I need you Lord

Dear Lord,

I am in total distress right now. I don't know what to do anymore. But I know that every time I write to you, I feel better. Thank you for making me feel that way.

I am calling and begging for help from you. You know my deepest thoughts, desires, and problems. You are the only one who can truly remedy and calm my anguished self. Sigh. I don't know if there's a way out of the problems I'm facing right now. I just want to disappear and not feel this way anymore. What happened to my optimism??? What happened to my enthusiasm towards life??? So this is how it feels like when you get overwhelmed by problems. They become too big, too foreboding, it crushes your life and laughs on your face. It's like my orbitals are all full and every electron that wants to attach to me, wala na, tumatapon na. Haha sorry Lord hanggang todits ang geek ko. Well I guess I just want to make myself laugh. And what better way to do it than talk to you! :) Sigh. I love you. Thank you for all the blessings you've given me. They are abundant and priceless. Just thinking about them makes me feel loved and blessed and I think they serve as reminders of a full life that I'm living. Maraming salamat po.

Lord, teach me to count my blessings. Open my eyes to the wonderful graces you've showered me and my family. May I not see my problems as a burden, but rather as a gift from you, to make me feel that you still care for me and that you'll forever love me. Thank you :') I've written you numerous times, be it in my notebooks, my blog, on a piece of paper. I guess it's my strongest way of communicating--- writing. And you've never failed to bring me happiness, joy, and contentment. I love you Lord. Thank you.

As I finish this entry, I feel relieved and light. It's amazing how your powers work in as fast as five minutes, even sooner! Wow! It sure beats any panacea ever created. Thank you for making me feel this way.Ang galing! Even if I don't see you, your presence is felt, it's really amazing. Oh how I love you Lord, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. :)

I love you. Thank you. :)

x_x

Nahihirapan na ako. Pagod na ako. Malapit na akong sumuko. Hindi ko alam kung ano nang gagawin ko. Nagpatong-patong na ang mga problema ko. Hindi ko na kinakaya. The feeling of sadness and despair overwhelms me so much that I just want to die. Literally.

Sukdulan na.

:')

Ito'y kantang nilikha ni Mr. Ryan Cayabyab at kinanta ng San Miguel Master Chorale. Isa na ito sa mga paborito kong OPM love songs. Ang sarap ng pakiramdam kapag mayroong mag-aalay sa iyo ng napakagandang awitin na ito... Maikli subalit punung-puno ng emosyon :)


Iniibig Kita

Kulang ang araw at gabi 'pag kita'y kapiling.
Kahit ang bukas ay 'di rin sapat upang mamasdan lamang kita.
Labis kitang minamahal, pag-ibig ko'y walang kapantay.
Kung kaya ko lang abutin ang mga bituin t'yak ito'y gagawin.

Malaman mo lang wala nang ibang mas hihigit pa sa pag-ibig ko sa'yo.
Walang ibang nagmamahal nang tulad ko sana'y paniwalaan mo.
Iniibig kita.

collage of me going to Benguet

I took these photos while going to Sinipsip, near Natubleng, Buguias, Benguet. No post-processing involved! :)

On spending

Tonight I shall write not the saddest lines, but only sad lines about my life.

I'll be writing how I'm such a BIG SPENDTHRIFT!!! Buy this, buy that, buy here and there and everywhere!!! Aaargh! I'm angry at myself for being like this, huhu. :( How can I be prudent when it comes to spending??? How can I curb my habit of spending too much like there's no tomorrow??? Oh Lord please help me!!!

I'm not rich. I don't have limitless supply of money. I should only buy what I NEED and NOT WHAT I WANT. I should develop a stronger sense of saving for the future and saving for a rainy day. I should think of long term investments that builds up my future rather than something that just caught my fancy and drains my money at hand, like accessories. Goodness how I love accessories! And clothes! And shoes!

TAMA NAAAA! Please! Lord, teach me how not to be a spendthrift. Teach me how to be prudent and practice self-control over material things. These things that I buy, they are just things that don't contribute any meaning in my life. Pampasikip lang sila ng bahay at ng cabinet. Please channel my spending spree in other matters, like finishing my thesis writing! And helping the poor!

Oh man I really should stop spending on nonsensical items. :(

Cooking for family :)

It's just sheer joy to spend quality time with family!

