaurants in the area. Did we enjoy our food? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Hahaha! The pasta Alfredo and the chicken parmigiana weren't the best dishes in the menu, despite it being the best seller ones. All of us were disappointed. Mind you, we are women in our thirties so I think we may have higher standards compared to when we were younger. 

Rohit, Shilpa, and Roi San posing for the cam.

Shilpa, me, Idara, and Roi San being candid.

This one is just for show, really. Hahaha.

Here are some "candid" photos in our apartment. It was very spacious for four people as it had two bedrooms and one huge common area. These are wonderful memories with PhD friends. I know someday, I will look back at these photos and reminisce those times all of us were in the same PhD boat, struggling to publish, struggling with coursework load, struggling with just keeping our heads above water. But it was also nice because since we are all doing research, we get to exchange wonderful scientific ideas and feel passionate about working on our research goals. We are all passionate about epidemiological research and this is what drives us in our scientific careers.

Roi San and Rohit visited my poster during the poster session. That's my research right there at the back. Wow am I that short???

The College of Public Health decided to have a booth at APHA and here's a photo of us booth people together with Dr. Northeim (the tall and pretty blonde at the back).

And here I am orally presenting my other research (different topic from my poster). My last oral presentation in an international conference was eons ago when I was still in UP. I think it was way back 2009 or 2010? So for this oral presentation I made sure I had a speech written out because I was super anxious I might forget what I need to say. I think it went okay. 

Yay! Here's the Dream Team! UNTHSC CPH participants reprezzzent! Standing from left to right: Harrison, Sophia, Idara, Kaeli, and Rohit. Kneeling in front L-R: me, Shilpa, and Roi San. This is such a nice photo. I think this was the last day of the conference and we needed to pack our stuff up. Prior to leaving the venue we took a photo by this set-up. It was a nice and memorable event indeed. This is my second conference attended during my PhD.

GaiNoi

GaiNoi

GaiNoi restaurant was sooo good we dined there TWICE!

GaiNoi

GaiNoi

This was taken in a hole-in-a-wall Japanese restaurant somewhere in Minneapolis, I don't remember the name. Shilpa unfortunately was unable to join because I think she attended a networking event in the evening. 

This ice cream night was a riot!!! I think we spent a good three hours just talking about our own cultures and histories. Shilpa and Rohit are from India. Shilpa is from New Delhi, while Rohit is from Chennai. India is so ethnically diverse that even if you are both Indians but come from different regions, there's so much difference in your traditions and cultural background. Roi San is from Myanmar, specifically part of the Kachin ethnicity. Idara is from Lagos, Nigeria. While I'm from Manila, Philippines. We are like the international epidemiology researchers group! :)

This night was particularly a riot because Idara was talking about some indigenous practices from Nigeria, and we just found it so bizarre! She told us about a practice of a particular tribe where if the husband dies, the wife is also buried with him even if she's still alive. The other one is if there's a dispute raised about how the husband died and the wife is suspected of cheating, the wife would drink the bathwater of the deceased husband and if she dies because of it, it proves that she cheated. Gosh they were really so bizarre we were left aghast.

Notice we have more photos of dining out compared with photos during the conference itself, haha! Conferences are not just events wherein we get to present our research, network with other scientists, and learn from presentations, but it's also a nice time to bond with your colleagues and go out in the city and dine in restaurants that are not available near our campus. 

Walking around the city. Dang it was freezing and this wasn't even winter yet.

For our last meal together, we ate at an Indian restaurant. Wooo so good! Even got to take out some leftovers, which came in handy when I had to rebook my flight! I think my previous post was about this.

It was indeed a fun, enriching, and somewhat relaxing (I guess) time for us PhD students at this conference. :) It is one of my happy times during this PhD journey. 💖

I feel so blessed

I was flying home via Delta Airlines from Minneapolis to DFW on an evening flight with Shilpa. Both of us are headed home after spending four days at the American Public Health Association Annual Conference. So we checked in, waited at our gate, when suddenly the Delta personnel's voice was heard from the PA system: We are overbooked for tonight's flight and we're looking for four volunteers to have their flight rebooked to tomorrow morning. You will be receiving $700 as compensation. 

