Well, hello there!

 Every fucking time I start off with, "it has been a while since I last wrote in my blog." Well, whose fault is it? 👀 

Last post was 9 May 2024. It's now 19 October 2024. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. Too bad I wasn't able to document my PhD quals. I had vlogs about it - the emotions I went through preparing for it - it was just nerve-wracking. It was judgment day, at least that's how I felt. It happened on the week of 8 July, Papa's death anniversary. I specifically chose this week to have my quals because of this. This date will be forever seared in my memory. There are certain dates in my life that are just embedded... 8 July, 29 August, 24 September, 18 October, 31 October, 14 December... I guess that's just how life is. We have certain dates in our lives that we will never forget. And every time we remember it, memories are drawn out from our hippocampus and we fall into this reverie of reminiscing the past. 

Anyway... what has happened to me? Well, I'm now a PhD Candidate, yay! I attended and did a poster presentation at the Alzheimer's Association International Conference in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in Jul-Aug. I was fully funded for this trip. I brought Mico with me and we spent about five days in Philly. Here are some of the photos:

The AAIC was held at the Philadelphia Convention Center and it was walking distance to a lot of good restaurants serving international cuisines. But if there's one we really enjoyed, it was Asian cuisine down at Chinatown.

Clockwise from L-R: that's me posing beside a metal sculpture of the human genome at the Scott Memorial Library in Thomas Jefferson University; We wanted to try out the Korean fried chicken place, BBQ. Then we found out there's a branch here in Fort Worth near TCU; This is a good Italian restaurant, Vetri. Ordered some usual Italian dishes including, of course, pizza; That's me posing outside the PCC by the AAIC poster. First time to attend the AAIC. There were so many attendees!

On the last day of the conference, Mico and I walked around 7-8 miles, going around Philly. We went to the famous steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art where Sylvester Stallone, aka Rocky, did that famous run in the movie, Rocky. Also took this photo beside a horse in the museum. Had a similar photo taken at the Louvre in Abu Dhabi.

Some of our Chinatown dining experience: Terakawa Ramen and that popular matcha place right beside Terakawa.

Clockwise from L-R: Just walking around Philly. I think we were averaging 10,000 steps per day because we just kept walking as all of the good spots are within walking distance. 

Of course our Philly trip wouldn't be complete if we did not eat Philly Cheesesteak! We walked all the way to Italiantown wanting to go to Angelo's, but then it was closed for renovation! So we walked some more and ended up at Pat's King of Steaks diner hub. We decided between Geno's or Pat's, since both were two warring cheesesteak houses, but in the end, went to Pat's because it's an older establishment compared to Geno's.

What else... what updates do I have... well, I'm now officially in my FOURTH and FINAL YEAR as a PhD student! Imagine that!!! Time flies fast when you're having fun, or just really occupied with a lot of shit. My funding officially ends by July 2025. But Dr. Zhou and I are targeting to defend my thesis by April 2025 so I can do my graduation march by May 2025. I'll defend my proposal by December 2024, but I am nowhere near the completion of my written manuscript! Ugh!

Then recently I've been despairing about my opportunities after my PhD. A huge part of me wants to go back home to the Philippines. At the same time, a part of me wants to stay in the US to do my postdoc fellowship so I can become a better scientist. But if I take the latter, I think I'll most likely say bye-bye to the possibility of having children. I don't know. I'm just feeling a lot of uncertainty and desperation at this point. Coupled with a lot of other things to wrestle with like my publication manuscripts, dissertation proposal manuscript, APHA oral presentation, Columbia postdoc proposal, HESP postdoc proposal, fucking class project that takes up a lot of time... I have so much on my plate that I just freeze because I feel so overwhelmed!

Tapos nakikipagsabayan pa yung hormonal changes ko because: womanhood. Ugh. Sometimes I think if I'm entering perimenopause earlier.

I'm just really overwhelmed now. I have so many deadlines this October, and I just wish this month had more days in them. I think I'm losing my mind. 

Anyway, I'll try to take it one step at a time... one foot in front of the other... slowly but surely. Part of me thinks that instead of whining, I should be doing stuff. Well, the whining is scheduled anyway so it's part of the process. I think I can whine about 20 minutes per day, then that's it. The rest of the day I just need to work.

We can do this Edz, you can do this! You're a fucking PhD candidate, get a fucking hold of yourself. You didn't make it this far just to be defeated by your weak thoughts! Get a fucking hold of yourself and grab that fucking bull by its balls. Did you really come all this way to study in America just to be overwhelmed by the things you love doing??? What kind of bullshit reasoning is that??? You have to be fucking strong; stand firm by the choices you made. In the end, it will all be worth it.

But will it be really worth it? 

It will be if you make it so. 

Until then,