Yesterday, I cooked caramelized pineapple with ice cream for my Mama, Papa, Kat (she was here), and BingBing. Too bad, the others weren't around. I also prepared pesto, a quick recipe over the phone courtesy of Adong, hehe. It's just super fun to do something good--- and delicious---for your loved ones, 'no? Gives me that sense of "completeness". :)

Later tonight, I shall be cooking sole with spinach, an easy to prepare dish but healthy. It also adheres to the blood type diet my brother's following. Next week kaya, what shall I prepare? Hmmm...

Oh! I can't cook next Sunday pala, there will be a bazaar at the park and everyone's invited to eat there because it's a fundraising activity by the church. So no cooking next week. By the way, Kat and I will have a HumanHeartNature booth there, so I hope you, dear readers (if there are any, haha :D ), can come on 5 September 2010, 8am-9pm, at the Tahanan park for some Sunday-afternoon eating and shopping! :)

Women leaders

WOMEN EMPOWERMENT!

The women leaders of BIDA Change! :D

Maan Palmenco, Edz Mendoza, Tracy Villanueva, and Noey Arcinue

thoughts again in the xrd lab

I find myself writing and thinking a lot while here in the XRD lab. Maybe because this lab fosters an atmosphere of "if-you-don't-appear-busy-you'll-be-asked-a-lot-of-questions". Haha!

I'm all alone in the XRD lab now, and I must say, it's good to work here. No one's around, the surrounding's bright, it's cool, it's quiet, it's conducive to write. I'm a social animal but there are times I just want to be alone with myself. Masarap din pala yung ganung feeling. Mahirap kasi makakita ng tao na katugma mo talaga, pero swerte ako kasi may nakita na ko. But sometimes being alone is just the way to go.

Losing Momentum

Oh no.

I'm scared.

I think I'm losing momentum for my thesis. This week have passed and what have I done that's substantial? Nothing so much really. Just prepared oriented slides for XRD. And today's already Thursday! Oh man! I'll do sieving tonight to prepare my samples for oriented analysis then by tomorrow do the oriented slides. I have checked with Kuya Joval my samples and he'll just grind them in the agate mortar then I'll have all my samples with me.

Oh dear Lord, I humbly ask you to please inspire me again and to enlighten my faculties so I may finish all my analysis this August. Please, please, please. Also, may I not neglect my responsibilities in the Church (youth ministry, choir, lector, etc.) Thank you!

thoughts in the XRD lab

I'm now at the XRD lab here in NIGS. I wonder if the x-rays here can be deadly or mutagenic. Hwow! Magkaka-anak pa kaya ako? Anyway...

When I walk along the corridors here at the Institute in the day or at night, an overwhelming feeling envelops me, something that makes me feel nostalgic of things. I feel that I'm really in a University, this is what a university should be like, should feel like. Kahit hindi gaano kagandahan itong NIGS, I love this building. It may take a while to cross to the other wing since the building is "U" shaped, I like to think of it as a form of exercise.

Cath, Kat, and I jogged around NIGS one night, when the rain outside was pouring. In fairness, masaya! And I got again that "university feeling" :) Even if this building is old, so is its style and materials, I am endeared to it.

Wow new template!

I got excited upon editing my blog's template! Woohoo! It has such a refreshing look for me! I miss the old one though, but I can always revert back to it. Time for a new change! Natuwa ako sa bagong hitsura ng blog ko! Yehey!

Thanks blogger.com! :)

thank you Lord for giving me...

Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving me Wilbert, Dhes, Miki, Rienzie and Ate Carl for the meeting tonight. They made my burden lighter. Actually. they removed the burden that I've been carrying. Thank you very much Lord. Thank you for their enthusiasm. Thank you for making them an inspiration to me. Always bless them Lord and keep them safe. Lord, let's go go go for the youth ministry. I was really inspired again to do great things for the youth ministry here in our village. Thank you for these people. And thank you in advance for the people who are willing to help and dedicate their time, talent and treasure in doing your will. Thank you Lord, I love you. :)

patricia

Vienna thoughts

I saw our house help watching Rubi in her quarters and it reminded me of my post-presentation day at my Filipino host's home. The day after my presentation at EGU, I woke up quite late in the flat. I was alone since Tita Lina and Tita (I forgot her name) went to work. Tita Lina bought a TFC box which allowed her to watch shows from ABS-CBN. So I got curious what the shows in ABS are since I support GMA. Also, I felt homesick and needed to hear the Tagalog language. I turned the television on and the TFC box. On the menu, I clicked on the, uh, I forget what's the title of the heading but to make the long story short, I ended up choosing Rubi. I thought it was Juday who played the role of Rubi but I found out only in Vienna (haha) that it was Angelica Panganiban.

