Today's thoughts

Every now and then, or should I say more often than not, I languish in the imposter phenomenon. Those bouts of inadequacy, fraudulence, incompetency, insecurity... the list goes on. No matter what I have achieved in 39 years, they still seem miniscule, particularly in the realm of science and academia. When I was younger, I thought that perhaps, having a PhD would make me a competent scientist. But then suddenly, despite almost on the brink of obtaining one, I still feel... inadequate in my profession. 

I thought that perhaps obtaining a PhD, returning home to the Philippines, I could get a job that I love, be compensated commensurately for it, and have that feeling of accomplishment. This seems to be not true. As I got more exposed to academia outside the Philippines, my weltanschauung has expanded greatly. I suddenly wanted to do more things, explore new things, immerse myself in research while being in a place that enables me to do so. Unfortunately, my desire to go back home has diminished because the research that I'm doing is not necessarily a good fit in the PH context. 

This suddenly throws me into a limbo state, asking myself, "where do I want to go?", "what is it that I really want after my PhD?", "what choices or opportunities do I have?", "when do I actually start saying no to every life-changing opportunity because I need to settle in an optimal place once and for all?"

We only have one more year left before Mico and I finally settle down in a place where we will earn well and thrive for the next 10 to 20 years. In this settling down, questions like "what will be our jobs and career paths?", "will we give it our best shot to really conceive?", "will it be okay if we won't have children?", "how do we set up our retirement fund?", "do we actually go back home instead?"

So many questions that will be answered this year and the next. It will be exciting but scary at the same time. There's so much uncertainty and uncontrolled variables. Also, financial capital is needed to jumpstart the move, something that Mico and I currently don't have. 

But anyway, let's see. I already have secured a postdoc position here in the U.S. Sadly though, Mico and I will be physically apart because he will have to go home. Sweden is a potential opportunity, but that one's not yet in the bag. 

We will see. For now, just trust the Lord, lift up all worries and anxiety to Him, and everything will be alright. 💖

Until then,

My APHA 2024 experience with friends :)

Last post was 31 October 2024. It has been FIVE MONTHS and A LOT has happened then. I want to look at my phone's photos to remember what happened in all those months, but I can't even remember which phone they're in since I changed phones! 

Okay so I checked. For my trip with family to UAE-Georgia-Armenia, I remember having my Flip 6 phone already because Audrina was tripping with it, haha! 

For this post, I want to record my memory of attending the American Public Health Association Annual Meeting 2024 in Minneapolis, Minnesota where I attended with my colleagues last 26-30 October. It was really nice because there were a number of us who attended, and they are colleague friends whom I jibe with well. 

Shilpa, Roi San, Idara, and myself booked an AirBnB near the Convention Center and we spent like four nights five days together (I think) in this apartment. Rohit booked another place but we were all together for most of the time. Here are some photos for remembrance:

I remember taking this photo with Idara, Roi San, and Shilpa at the DFW Terminal E airport. We were to depart for Minneapolis. Notice we have our posters with us! :)

This was our first meal upon arriving in Minneapolis. I forgot the name of this Italian restaurant, but it was one of the more popular ones near our AirBnB. It was popular based on Google Search and it was one of the more "institutionalized" Italian restaurants in the area. Did we enjoy our food? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Hahaha! The pasta Alfredo and the chicken parmigiana weren't the best dishes in the menu, despite it being the best seller ones. All of us were disappointed. Mind you, we are women in our thirties so I think we may have higher standards compared to when we were younger. 

Rohit, Shilpa, and Roi San posing for the cam.

Shilpa, me, Idara, and Roi San being candid.

This one is just for show, really. Hahaha.

Here are some "candid" photos in our apartment. It was very spacious for four people as it had two bedrooms and one huge common area. These are wonderful memories with PhD friends. I know someday, I will look back at these photos and reminisce those times all of us were in the same PhD boat, struggling to publish, struggling with coursework load, struggling with just keeping our heads above water. But it was also nice because since we are all doing research, we get to exchange wonderful scientific ideas and feel passionate about working on our research goals. We are all passionate about epidemiological research and this is what drives us in our scientific careers.

Roi San and Rohit visited my poster during the poster session. That's my research right there at the back. Wow am I that short???

The College of Public Health decided to have a booth at APHA and here's a photo of us booth people together with Dr. Northeim (the tall and pretty blonde at the back).

And here I am orally presenting my other research (different topic from my poster). My last oral presentation in an international conference was eons ago when I was still in UP. I think it was way back 2009 or 2010? So for this oral presentation I made sure I had a speech written out because I was super anxious I might forget what I need to say. I think it went okay. 

Yay! Here's the Dream Team! UNTHSC CPH participants reprezzzent! Standing from left to right: Harrison, Sophia, Idara, Kaeli, and Rohit. Kneeling in front L-R: me, Shilpa, and Roi San. This is such a nice photo. I think this was the last day of the conference and we needed to pack our stuff up. Prior to leaving the venue we took a photo by this set-up. It was a nice and memorable event indeed. This is my second conference attended during my PhD.

GaiNoi

GaiNoi

GaiNoi restaurant was sooo good we dined there TWICE!

GaiNoi

GaiNoi

This was taken in a hole-in-a-wall Japanese restaurant somewhere in Minneapolis, I don't remember the name. Shilpa unfortunately was unable to join because I think she attended a networking event in the evening. 

This ice cream night was a riot!!! I think we spent a good three hours just talking about our own cultures and histories. Shilpa and Rohit are from India. Shilpa is from New Delhi, while Rohit is from Chennai. India is so ethnically diverse that even if you are both Indians but come from different regions, there's so much difference in your traditions and cultural background. Roi San is from Myanmar, specifically part of the Kachin ethnicity. Idara is from Lagos, Nigeria. While I'm from Manila, Philippines. We are like the international epidemiology researchers group! :)

This night was particularly a riot because Idara was talking about some indigenous practices from Nigeria, and we just found it so bizarre! She told us about a practice of a particular tribe where if the husband dies, the wife is also buried with him even if she's still alive. The other one is if there's a dispute raised about how the husband died and the wife is suspected of cheating, the wife would drink the bathwater of the deceased husband and if she dies because of it, it proves that she cheated. Gosh they were really so bizarre we were left aghast.

Notice we have more photos of dining out compared with photos during the conference itself, haha! Conferences are not just events wherein we get to present our research, network with other scientists, and learn from presentations, but it's also a nice time to bond with your colleagues and go out in the city and dine in restaurants that are not available near our campus. 

Walking around the city. Dang it was freezing and this wasn't even winter yet.

For our last meal together, we ate at an Indian restaurant. Wooo so good! Even got to take out some leftovers, which came in handy when I had to rebook my flight! I think my previous post was about this.

It was indeed a fun, enriching, and somewhat relaxing (I guess) time for us PhD students at this conference. :) It is one of my happy times during this PhD journey. 💖