Today's thoughts

Every now and then, or should I say more often than not, I languish in the imposter phenomenon. Those bouts of inadequacy, fraudulence, incompetency, insecurity... the list goes on. No matter what I have achieved in 39 years, they still seem miniscule, particularly in the realm of science and academia. When I was younger, I thought that perhaps, having a PhD would make me a competent scientist. But then suddenly, despite almost on the brink of obtaining one, I still feel... inadequate in my profession. 

I thought that perhaps obtaining a PhD, returning home to the Philippines, I could get a job that I love, be compensated commensurately for it, and have that feeling of accomplishment. This seems to be not true. As I got more exposed to academia outside the Philippines, my weltanschauung has expanded greatly. I suddenly wanted to do more things, explore new things, immerse myself in research while being in a place that enables me to do so. Unfortunately, my desire to go back home has diminished because the research that I'm doing is not necessarily a good fit in the PH context. 

This suddenly throws me into a limbo state, asking myself, "where do I want to go?", "what is it that I really want after my PhD?", "what choices or opportunities do I have?", "when do I actually start saying no to every life-changing opportunity because I need to settle in an optimal place once and for all?"

We only have one more year left before Mico and I finally settle down in a place where we will earn well and thrive for the next 10 to 20 years. In this settling down, questions like "what will be our jobs and career paths?", "will we give it our best shot to really conceive?", "will it be okay if we won't have children?", "how do we set up our retirement fund?", "do we actually go back home instead?"

So many questions that will be answered this year and the next. It will be exciting but scary at the same time. There's so much uncertainty and uncontrolled variables. Also, financial capital is needed to jumpstart the move, something that Mico and I currently don't have. 

But anyway, let's see. I already have secured a postdoc position here in the U.S. Sadly though, Mico and I will be physically apart because he will have to go home. Sweden is a potential opportunity, but that one's not yet in the bag. 

We will see. For now, just trust the Lord, lift up all worries and anxiety to Him, and everything will be alright. 💖

Until then,