It's already 2:50AM here at Fort Worth, Texas and my mind is still abuzz despite taking a melatonin pill for sleeping. I guess the pill doesn't prevent one from actively thinking before sleeping.
I tried to quiet down my mind by meditating/praying, but that action led me to think of Papa. I met with him in my meditation. I hugged him, I was so happy to see him again, hold him, embrace him... But then I realised it was not real. I will never ever get to hug him again, nor tell him my stories and listen to his advice. I will never be able to tell him, nor would he know, that I got accepted into a PhD program in the US and that I'll start my classes this coming Monday... I will never be able to tell him all the wonderful things that happened to me --- the Live Lokal PH and the Sustainability Hackathon, my regularisation at DOST, the challenges I faced at work and my career that shaped me to be a better person --- nor tell him all the things that Mico and I achieved together as a married couple... There's just so much to tell you, Papa, but I couldn't...
It's only now that I felt this VOID, this GAPING HOLE in my heart as a consequence of losing a parent... Losing a parent gives you that feeling of hopelessness... of despair... of loneliness... That person is not here anymore, you can only "communicate" with them through your imagination, most of which the conversation is just made up by you...
Ang dami kong gustong sabihin sa'yo, Papa... ang dami kong gustong ikuwento... Kaso hindi ko na sila makukuwento sa'yo kailanman... ni hindi ko na rin maririning ang gusto mong sabihin, o mga sagot sa mga tanong ko, o ang mga payo na ibibigay mo...
Itong nararamdaman ko... hindi na siya masakit sa puso, pero pinalitan siya ng matinding pighati na kailanma'y hindi na mawawala habambuhay...
I miss you so much, Papa... I remember when I was still studying at ANU, you would call me every so often just to check up on me and touch base. Alam kong gusto niyo lang mangamusta at makipagkuwentuhan. Alam kong kapag tinatawagan niyo ako, patulog na kayo nun, nakahiga sa kama at iniisip kung ano na kaya ginagawa ko sa Australia... I know that you like calling me a lot to check up on me, even when Mico and I were dating and I was already 33/34 years old then, you would still call around 10PM, checking where we were and what time I was going home... What I would give just to see your name on the caller ID of my phone again, to hear your voice and ask, "Anak nasaan ka na, anong oras ka uuwi?"
I miss those times you would bring me to office, be it in UP NIGS and PHIVOLCS in Quezon City, or DOST in Taguig. I know that you would deliberately schedule some meetings or appointments in Quezon City so that you can bring me to school/office, so that you know I'm safe. "Wow, door-to-door service!", you would say, and I'd reply, "Hahaha oo nga, thanks Pa!!" And you did this hatid-sundo thing many times for me, even when I joined a marathon at 6AM in BGC and you brought me there and waited for me to finish and we went home together after the race. Most of the time you'll bring me to the airport in the wee hours of the morning for my field work. And this went on for about a decade while I was working for UP-NIGS, PHIVOLCS, and AECOM. And you know what's great, Pa? NEVER kayong nagreklamo sa aga ng gising niyo...NEVER. You did this wholeheartedly. You never made me feel na pabigat yung paghatid-hatid sa akin sa umaga sa school, sa office, sa airport, sa marathon, sa fundraising events, sa kung anu-anong extra-curricular activities na mga sinasalihan ko... You were always there for me Papa, you always supported me wholeheartedly, unconditionally...
At ngayong wala ka na, ang laking bahagi ng buhay ko ang nawala... Life will never be the same without you, Papa... It's been more than a year but I cry as if it were only yesterday that you passed away...
I miss you so much, Papa... My eyes hurt and my cheeks are already stinging from the tears that have been pouring non-stop... I wish you could've lived a little longer, Papa...
I miss you every day...