Then I perked up from my seat, Shilpa and I looked at each other, and in my head I thought, $700??? Mico and I could certainly use that money! So I hemmed and hawed a bit, but also decided pretty quickly to get my ass over the booth. First, I asked what time is the rebooked flight, then I clarified if the $700 is in cash or credit, if there will be a hotel provided, and if the hotel is free and will not be deducted from the $700. The answers were all very favorable, and they even said that there's a shuttle that can take you to and from the hotel and airport! I decided to go for it because, hey, SEVEN HUNDRED f*cking DOLLARS! HELLLOOOO, PhP35,000 in gift cards?! Tapos libreng hotel pa?! Bakit hindi diba!

So this is really a huuuuge blessing! 

Next, let's go into the details of the stay. I checked my carry-on so I only had my backpack with me. What's inside my bag are the other blessings I have. This morning at the AirBnB we're staying in, as I was packing, I decided to put my toothbrush and tongue cleaner in my bag, some really good snacks including delicious Indian takeout food, panty liners, and some chocolates. Usually I would check in my toothbrush and tongue cleaner and charging wires, and all of these other stuff (except the Indian food) because hey, I am going home anyway so there's no need for this. BUT TODAY, I decided to put all of these in my backpack, PLUS I decided to buy a sweater at the airport as a present for Mico. I also put in my freebie bonnet in the backpack for some unknown reason. And WOW. Who would've thought that all these will be very beneficial for this unplanned rebooking! Grabe ang galing ni Lord!!! This is a perfect example of everything falling into place!!! 

Eto pa. I really believe God sends people. So may nakasama akong girl who also opted for the rebooking and we were together during the whole ordeal! At least may karamay ako diba, we can look after each other. Ang galing lang talaga!!!

God really provides! Ang galing!!! Just as long as you never lose your faith, always believing in God, and always believing that everything happens for a reason! 'ika nga: kung hindi ukol, hindi bubukol. God knows best so just have faith. Honestly though, sometimes, I fall into despair. But then I would just like to think that God is teaching me how to trust Him more, that everything that's happening is all part of the process. Ang galing no??? I feel so blessed and grateful!

Well, hello there!

 Every fucking time I start off with, "it has been a while since I last wrote in my blog." Well, whose fault is it? 👀 

Last post was 9 May 2024. It's now 19 October 2024. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. Too bad I wasn't able to document my PhD quals. I had vlogs about it - the emotions I went through preparing for it - it was just nerve-wracking. It was judgment day, at least that's how I felt. It happened on the week of 8 July, Papa's death anniversary. I specifically chose this week to have my quals because of this. This date will be forever seared in my memory. There are certain dates in my life that are just embedded... 8 July, 29 August, 24 September, 18 October, 31 October, 14 December... I guess that's just how life is. We have certain dates in our lives that we will never forget. And every time we remember it, memories are drawn out from our hippocampus and we fall into this reverie of reminiscing the past. 

Anyway... what has happened to me? Well, I'm now a PhD Candidate, yay! I attended and did a poster presentation at the Alzheimer's Association International Conference in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in Jul-Aug. I was fully funded for this trip. I brought Mico with me and we spent about five days in Philly. Here are some of the photos:

The AAIC was held at the Philadelphia Convention Center and it was walking distance to a lot of good restaurants serving international cuisines. But if there's one we really enjoyed, it was Asian cuisine down at Chinatown.

Clockwise from L-R: that's me posing beside a metal sculpture of the human genome at the Scott Memorial Library in Thomas Jefferson University; We wanted to try out the Korean fried chicken place, BBQ. Then we found out there's a branch here in Fort Worth near TCU; This is a good Italian restaurant, Vetri. Ordered some usual Italian dishes including, of course, pizza; That's me posing outside the PCC by the AAIC poster. First time to attend the AAIC. There were so many attendees!

On the last day of the conference, Mico and I walked around 7-8 miles, going around Philly. We went to the famous steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art where Sylvester Stallone, aka Rocky, did that famous run in the movie, Rocky. Also took this photo beside a horse in the museum. Had a similar photo taken at the Louvre in Abu Dhabi.

