Today's thoughts

Hey. How's it going?

This is just a quick blog to jot down what I'm currently feeling.

I miss my family. I miss Mama. Today, Mico sent me photos of Mama going around our newly-acquired condo and blessing it with Holy Water. I miss her. Mama likes doing these kinds of things. You can rely on her doing such Catholic traditions and practices. She's getting old. Her body sort of shrunk, and you can see she's a bit frail. I can't help but think the price I have to pay for pursuing my PhD in the US is time spent away from Ma. I left 2021. It's been two years since. She's turning 75 this 2023 and by the time I finish my degree she'll be 77. This is if I finish on time. Thinking about this makes me sad. The window of spending time with her while she can still walk around gets narrower every year she ages. Tatay, my maternal grandfather, died at 77. Well that's because he had cancer. Nanay, on the other hand, died at age 85. We were still able to throw her a nice party at the Manila Hotel for her 80th birthday. I wish we could still throw an 80th birthday party for Mama.

Just thinking about her alone in her condo for 6 out of 7 days in a week makes me sad. But then, what can I do about it? I try to call her once or twice in two weeks, but I guess that may not be enough. 

It makes me think really, if pursuing my degree is worth being away from her for at least four years... When I think about my Delta friends, their parents are with companions. I'm the only one whose parent is alone. That's really making me sad. But what can I do... 

Well, there are many things I can do, right, but at the same time, I also need to set myself up for the academic career path I'm pursuing. And I just don't want to be an academic with mediocre credentials. I want to be an above average academic, if I can. And this means pursuing training abroad, being away from family, sacrificing personal convenience and family priorities to be able to focus on my training and become a good academic. 

Anyway.

I just have to make sure that I get this PhD degree. Whatever it takes. I'm going to get it. So as to justify the time away from my family. Two more years will be fast. I'm already in Week 10 of 16 of Fall 2023. The prize is to graduate by Spring 2025. Eyes on the prize, bitch. You can fucking do this.

Until then,

My undergraduate thesis and other things (i.e. scholarship journey)

So I was overhauling the format and content of my CV today (it took me five hours, seriously) and I Googled the School of the Department of Environmental Science at Ateneo. I taught in this school under this department for one semester. I didn't find what I intended to look for, but I found this instead:

Link to webpage

Omigoodness it's our undergraduate thesis!!!!! This study was conducted 18 years ago and I came across it again, WOW!!!

Omigosh so I clicked on some other links and look what I found:

Link to webpage

THIS IS JUST SO COOL!!!!!! Oh my heart!!! 

💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

What makes this so cool and amazing is because of all the memories that came flooding my mind when I read the abstract! And I went like, "omigosh I remember all those countless hours we spent in the lab (mostly washing lab glassware and running the rotary evaporator, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)!"

I didn't have good grades in my undergrad, but my goodness the hard times were the best times!!! If someone were to ask me if I would redo my undergrad years and have better grades in exchange for less hardships, less extra-curricular activities, and less time with friends... perhaps when I was younger, in my early- to mid-20s, when I was studying my master's in UP, I would have probably said yes, let me redo my undergrad so I can have better grades in exchange for all the fun that I had. 

But now, now I'm in my mid- to late-30s, received my master's in Australia, and taking my PhD in the US, I would not exchange my undergrad memories, friendships, and experience for anything else. Not at all. My fortitude, resilience, and perseverance were built on my failures as a biochemistry student. I was seen by some faculty members of my department as someone who wouldn't get far and achieve much in life. This was my perception because this was how I felt based on how they were treating me.

Oh well. Look at me now. A bit late, to be honest, in pursuing my PhD. Nonetheless, I'm proud to have studied in the best schools in the Philippines (UP Diliman) and in Australia (ANU). And now, I'm here in the US, at an R1 research university, on my third year as a PhD student. And what makes me even prouder to say is that I FUNDED ALL MY POSTGRADUATE EDUCATION through scholarships, stipends, and salaries. Yep. I did all that. Of course I would be inflating my story if I left out the financial support of my parents and husband. Of course they supported me in terms of the pre-acceptance expenses and other external expenses which my money couldn't finance (e.g., new luggage, winter clothes, 

In UP, I was working as a University Research Associate, and part of our benefits included free six units of coursework. This was also the maximum number of coursework you can take as you're classified as a part-time student and a full-time employee. And because I was working, I also had a "stipend" in the form of employee salary. In ANU, I was fortunate to be the recipient of the prestigious Australia Awards Scholarship. I studied for free and got a monthly allowance that paid for my board and lodging. In UNTHSC, I got accepted into the PhD program and fortunately, when you get admitted, you automatically are enrolled under a scholarship and will receive stipend in the form of employee salary as a graduate research assistant. 

So yeah. I studied for free. Earning while I was studying so I had little money in my pocket to finance my living expenses. The drawback was that I'm not able to save anything because I subsisted on meager stipends. Well, I really don't chase much the money, but I do value the honor and prestige more than anything else.

Anyway, I meant this blog post to be only a short one that features the websites with our undergrad thesis. It ended up being a long one 😅

Until then,

Today's thoughts: I can't fully grasp the assignment

 

So I've been mulling on this assignment for almost four hours, and I can't seem to fully understand how to execute the Extended Cox Proportional Hazards Model. I understand the concept, but I'm not sure if I'm understanding the dataset. What we're analyzing here is the Stanford Heart Transplant Data. Our main goal is to assess whether patients receiving transplants survived longer than patients not receiving heart transplants. 

In survival data analysis, there are two functions in your equation: 1) the survival function; and 2) the hazard function. If you know either of the functions, you can determine the other. While it is more appealing to directly determine the survival function, it is usually the hazard function we are interested in identifying due to mathematical reasons. There are two models that can be used: the Kaplan-Meier model, or a Cox Proportional Hazards (PH) model to estimate survival times. The former estimates survival probabilities (i.e. the survival function) while the latter estimates hazard ratios (i.e. the hazard function). Because of this, and also because if our model is semi-parametric, we would use Cox PH model.

Now in this assignment we are to use a Cox PH model, but the approach is an EXTENDED Cox PH model (the other approach is using a STRATIFIED Cox PH model). I am getting confused as to which variables should be included in my model as the variables are not straightforwardly explained in the assignment dossier or in the book. Also, I am a bit confused what my heaviside functions should be, and what code should I type in to determine my heaviside functions (yes, that's the correct spelling of heaviside. It's a mathematical term. Look it up on Google). Argh! I'm just frustrated because I was hoping to finish this assignment today and ended up not finishing it. Though I'm glad I was able to understand the extended Cox PH model, but I failed to execute the codes. It's frustrating. And I still have a number of other assignments that I need to do. I was hoping I can cross this one off but I guess I I have to park it until Monday.

Times like this I just want to throw a chair out of the window to release stress. I can't help but think I wasted time. I know I shouldn't say this because I learned something new and I know I'm now prepared to ask questions by Monday from our instructor. Nonetheless, it's just a bothersome feeling not to have finished this assignment.

Oh well. Let's move on to the next assignment (I have three more lined up, UGH).

Until then, 

I love expressing myself by dressing up sometimes :)

9 April 2023. Fort Worth, Texas. 

Leather loafers by Bally. Vintage handbag by Ronora. Barrister button-down shirt by Uniqlo J+. Straight cut washed jeans by Levi's.

Charot lang. Masarap minsan mag-feeling, hahaha!

 

Missing NOLA

13 April 2023. New Orleans, Louisiana.