5 April 2018. On this day, my relationship of seven years and almost four months has ended.
At first I wasn't able to comprehend the gravity of the situation. I still managed to start my first full-time employment after returning home from my studies abroad last December 2017. I still managed to go on a trip to Nepal and climb one of the world's highest altitude hotels during the last week of April. It was as if everything was still... okay. But the agony was slowly creeping in.
Then came May. That was when everything sunk in; I already felt the 'withdrawal' symptoms of separating yourself from the person you've been in love with for so long. The pain was unimaginable. It was excruciating. I did not eat. My eyes were swollen almost every day from crying. I would look at my naked self in the bathroom mirror and see my ribs already protruding. My collar bone became more defined (in a scary way) and my face looked gaunt and the cheeks, what cheeks? From my previous weight of 120 lbs., I went down to 104.7 lbs. This was my lightest weight, ever, since graduating from college in 2006. In a way, it was good that I shed all that weight. But it was a "weight loss program" that I will never subject myself again ever.
I can still remember the pain. There was ACTUAL physical pain. And I've pored over literature on heartbreak. It explained that love is equivalent to drug addiction. You experience pain and restlessness and other drug withdrawal symptoms when you break up with someone. I was there. In that dark place. It was a dark, dark place. I wanted to end everything. It was an unbearable kind of pain. I reached out to family and friends and there were relatives and distant friends who reached out to me (I'm forever thankful for that). I felt, during this time, God was sending people to help me overcome my depression. Slowly, I was taken out of that dark place and onto the road of recovery. June, I started to date again and go out with friends - to while away the time and replace the habits I've developed while I was still in a relationship.
Then came the time that the Ex reached out. I was bewildered. I was already recovering when he approached. He said he wanted to talk. This was around July. After that we started hanging out, like old times. But there were changes. Subtle changes, yes, but nonetheless, there were changes. My senses were telling me this was bad, that we shouldn't be seeing each other anymore, that we shouldn't act like we were still in a relationship. During that time, I felt pain and anguish. Not much physical pain anymore, but I would still cry. I felt so low at that time. I felt like garbage. Seriously. I was neglected and treated as a second-class person, 'ika nga, panakip butas. I felt like a dog always longing and waiting for his master, who didn't give much care and attention to the dog. I was treated as a spare tire for everything and I acceded to all of this. I acceded! Wow. I was DESPERATE for his attention; for his care and concern; for his love that wasn't there anymore. I was clutching at straws. Words escape me trying to describe this phase. But in Filipino, I can say: nagmumukha na akong tanga, nagmumukha na akong kawawa, para na akong basura kung tratuhin pero iniinda ko lahat.
I guess the July to October dating episode (by the way, he dated several girls simultaneously also during this phase so I had 'competitors' and he even told me, "Well, so far you're still ahead of the race." The gall of the boy.) was God's way of making me realise that the only thing I was losing at that time was not Martin, but myself. I WAS LOSING MYSELF. This is not me. This is not the happy, optimistic, confident me. But someone who was greatly insecure, unassertive, and fearful. God made me realise: this is not the relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life. I was again reverted back to that dark, dark place.
But came latter part of October, I met someone. He was cute and smart and the way my mom described him, loquacious, haha! I've dated some guys too, but this was different. I was attracted to him because our conversations were something that both of us were highly interested in. He was witty, he would immediately get my (carefully thought of and I think they're witty) jokes and would launch his own version of (I think it's corny but) equally witty jokes. Haha kidding! No, his jokes are really funny FOR ME. *insert #nerdjokes* Or mababaw lang talaga kaligayahan ko, hahaha. But I love his humour. And I love him.
I am very much thankful to God, for giving me a new love. In a relatively short period of time, ~seven months, I met someone, have fallen in love, and after eight months from the break up, have committed to a new relationship. God knows the plans I have formulated in my heart and mind and He has heard my prayers! Ang galing!
And decided to continue writing it today, 20 February 2020. And I wonder how am I faring still, after a year and ten months?
It is not easy to move on at all. Until today, I wonder if a person truly moves on from a very painful life experience... maybe not. But we just need to carry on with our lives with those memories etched in the brain forever. Those memories will be replaced with new and happy ones until it will not anymore trigger sentimental feelings rather, they are just plain memories. Period. It did take some time for me. As what Katy Perry said in her song: two years and just like that, my head still takes me back, thought it was done but I guess it's never really over.
I guess if I haven't met Mico, it wouldn't have been really over. But I did. And everything just fell in place with Mico. Though I admit, even when we were already together, I would still cry about the past, and sometimes I would cry in front of Mico! But he understood. Mico understood what I was going through; that I still had those vestiges of feelings for Martin. But it was okay and Mico nursed me right through it and he was super understanding of everything. He wasn't fazed at all, nor doubtful of loving me despite this. Indeed, Mico loves me truly.