Some of our Chinatown dining experience: Terakawa Ramen and that popular matcha place right beside Terakawa.

Clockwise from L-R: Just walking around Philly. I think we were averaging 10,000 steps per day because we just kept walking as all of the good spots are within walking distance. 

Of course our Philly trip wouldn't be complete if we did not eat Philly Cheesesteak! We walked all the way to Italiantown wanting to go to Angelo's, but then it was closed for renovation! So we walked some more and ended up at Pat's King of Steaks diner hub. We decided between Geno's or Pat's, since both were two warring cheesesteak houses, but in the end, went to Pat's because it's an older establishment compared to Geno's.

What else... what updates do I have... well, I'm now officially in my FOURTH and FINAL YEAR as a PhD student! Imagine that!!! Time flies fast when you're having fun, or just really occupied with a lot of shit. My funding officially ends by July 2025. But Dr. Zhou and I are targeting to defend my thesis by April 2025 so I can do my graduation march by May 2025. I'll defend my proposal by December 2024, but I am nowhere near the completion of my written manuscript! Ugh!

Then recently I've been despairing about my opportunities after my PhD. A huge part of me wants to go back home to the Philippines. At the same time, a part of me wants to stay in the US to do my postdoc fellowship so I can become a better scientist. But if I take the latter, I think I'll most likely say bye-bye to the possibility of having children. I don't know. I'm just feeling a lot of uncertainty and desperation at this point. Coupled with a lot of other things to wrestle with like my publication manuscripts, dissertation proposal manuscript, APHA oral presentation, Columbia postdoc proposal, HESP postdoc proposal, fucking class project that takes up a lot of time... I have so much on my plate that I just freeze because I feel so overwhelmed!

Tapos nakikipagsabayan pa yung hormonal changes ko because: womanhood. Ugh. Sometimes I think if I'm entering perimenopause earlier.

I'm just really overwhelmed now. I have so many deadlines this October, and I just wish this month had more days in them. I think I'm losing my mind. 

Anyway, I'll try to take it one step at a time... one foot in front of the other... slowly but surely. Part of me thinks that instead of whining, I should be doing stuff. Well, the whining is scheduled anyway so it's part of the process. I think I can whine about 20 minutes per day, then that's it. The rest of the day I just need to work.

We can do this Edz, you can do this! You're a fucking PhD candidate, get a fucking hold of yourself. You didn't make it this far just to be defeated by your weak thoughts! Get a fucking hold of yourself and grab that fucking bull by its balls. Did you really come all this way to study in America just to be overwhelmed by the things you love doing??? What kind of bullshit reasoning is that??? You have to be fucking strong; stand firm by the choices you made. In the end, it will all be worth it.

But will it be really worth it? 

It will be if you make it so. 

Until then,

Today's thoughts: Thursday of Finals Week for Spring 2024

Well hello! It's been two months since the last post! So much has happened. I always open my entry with, "there were so many times I wanted to write in my blog but just didn't." Oh well, same old same old. 😅

Spring 2024 is about to end. This means I'm about to finish my third year PhD and entering as a senior come Fall 2024. However, there's still the summer semester and my quals to deal with. Ugh. I'm dreading my quals!!! I'm not sure if I'm fully prepared for it honestly. I feel that I am, but I may not. 

Moving on, the purpose of this post is to warm myself up for the manuscript I'm about to write. Sometimes I feel the need to prime myself before writing; like there's a plug that needs to be removed for the words to flow. Also, I noticed that in the gym, I dance or move myself to the music to psych myself up before doing a difficult set. Difficult like forward lunges with 30-35lbs kettlebells per arm, or 25lbs dumbbell per arm bench presses. Motivating and psyching myself up, yup, I think I need this every time I do something challenging.

So for the manuscript, I am writing about my experiences as an international student in her mid-30s who came to the US to pursue PhD studies in an unfamiliar field. My target audience for this article are international students in their mid-30s thinking of moving to the US to pursue a graduate degree. Manuscript should be <1,000 words, and must be written in a story-telling manner - engaging and thoughtful, has a realization at the end. I've read some examples and I think this helped me think of how I'll write my piece. I'm used to writing blog posts anyway, but I guess I just need this piece to be more thoughtful and concise. Omit needless words, as Strunk and White said. 

