I've been mostly all by myself since Mico went back home last November 2021. I celebrated Christmas, New Year, and my 36th birthday alone in a foreign land, isolated from the outside world. I think this has to be the saddest Christmas, New Year, and birthday I have ever celebrated. I was all alone with my rats and my plants. I tried to make it fun and light, but deep inside the sadness was already hollowing out my heart.
I remember that morning when it snowed, I went out of the apartment. I didn't see much people out in the streets but I tried to go around the block to enjoy the fallen snow. After some gamboling on street snow and finding out that In n Out was closed, I headed back to the apartment. As I rode the elevator going up to my room, a stranger greeted me a happy new year as he exited the elevator. It was the first time someone spoke to me in person since the school holiday started on 13 December. The joy I felt inside of me welled up tears of happiness, but was immediately replaced by tears of sadness. I have not spoken with anybody in person for almost a month. And as soon as a stranger greeted me, it brought me fleeting happiness but also immense sadness and emptiness. I wouldn't ever forget this feeling. I cried almost the whole day then.
I didn't go out much of the apartment between November until early February because the winter cold gets me, aside from that time that it snowed. I dislike winter. It gives me the doldrums. Apparently the doldrums carried over until now. I didn't know I had depression until I decided to have myself checked at the clinic.
It started when I was having sleeping problems that started in October, and got worse in November-December. It continued its decline until now, March. I would sleep at 5/6AM, sometimes even at 11AM or 12NN, and I would wake up around 7PM. I felt like I was working the nightshift. The brain was refusing it, I felt it. But my body was saying otherwise. Moreover, I experienced waves of melancholy and I'll start crying out of nowhere, like when I'm washing dishes, sitting in front of my computer, or even when I'm in the toilet or showering. Then it finally affected my midterm exams performance. During midterms week, I just didn't feel like studying. I knew I had to but I was refusing it at the back of my mind. I forced myself to study but nothing got retained. Everything just went over my head. It was bad.
I think it was after midterms week that everything went in a downward spiral. Crying became more frequent, inability to focus was very much there. I entered a dark, dark place and I had difficulty getting out. I knew I had to do something. So I sought professional help and I was given medication.
Depression is real. I thought it wouldn't happen to me, honestly. But here I am, medicating.
The good thing is that here in the US, society views mental health issues seriously unlike in the Philippines. Back home, people would easily dismiss your mental health concerns. And if they know you're taking medication for depression or for any other mental health crisis, they'll view you as someone weak, unstable, nasisiraan ng bait/ulo. There's this stigma that your mentally and emotionally unstable and thereby people would be more wary and cautious approaching you. But in the US, people will offer you a helping hand. They will be genuinely concerned about your condition and encourage you to seek professional help. I wish it would be more like that in the Philippines. The society would be more open and accommodating to discuss mental health issues and actually help people in need, rather than dismissing them as weak.
In this journey that I'm embarking, the PhD route, it will be very tough. Tough mentally, emotionally, intellectually, socially. But as long as I have God, my spouse, and my family with me, I can hurdle this. I should always go back to the reason why I wanted to come here in the first place, why I wanted to pursue a PhD: because I want to do research, I think this is something I can be good at. I want to be a scientist, I want to be in academia. I don't think I can wedge myself in a corporate setting. I can work in the government, but perhaps as a research scientist. Or I don't know, maybe a government executive when given the opportunity? But for sure, I want to do research. And in order for me to do that, I must learn the appropriate and adequate skills to do research. My PhD training can give me that. So I must do good here, I must be able to learn as much as I can so I can do good research and be a good scientist.