I got hooked because I liked the character of Angelica (Rubi). She was sexy, ambitious, full of mystery and the type of woman who will do anything to get what she wants. The plot was not set for the teeny bopper shizz but rather for the mature audience. Plus, there was a sexy scene of Diether and Angelica where they made out in the beach, haha! Throw in Shaina Magdayao, Cherrie Gil, Cherry Pie Picache and Gardo Verzosa as the other characters and you've got yourself a good Filipino sitcom! Cherrie Gil's acting was superb! You can really feel her emotions! Grabe nakakaiyak ha! Also Shaina's. They were all fantastic! Then I realized why ABS's sitcoms are better than GMA's... The actors and their scripts are really good. Magagaling talaga silang lahat. GMA's sitcoms are like, blech.

And when I finished watching all of the episodes, I realized I was in Vienna! Half of the day was wasted watching Rubi in Vienna! Whaaat?! I went to Vienna to watch Rubi?! Hahahaha! I could have gone to visit the sights and museums but no, I watched Rubi! Haha! Panalo talaga yun. After that, I immediately took a bath and prepared myself to tour around the city. Good thing there was still time but sayang lang, half the day was spent doing nothing inside the flat.

Eto pa winner. After I got back from Vienna, I wasn't going gaga to watch Rubi. I just didn't watch it because, ayoko lang, haha. I seldom watch local channels. Pero ewan ko ba, nung nasa Vienna ako, pinanood ko talaga yung mga Filipino shows sa TFC, haha. Pinoy talaga ako. :) And I'm proud of it. :)

'Cause it feels so good

After a long time, peace, happiness, joy and contentment finally came to me. I am now happy and less bothered by my surroundings. So this is what it feels to be on Cloud Nine, haha. It all started when I had an argument with a very close friend. Ang tagal namin hindi nagkita tapos mag-aaway pa kami. Hello, bothering. Then buti, ayos na ang lahat. Or I hope. Ako ata ang may problema e. Anyway moving on...

Why do I find myself staring at a blank screen or looking at a lot of literature and eventually write NOTHING? Why do I find writing difficult? I've been writing articles since elementary and now in graduate school, I get stuck quite a lot of times when writing. Bakit kaya? Maybe I don't try hard enough? I get distracted easily? I don't sit down and focus? Probably. Alam ko naman pala kung ano'ng problema. Hindi ko lang inaaksyunan. Haay.

Sana tumaas-taas naman ang level of concentration ko and focus. Huhuhu. It's what I need! I'm in graduate school na pero ganito pa rin ako mag-isip! Grrr... Grow up Edz, grow up.

Down in the pits...

Had this serious argument with someone... Sigh. It makes me feel down and a failure. Ang hirap pala ng ganitong feeling. But sometimes I feel numb, sometimes rotten, sometimes apathetic, sometimes uber depressed.

What did I get myself into????

what to do with my thesis...

Haaay... I'm super stuck with what I'm doing right now for my thesis... It's like geology, chemistry and engineering combined in one! Massive attack, don't know if I'll survive this. I can but I need to really FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS.

I can't truly say I don't have time. Heck, I have all the time in the world. I just need to be efficient. But it's hard! Aaargh! I get distracted easily and my extra-curricular work is catching up on me. Ang dami kasi. Church work, socio-civic work... But I'm thankful I still have a social life, haha! And a great family where I can get much strength from. I'm so blessed to have them.

Matagal-tagal na rin pala ako hindi nakapag-blog. So many events have passed, travels here and there. Let's see... What have I done...

presented orally at EGU in Vienna, Austria

did fieldwork for reconnaissance in Baguio

did fieldwork for cross-section in Guinsaugon, So. Leyte

What else? Uhm... I can't remember anymore! Why do I just remember the travels? Why can't I remember better things such as doing outreach or making someone happy by helping them? Baka kasi wala akong activity na ganun lately, haha! I miss those days. Ay wait... meron!

launched BIDA Change (heads the Environmental Advocacy arm with Tracy)

emceed with Steph during the BIDA Change voter's education forum

had a general assembly for the youth of JDHP

played frisbee in Vienna! yahoo!

