Late post: Week 4 of Fall 2023

 

Link to video

This video was supposed to be uploaded last 12 September. That was when Week 4 just rolled in. A month into the semester, ugh. As I type this, Week 6 has already wrapped up and next week will be the penultimate week leading to midterms (Week 8). Time is flying quickly, everything seems to be a blur when you're busy with many things. But time being fast means the sooner I get to be with Mico. I can't wait for December to come. 💓

Today's thoughts: feeling grateful

Every now and then I would get overwhelming feelings of gratefulness during quiet times or when I'm doing routine activity such as walking (or washing the dishes). 

I had my flu shot today. I walked to and from school, and while walking going back to my apartment, I felt a feeling of overwhelming gratitude of where I am, how I was able to get where I am right now, and thinking that I've been given such a beautiful blessing and I should be maximizing every moment that I have. Maximizing/optimizing moments mean I should not be taking things for granted, and that I should be doing the best that I can in everything that I do. Anything worth doing is worth doing well. Appreciate both the good times and the challenging times. The latter I tend to embrace more as these moments are seeds of growth. I always tell myself that if I'm not being challenged, then I am not growing. The more challenges I encounter, the better I can become. Moreover, I know that overcoming challenges mean traversing a learning curve that can be either steep or gently sloping. Regardless, this just means that it takes time, effort, and mental and physical fortitude (one of my most favourite values, in addition to perseverance) to conquer challenges and eventually find the task/activity easy to do.

I remember when I started my PhD in 2021, I knew NOTHING about R and SAS and the whole epidemiology thing. I remember my subject on intro to epidemiology and also my SAS class, everything was a fucking struggle. I remember despairing over my intro to epi because I had a difficult time identifying the different study designs. I had ZERO knowledge of these things and learning them for the first time was onerous for me. To add to the burden, my mental health was suffering. Sleep was elusive and I found myself spiraling down into depression. Thankfully, I was able to recover and I think this episode might just be the result of culture shock. Adjusting in a foreign place takes about a year for me to be really really stable and confident. 

Fast forward, look at me now. Third year PhD, doing advanced epi. Give me a dataset and I'll wrangle it in SAS and R. I'm now more confident about my statistical and epidemiological knowledge and skills. And it took two years (I started August 2021) to get where I am now. Putting in all that hard work was fucking worth it. Super worth it. Things may continue to be harder, but I know I'll also get better in time. 

All this I was able to do because of God, my husband, and my family. 💗 I will always and forever be grateful, no matter where I am and what I am experiencing in life. 💖

Until then,

Today's thoughts: panic post

Whenever I write here, I think that can be a plausible indicator that I'm procrastinating. I have this argumentative essay that I need to write due tonight (Wednesday); I have to be at school tomorrow by 9AM sharp (Thursday); I have class in the afternoon and I haven't read the required chapter reading; then I need to pack my things and get to the FW train station by 0430H, be a the airport by 0600H, to catch my flight to SFO at 0810H (Friday). 

Now while in California over the weekend, I need to do my homework in epidemiology due by Tuesday night; I have TA duty on Tuesday morning and teach logistic regression; I have a reflection paper due midnight on Wednesday; and I have a survival analysis assignment due Friday. Then the next week I have again a reading quiz assignment due on Tuesday, reflection paper by Wednesday, and survival analysis (SAS mostly) due Friday.

AND on top of this all I need to write my manuscript for my paper on discrimination X ADRD. There's just TOO MUCH on my plate and I feel I don't have enough time to do all of them well. I can do them, but I'll turn in something mediocre, most likely, which I don't like, ugh. :(

AND on top of the top, I have to do household chores (cook, wash dishes, clean the apartment laundry, water plants, care for rats). I haven't been in the gym for the past three days, and I feel bad about it. UGH. There's just too much distractions. What more if I have kids and no yaya to help me out??? It's crazy.

Anyway, I was able to vent out a little with this post. So I will now head to MS Word and start typing away my argumentative essay. 

Here's a comic from Jorge Cham's PhD Comics that rings true for most academics. It's unfortunate that I'm at a stage in my career where this is reality, hahaha. This shouldn't be the case, but academia in America is this.

