My achiever academia friends and other thoughts

During idle times I tend to daydream a lot. Thinking of what to do with my life; where I am headed; questioning myself if I have taken or taking the right path towards my life's dreams. Sometimes I think of my colleagues who have advanced through their academic careers and my younger friends who have overtaken me in terms of taking their doctoral degrees abroad. I envy them thinking, "what have I been doing wrong with my life that made me progress slower compared with them?" Yes, I am not ashamed to admit I envy them but instead of sulking and holding grudges, I think positive and laud at their achievement and I make them my inspiration. Yes, they truly inspire me. 

My friends like Engielle Mae Paguican, Catherine Abon, Deborah Tangunan, and Christine Bellen. We were once together in NIGS and have shared thesis woes and academe disappointments. But they were able to pull through it. Engielle eventually graduated with a doctoral degree in Clermont-Ferrand and she's currently taking her post-doc at the University of Buffalo in NY; Catherine is on her fourth year as a PhD student at Potsdam University in Germany; Deborah is also taking her PhD in Bremmen in Germany; and Christine continued her master's degree in NZ. I am very proud and happy for them and they have become a source of inspiration for me. Once in a while I send them emails about my frustrations and disappointments and my faltering spirit on finishing my thesis. Napapagod na ako. I don't find meaning any more in finishing it as I have not been utilizing it to the fullest extent. Hindi ko siya ginagamit talaga kasi hindi naman ako EVER nag-handle ng mga landfills. I feel like sinubo ko siya tapos napatagal yung nguya ko hanggang sa ayaw ko na at gusto ko nang iluwa. In fairness, ang tagal ko rin nginuya, seven years! Ako ba yung may problema at hindi ko siya nilunok? Ano masasabi niyo? 

What I'm doing now is being with community folk and teaching them landslide disaster management and that's what I enjoy doing, helping people. I love helping people, especially those who have a persevering and honest spirit but do not have means (financially and logistically) to achieve their dreams. I want to be that person to help them. Yun naman talaga gusto ko e. To help people. This is my purpose: to be a person for others. Some people dream of having a family, raising kids. Well, being in a relationship right now makes me think about that but deep in my heart the way forward in my life is to help other people. How can I do that? I need to study and learn as much as I can and eventually spread/teach this knowledge to other people. Because if they know things, then they can be empowered. And being empowered allows a person to achieve more than what s/he can achieve.

But right now I'm stuck. How can I go on learning as much as I want when I am having difficulty in beginning the tasks that I need to do in order to learn much? Hay! It's a conundrum!!! I've read  a lot of literature regarding organizing your tasks; making a to-do list; prioritizing things; even exercising to get into a routine and sleeping early. I've even read literature on how to restructure habits but so far it only works in the beginning and after that it starts going downhill. I hate to use this word to describe myself but I fear that I am a ningas cogon. I am not ashamed to admit it. I am. I am a ningas cogon. A person who is only good in the beginning and starts to falter towards the end. I badly want to change this ugly attribute of mine. Aaaaargh! HOW???? HOW????

I, too, want to be an achiever. I want to go places and study there and experience a lot of things which I can bring back to the Philippines and make this country a progressive country. Yun yun e. I am not going to forsake my roots and my country. Naniniwala ako may pag-asa pa. Magagaling ang mga Pilipino at napakaganda ng Pilipinas. Mataas ang posibilidad na maging progresibo at umunlad ang Pilipinas. 

Gusto ko na magbago. Magbago at hindi na maging ningas cogon. 

To begin, begin.