Okay, we can do this! Already warmed up a bit and it's just a matter of writing it! Let's go! hoping my diarrhea won't affect today's writing so much 😅

until then,

Today's thoughts

UGH. I am so unproductive in my assignments today!!! I wasn't able to accomplish anything solid. Though I finished some chores like laundered the rugs and rags, and also swept and mopped the floor. Also learned a new guitar piece, Billie Eilish's Billie Bossa Nova. It's an extremely easy piece and the melody is nice. Also attended this morning my brain health coaching session and journal club in the afternoon. Hmm. Pretty productive I guess? But the productivity is not necessarily directed towards my assignments and research work. Also did some in-room exercises. Now it's 1815H and I need to cook cacio e pepe. Maybe I'll try to do some work for two hours before retiring to bed. I notice lately that I'm productive in these final hours of the day before sleeping. So my power hours are around 10AM-4PM, then 10PM-12MN. The hours in between are just blah.

Anyway, time to cook! Will be studying propensity scores after dinner. 

Spring Break 2024

Spring Break, for me, is a way to catch up with research work backlog. Ugh. Not complaining though, I love the moments I get to focus and dive deep into my research. What bothers me really are coursework assignments. Ugh. Annoying things that get in the way. Or perhaps they are actually not annoying as long as I'm just doing assignments and not research work. But anyway, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

So the point really of this post is life lately: spending happy time with the husband and catching up with all the research and assignments. I am struggling with my manuscript, especially the discussion section. I'm looking for literature to explain the indirect effects of discrimination on cognitive function with depression as mediator among older adults across different population groups (i.e. NHW, AA, and MA). The thing is, what's in the literature is contrary to what our results are, which is something bothersome as it makes us question whether our dataset or analysis is wrong. The thing is, both me and my adviser have analyzed the new dataset separately, and we both have the same results (yay! that means I ran my analysis correctly!). Anyway, I guess right now the challenge is digging through literature, sorting them out and  organizing them into a coherent flow of words. In short, what I'm writing must make sense. And the hard part is that there are so many sources where I am getting my arguments, it makes me confused. Just writing a few paragraphs takes me at least 5 to 8 hours of intensely focused work. Anyway. 

Just putting in here a collage of Mico and I, at night in bed, laughing and giggling about nonsensical things. It's just so nice to be in love and committed and in-sync with someone whom you really trust, the person whom you know has your back and commits to be there for you forever. Cheesy, yes, but there's that peace and contentment, knowing that no matter what, this person is someone whom you can fully trust with your whole, unabashed, and uninhibited self. That feeling is just... beautiful. Mico gives me that feeling. 💓 I thank the Lord for my most wonderful husband. 💖

11 March 2024, Monday, 0218H. First weekday of Spring Break

Today's thoughts

I am fatigued. Ugh. My hormonal changes make me feel exhausted. I also have a brain fog right now. I hope it clears up later today. I don't know why today is exceptionally heightened. I get fatigued when I'm in my ovulation period but today it's worse. Am I getting old? What triggered this outlier feeling? Does it have to do something with my diet? The stress I'm in right now? Yo no se. Je ne sais pas. Ich weiss nicht. 

The brain fog. Ugh. Brain fog. My mind isn't performing as it should. I can't quickly connect the dots. I feel lost. The train of thought isn't train-of-thought-ing. The brain isn't brain-ing. The mind isn't mind-ing. 

I just want to sleep. Curl into a ball under the sheets in this cold, dreary, rainy day...

Today's thoughts

I woke up at 7:30AM because of a bad tummy. Went to the toilet. Then went back to bed. I couldn't immediately fall back into sleep so my mind was still active, thinking of the things I need to do today. Then I remember Mico's alarm went off at 8:30AM. So at this time my brain was still awake but almost ready to doze off because next thing I knew, Mico kissed me goodbye at around 9:00AM. 