Until then,

Today's thoughts: just a quick post here

I think I may be procrastinating because I am writing in my blog before working on my assignments, hahaha. Anyway, I don't have anything specific to write about, other than I'm glad I was able to bring my ass today in the gym despite strong opposition from my hormones. It's that time of the month where I am at my most sluggish and exhausted state because of depleted oestrogen level. 

So what did I do to fight it off? First, I checked my Volt app to see what exercises I'd be doing. When I saw I'm in the hypertrophy week and needed to do more reps while lifting lighter weights, that motivated me. I thought that it would be more doable, especially now I'm in my luteal phase, compared to when I'm doing strength training where I push my body to lift heavier weights. And when I saw that the estimated finish time was below one hour, that motivated me even more. 

Another motivator for me is, if I can spend more than an hour scrolling through IG reels and YT shorts, I should be able to spend my time more wisely and more productively by exercising. It's tremendously easy to get sucked into your phone, getting stuck in the same posture of crouching or lying down, and scrolling for videos or doing online shopping. I think that instead of doing this nonsensical and pitifully futile activity, it's better to get my ass in the gym, and do strength training, cardio, or stretching. It surely is a more productive way of spending one hour and I get to tick off exercising in my to-do list.

Anyway, I think I may have written enough and this is the part where I should sign off and start working on my assignments. It's currently 1715H and I still need to work on two assignments: one writing assignment, and one reading assignment.

Until then,

Today's thoughts: Rejection and failure

I blog because I like to record my memories; I like to express myself through writing; and I like to hone my writing skills. Some people draw or paint, some people do vlogs, but writing for me has always been therapeutic. 

Today, I need some therapy. I will record my feelings and experience of being consecutively rejected TWICE in one week. I both got rejections for my HESP grant application and my late-breaker abstract for the American Public Health Association (APHA) 2023 Conference. 

How did I feel? Certainly, there were feelings of dejection, dispiritedness, and self-doubt. The imposter complex reared its ugly head again. However, the feelings were fleeting. HESP rejection lasted about a day, while the abstract rejection lasted for a few hours. I guess what lingered a little longer was the feeling of failure of having been rejected back-to-back in one week. I described it to Mico as a one-two punch then the right hook. Usually though, such feelings of failure would take at least three days for me to overcome. I would wallow in my dismalness at first, then mull over my mistakes. This time around, I was able to get over it in less than 72 hours.

Perhaps because I did not have any regrets in what I did, and because I knew I gave it my 100%. I burned the midnight oil writing that grant. There were many exchanges between me and my adviser, and he also spent time and effort checking my work. But despite not winning the grant, I do not feel that bad about it. What mattered to me was the journey rather than the destination. Writing a simple grant application (yes, this was way simple compared to a real grant proposal) was challenging and tough, especially for me who's a new wannabe researcher in the field of Alzheimer's Disease and Related Dementia (ADRD). However, I learned a lot through the whole ordeal, and that's what's more important for me. Going through this arduous task taught me precious lessons in writing, critical and novel thinking, and 'selling' yourself to a scientific panel. This experience gave me a glimpse of my future as an academic here in the United States (that is, if staying here in the US is something I'd pursue), and I saw how competitive it is. In order to succeed, I must work conscientiously and consistently so I can develop and grow myself, and be really good.

As for my late-breaker abstract rejection, I got rejected not because my research sucked or it was useless, the abstract got rejected because it didn't qualify as a late-breaker abstract. The studies submitted for late-breakers are usually ground-breaking or novel, something that is outside the qualifications of a regular abstract submission. My abstract should have been submitted during the regular abstract submission. I didn't do so because initially, I did not have plans of submitting an abstract to any conference at all. I only decided to submit months after the regular submissions have ended. I never had an abstract rejected so this came as a shock to me. But then I was comforted by the fact that late-breaker abstracts are studies that are beyond the scope of regular abstract submissions. If I submitted during the regular time, I'm pretty sure my abstract would have been accepted. Anyway. I guess I won't be traveling to Atlanta by November. 

Anyway, what is past, is past. This experience and the feelings associated with it serve as important lessons in navigating academia. Rejections and failures serve as opportunities for growth. I can become stronger because I've faced many challenges and failed many times. Such events make me rethink my strategies and strengthen my mettle so that next time I'm faced with obstacles, I can overcome them. There is no way but up.

Until then,