Mico and I... we just meld completely. We greatly complement each other; we are of the same wavelength in many things, even in jokes! We discuss our work with each other and we both understand it; we're passionate in the same things; we love science (and engineering--- I think I need to insert this because he is after all, an engineer, haha!); we're both practicing Catholics; we love doing mundane things together; we love talking; we love thinking of ideas; we do not rush time when we're together; we love listening to each other... long story short, our complementing similarities just make us a better fit for each other.
It's all about the fit. I'm not going to hide facts, I also had a most wonderful and very happy time with Martin. I could say I was also happiest with him at that time. And we get along well too. But with Mico, we just fit better. As an analogy, it's just like a finding the right shoe size, or bra size. You wouldn't really notice if you're wearing a slightly wrong fit, 'diba? The shoe or bra is slightly loose or tight, but pwede na rin. You'll get through your everyday routine with the slightly wrong fit. It may be uncomfortable and irritating at times, but you'll get through the day. And it serves the same purpose. BUT, when you find the RIGHT FIT, everything becomes seamless. You'll get through your day without that discomfort nor annoyance. And that's just how it was and is for me. At first, I didn't want to budge. I was already okay with the slightly wrong fit. I thought of making it work and ignored the discomfort. But when I found the right fit, ito pala yun!!! This was what I'm looking for!!! This is how it feels pala!!! And we all know how a good fitting shoe or bra or top or pants or whatever, can give us that extra comfort and efficiency!
Fast forward to today, 6 March 2020, it seems I will be spending my lifetime with Mico, my true fit in life. We got engaged two days ago, and I could not be happier! :) Another post on the proposal soon!!!
I am very much thankful to God, for giving me a new love. In a relatively short period of time, ~seven months, I met someone, have fallen in love, and after eight months from the break up, have committed to a new relationship. God knows the plans I have formulated in my heart and mind and He has heard my prayers! Ang galing!
And decided to continue writing it today, 20 February 2020. And I wonder how am I faring still, after a year and ten months?
It is not easy to move on at all. Until today, I wonder if a person truly moves on from a very painful life experience... maybe not. But we just need to carry on with our lives with those memories etched in the brain forever. Those memories will be replaced with new and happy ones until it will not anymore trigger sentimental feelings rather, they are just plain memories. Period. It did take some time for me. As what Katy Perry said in her song: two years and just like that, my head still takes me back, thought it was done but I guess it's never really over.
I guess if I haven't met Mico, it wouldn't have been really over. But I did. And everything just fell in place with Mico. Though I admit, even when we were already together, I would still cry about the past, and sometimes I would cry in front of Mico! But he understood. Mico understood what I was going through; that I still had those vestiges of feelings for Martin. But it was okay and Mico nursed me right through it and he was super understanding of everything. He wasn't fazed at all, nor doubtful of loving me despite this. Indeed, Mico loves me truly.
Mico and I... we just meld completely. We greatly complement each other; we are of the same wavelength in many things, even in jokes! We discuss our work with each other and we both understand it; we're passionate in the same things; we love science (and engineering--- I think I need to insert this because he is after all, an engineer, haha!); we're both practicing Catholics; we love doing mundane things together; we love talking; we love thinking of ideas; we do not rush time when we're together; we love listening to each other... long story short, our complementing similarities just make us a better fit for each other.
It's all about the fit. I'm not going to hide facts, I also had a most wonderful and very happy time with Martin. I could say I was also happiest with him at that time. And we get along well too. But with Mico, we just fit better. As an analogy, it's just like a finding the right shoe size, or bra size. You wouldn't really notice if you're wearing a slightly wrong fit, 'diba? The shoe or bra is slightly loose or tight, but pwede na rin. You'll get through your everyday routine with the slightly wrong fit. It may be uncomfortable and irritating at times, but you'll get through the day. And it serves the same purpose. BUT, when you find the RIGHT FIT, everything becomes seamless. You'll get through your day without that discomfort nor annoyance. And that's just how it was and is for me. At first, I didn't want to budge. I was already okay with the slightly wrong fit. I thought of making it work and ignored the discomfort. But when I found the right fit, ito pala yun!!! This was what I'm looking for!!! This is how it feels pala!!! And we all know how a good fitting shoe or bra or top or pants or whatever, can give us that extra comfort and efficiency!
Fast forward to today, 6 March 2020, it seems I will be spending my lifetime with Mico, my true fit in life. We got engaged two days ago, and I could not be happier! :) Another post on the proposal soon!!!