Then I woke up at 10:48AM. I just stayed in bed, rolled around, and refusing to get up. When I finally felt guilty of being unproductive and lazy after doom scrolling on my phone, I decided to get up. It was almost noon. Ugh. An hour wasted. Ick. Got up, fixed the bed, opened the blinds, got my sink shower paraphernalia, and went to the sink to wash my hair. Yep. I wash my hair in the sink on days where I don't want to do a full body shower. A work colleague of mine used to tease me that I'm like a cat - I don't like getting wet. Well, there's some truth to that I guess 😅

After that ordeal of washing the hair and face and and pits and feet in the sink, went to the toilet to wash and soap my V and B (oooh, like the initials of Vic Beck). Then did my AM skincare routine, prepared coffee, and at 2PM, I'm in front of my computer ready to work. 

Wow. It took me almost three hours upon waking up to start working. That's an AWFULLY LONG TIME. Okay, let's review where my chokepoints are.

1. The time difference between waking up and getting up: one hour. Fuck. This needs to be addressed. Let's try to decrease this time difference to, hmmm, part of me wants to take a drastic cut, like 15mins. But a part of me also doesn't want to shock myself. So... hmmm.. let's do 30 MINUTES. Let's get up within 30mins after waking up.

2. The sink shower method takes up more time than the usual in-shower shower. I can hear Mico right now in my head telling me that I'm being inefficient with the sink shower 😂 He kept on telling me about this but really, I just don't want my body getting wet 😂😂😂 except of course, when it's swimming time. I love swimming. But anyway, how do we remedy this? I could try ways removing some steps... but I'm not sure what steps... Or you know what, maybe this sink shower method is here to stay. I mean, I just do this like once or twice a week. The rest are in-shower showering. So I guess for today, it just took longer because I needed to do the sink shower. 

Other than these two, I don't see any chokepoints remaining. I guess the task that took the most time was the shower. It took me almost two hours to do that shit. That's a very long time. WTF. Maybe because I was taking my time in shampooing and conditioning my hair? Also, I did a hair leave-in treatment so that's why it took long. But two hours??? Man, that's a lot of time.

I should really be more conscious of the time I allot for my tasks. For the mundane ones, I don't feel they take long, but they actually do! Ugh. I should be mindful of this. When I work on assignments and research projects, I feel they take sooooo long, but I've only been at it for two to four hours. Perhaps I feel this because my brain consumes a lot of energy and effort when I need to concentrate on something, versus when I am on autopilot doing mundane things. Time goes by but I don't feel exhausted because the brain doesn't need to engage so much, compared to when I'm thinking. Time still passes but I notice everything really clearly. Hmmm... interesting.

Well, lesson learned for today is to be more efficient with time by tracking time vis-a-vis daily tasks. I've read something about the time blocking technique. I used to do this when I was in ANU, tried to revive it in the start of my PhD in 2021. I had a hard time following it and I'm not sure if I became more efficient. Anyway, we can try it one more time and try to be more mindful of what I'm doing.

Until then,

A weekend in the life of an international PhD student in the US

Fell asleep at 2 AM, woke up at 9AM, got up at 9:40AM, put in the laundry, showered, did morning skincare routine, and sitting on my desk at 10:30AM. That seems pretty productive, I guess? Though I'm really trying to wake up earlier and sleep earlier. But my body just doesn't fall asleep before midnight.

I start the morning with either a cup of tea or coffee, then I'll check my Supernote planner and see what's the agenda for the day, the tasks I need to finish. After which I go to Pomofocus.io, input my tasks, and set the timer and get to work. Usually, I have 50on/10off workflow (it used to be 25on/5off but found it too quick now). I work for about 4-6 hours, but anything longer than that, I am not as productive anymore. I sometimes get distracted by chores in between, but I try my best to work on the chores in the 10min rest time. 

Anyway, today I'll work on my significance section and a portion of my 6312 paper summary on propensity scores. I hope I get to finish the Significance paper today so tomorrow I can proceed with my Do Nothing Sundays. It's good for my mental health and well-being <3

Let's go!

Calories burned chart from Harvard

 I just want to put this link in my blog for future reference:

https://www.health.harvard.edu/diet-and-weight-loss/calories-burned-in-30-minutes-for-people-of-three-different-weights

Different activities and age groups, with the corresponding burned calories. Good reference.