jogged in Vienna, along the Danube

partied in a pub in Vienna

bakit puro Vienna ito? ang memorable kasi! haha!

went to Schoenbrunn Palace

went to Kunsthistorisches and Naturhistorisches museum in Vienna

spent the WHOLE day at Haus der Musik (fantastic museum!)

wait, LOST MY CAMERA IN VIENNA! BOOOOO! goodbye all photos from my camera :'(

I think I left my heart (and camera, shet) in Vienna... sigh... such a beautiful place! And the people! Oh they were so kind and amazing! Super duper thanks to Tita Jane and Tito Efren, Tita Lina, Mike Ernst, and of course, Omar Pecho! Waddup! For waking up early to pick me up at the airport to oversleeping and muntikan nang hindi ako mameet sa airport on departure day, haha!

Sigh... Sana makabalik akong Vienna someday... :)

Dr. Marissa Tejada, Dr. Efren Abaya, Dr. Jane Gerardo-Abaya, future Dr. Edz Mendoza, and Dr. Glenda Besana-Ostman at the entrance hall of the Nobel Prize winning institution, International Atomic Energy Agency

Woohoo with the LUNAR BRECCIA! And it's authentic!!! :)

Striking a pose with the United Nations logo at the UN Headquarters, Vienna, Austria

All the flags of the countries who are part of the United Nations (cool! daming flags!)

Ultimate is the ultimate!

Ang sarap talaga mag-Ultimate frisbee! Woohoo! Sakit lang sa katawan pero GO GO GO! Ahlavet! :D

The only boy who I would love like this...

is D_ _ D_ _ _ _. It's been six years and my feelings for him are still the same since the day I met him and came to know him. Sigh.

I walked into a room where a dining table was filled with good food and people. All I can see were women, all dressed in white, who were all ogling at him and asking him who was he with, does he have a girlfriend, if yes then where is she, if not, why doesn't he have one--- all of those questions. I sat a little behind him but still beside him on his right. The women were still interrogating him. I inched a little forward and for some reason I touched his right hand with my left and he held it. We held hands together, the boyfriend-girlfriend type of holding, and we were looking at each other and smiling, as in wide smiles, haha. He introduced me to these women and they had on their faces a sneering and doubting look as if they were thinking, "Why is he with a woman like that??? She's not pretty naman and as if meron siyang "k" over us. Why that woman?". But it didn't bother me at all. They could contort their face all they want but I have the one thing that they don't. And that's the person holding my hand right now. He introduced me to them, "Guys, si Edz." He didn't have to say what I was in his life. It was understood. Aside from the holding hands and the wide smiles, an aura of happiness and contentment overflowed from the two of us, that's why the girls didn't need to confirm if we were in a relationship or not. They felt we were really in love. No more questions.

We stood up, waved goodbye at the women and went outside. While walking towards the door, I felt sooo content and overjoyed! I've been longing to be with this elusive boy after how many years! I finally have him! Oh blissful state, how I love thee! :) The feeling was unexplainable. It was a mixture of happiness, anxiety, bliss, excitement... Oh man ibang klase! Basta ang sarap ng feeling! :) When we got out, it was already dusk. We were still holding hands, bodies close to each other, hearts pounding on our chests, as we walked down the stairs a few steps and sat down. He pressed his face to mine and we hugged. We didn't kiss but the hugging meant also a longing from him, that he wanted to have me for the longest time and finally, we were together.

Sadly, nagising ako sa katotohanan na panaginip lang pala ang lahat! Grabe! But it was weird, it felt sooo real! Especially when we touched hands and he pressed his face to mine. And thennapaisip-isip ako, baka naman kaya may sensation sa pisngi ko dahil matagal na akong nakahiga sa side na yun at kaya malamig ang kamay ko dahil naipit siya habang nakahiga ako at nakulangan ng dugo.

Huhuhuhu. :( Well anyway, I wanted to write this down because the feeling was just overwhelming! Haha! And I don't think he'll know because he wouldn't bother reading this or do anything related to me, haha. But if he will know about it, wouldn't it be great if he can comment on this or email me and tell me something nice about this blog? I'm not expecting anything amazing, just a simple 'thanks' will suffice, hehe.

Ooookay, I think I just exposed myself a bit too much, but hey, I do love the guy. :)